Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

AIBU to wish DH hadn't discussed his pending vasectomy with DPil?

32 replies

Chiana · 10/08/2014 19:28

DH and I had a pregnancy scare going on 6 months ago which made it crystal clear to both of us that we didn't want a third DC. We discussed the idea of vasectomy at the time, and he wasn't keen. He's been mulling it over, however, and finally decided to go ahead with it. Last week he got a referral from our GP to a urologist and everything.

This morning he was chatting with DMil and he told her about the vasectomy. She was very upset, told DFil who was also fairly upset, rang me up later to interrogate me about it (just the conversation I wanted to have with her), etc. As it turns out, DPil hadn't completely given up hope of us having more DC, and they don't like the idea of us taking permanent measures.

DPil are genuinely nice people, and I like them just fine, but I'm having a strong reaction of, "Stay OUT of it!" Am also a bit hacked off that DH talked about it to them without saying anything to me first, although I realise that may be a bit unreasonable. If I were having even minor surgery, I'd mention it to my DM. Of course, my DM probably wouldn't tell our entire extended family about without permission.

DH has already had a supportive text from DSil, saying not to pay any attention to their parents and to do what he likes. Which is nice of her, but the text came as a bit of a surprise because we didn't know she knew about the vasectomy. Turns out DMil rang her up almost as soon as she got off the phone. As I said, I like DMil very much, and I don't want to argue with her, but I really need her to back off here. It's DH's reproductive system, not hers. I'm also a little embarrassed, because we really don't discuss our sex life with either side of the family, and suddenly it's out there. Really not sure how to handle it.

On a related note, oddly enough, I am suddenly insanely attracted to him. We've had more sex in the past 4 days than we have in the past month. I hadn't even realised we were in a bit of a rut sexually until he told me he wanted the vasectomy. I just thought we had a lot of stressful things going on in our lives and sex wasn't our highest priority. Apparently I was wrong, and the stressful things are quite irrelevant. Even though I'm annoyed he told DMil, I still fancy the pants off him. Is this a normal reaction, or am I being weird?

OP posts:

mynewpassion · 10/08/2014 19:34

He can talk to his parents about a medical procedure he is undergoing. Just say its his choice, which you support, and they can talk to him further about it.

MamaPain · 10/08/2014 19:34

YABU, as you said it's his reproductive system and on that basis he can discuss it with who he likes, particularly his own mother.

Seem a bit of a bizarre reaction from the PIL, but if they are generally nice and it's a one off I'd let it go. I imagine your SIL has probably told her mother she shouldn't be blabbing about it and its none of her business. They'll get over it.

And I don't know if its normal on your part. DH won't have the snip

Original poster

Chiana · 10/08/2014 19:37

Yeah, I thought I might be being unreasonable about it. Glad to get the feedback from people who aren't emotionally involved.

Good idea for phrasing it, so thanks, mynewpassion.

It's definitely a one-off, MamaPain, which is one of the things that shocked the hell out of me about it.

OP posts:

puntasticusername · 10/08/2014 19:38

YABU to want to dictate what your DH can and cannot talk to his parents about. But you are very much not BU to be hacked off by their reaction, that's well out of order!

MollyHooper · 10/08/2014 19:39

DPil hadn't completely given up hope of us having more DC, and they don't like the idea of us taking permanent measures.

Seriously? I'm not surprised you wish he hand't mentioned it.

I would shut down any further attempts to discuss it from now on.

'Sorry, I really don't want to speak about that' then change the subject.

ICanSeeTheSun · 10/08/2014 19:42

He can discuss to who he want, looks like instead of support they have made it a problem.

Original poster

Chiana · 10/08/2014 19:50

Yeah, of course he can discuss it with who he wants. I was just having a knee-jerk reaction.

DH thinks they'll get over it soon enough, and i daresay he's right. I'm just a bit unnerved, because I'm not used to having very uncomfortable conversations with them. This is very out of character. We've had our minor disagreements, certainly, but over the years we've had a good relationship.

OP posts:

WhoDaresWins · 10/08/2014 19:50

I think it's OK that he told his parents. How they reacted and who they told is up to him to deal with. Is he annoyed they told his sister?

But I agree it's not nice to have the whole family discussing your reproductive choices so YANBU in that sense.

LokiBear · 10/08/2014 19:51

I would be annoyed. They really don't get to have an opinion on your reproduction plans. My MIL told me that she doesn't agree with vasectomies because it might not work out between us and DH should be able to have more children in the future!! You need to speak to your husband and tell him you'd prefer him not to discuss with your in laws. If they ask you then tell them it isn't something you want to discuss

deakymom · 10/08/2014 19:52

i had this my husband is so open with everyone his parents were not impressed either they said at the time what if he wants more children? i said i do not yes but what if he wants more children he only told them as he needed a lift his step dad took him his mom took a day off work to go along (like some sort of weird day trip i could almost see the facebook updates) his mom was very possessive about him telling me he had to sit down and not move for a week (really not what the doctor said) and couldn't do anything glaring daggers at me at all times she rang all the time to see how her poor boy was doing so over the top she wanted him to stay at her house and everything i gave birth to our third less than ten weeks later the only comment i got is you still look pregnant! (DH said my face was a picture i looked like i was going to kill her)

everyone heard within a week that he was having the snip because I didn't want anymore children it was actually his idea

even now if i out on a pound or say i fancy some crisps she always says perhaps you're pregnant! really not helpful

she also makes it clear she wanted a granddaughter a biological granddaughter but she will "make do" with mine (i have a dd from a prev relationship and two boys with dh)

she then spent ages trying to pressurise my BIL to have children he does not want!

RevoltingPeasant · 10/08/2014 19:53

YABU in that he can talk to his parents if he wants, but YANBU to not want that particular conversation with MIL.

If it's raised again maybe just say in a slightly surprised tone that it's DH decision ultimately so they'll need to raise it with him?

Original poster

Chiana · 10/08/2014 19:54

My MIL told me that she doesn't agree with vasectomies because it might not work out between us and DH should be able to have more children in the future!!

Lokibear, wow. Just wow! I suddenly feel better about my own MIL.

WhoDaresWins, he's not annoyed exactly that they told DSil, but perhaps a bit embarrassed, and glad she's on his side. He's as bewildered by his mum's reaction as I am.

OP posts:

AnnieLobeseder · 10/08/2014 19:56

My mother keeps making sad faces at us that DH had the snip when she'd like another grandchild. Whenever she mentions it I just roll her eyes and tell her that if she wants another baby so much, she can have one herself!!

So I feel your pain.

Bowlersarm · 10/08/2014 19:58

Yabu in not wanting him to talk to them about it.

But hmmm Yanbu in being uncomfortable about their subsequent reaction and interference.

Pass the buck back to him in dealing with them about it.

Once it's done it's done, and the angst it's caused will stop. So just get through to that stage.

PleaseJustShootMeNow · 10/08/2014 20:01

Are you worried that their opinion will influence your DH's decision.

FunkyBoldRibena · 10/08/2014 20:03

I found out about my brother's impending vasectomy due to him posting a 'here we go, sorry about this lads' post on facebook. He doesn't even use it all that much. Still, now I do know and am a little sad that there will be no more nieces or nephews.

FunkyBoldRibena · 10/08/2014 20:03

*use facebook all that much.

Original poster

Chiana · 10/08/2014 20:05

PleaseJustShootMeNow, I don't really think it'll influence his decision. DH is slow to make up his mind about things, but once he has made up his mind, he doesn't usually change it. He's not happy about upsetting his mum, obviously, but he thinks she's being a bit UR and things will calm down once she's adjusted to the idea.

OP posts:

Chippednailvarnish · 10/08/2014 20:09

His bollocks, his business.

He has every right to discuss it with them, but they have no right to make negative comments to you!

I just don't get why people who want a certain number of grandchildren don't have more children in the first place.

Pinkrose1 · 10/08/2014 20:10

It's not DH who you should be annoyed with but PILs for calling you on it. It's not unusual for sons/daughters to discuss things with their parents but it's a bit much for parents to comment like this to you. Just ignore them.

Original poster

Chiana · 10/08/2014 20:13

His bollocks, his business.

LOL, I love how you put that!

Pinkrose1, I will do my best to ignore. We're both hoping the ruckus dies down once they've had a chance to get used to the idea.

OP posts:

Marmiteandjamislush · 10/08/2014 20:22

You are being extremely unreasonable, sorry. He spoke to another man he is close to about a male health issue. How would you feel if your husband posted this thread about you talking to your mum? They shouldn't have interrogated you, but as members of your extended family, it is not odd for them to have an opinion, when their son has spoken to them about it.

wafflyversatile · 10/08/2014 20:30

They love the grandchildren they have and they hoped to have more. Because of this they got a bit of a shock when he mentioned getting the snip. It's very final. If they are reasonable people they will get over it and be ok. Yes they shared their disappointment with DSil but it turns out she'd been supportive of his decision so that's good. And she probably talked/will talk your PIL down a bit too.

Idontseeanyicegiants · 10/08/2014 20:34

When DH decided that he wanted a vc during my 3rd pregnancy he discussed it with every bloke he knew I think, including my Dad
Family, friends, colleagues, everybody had an opinion and advice (along with horror stories) for him!
YABU in a sense, talking about it may have helped him to really set his mind to it, but your PILS reaction was out of order.

Original poster

Chiana · 10/08/2014 20:39

Fair enough, Marmite. I'm having a gut reaction of "do we have to talk about it????" but I'm not really being fair. I wouldn't want him policing what I say to my mum. I'm very glad I didn't say anything to him but just vented on MN.

Waffly, thanks for putting it from their point of view. It makes me feel a bit better about it. And yes, DSil is the sort of person who will hopefully be able to talk them down. They're perfectly reasonable people, generally.

Idontseeanyicegiants, so it could've been much worse!!! As far as i know, before he made up his mind, DH only discussed it with the GP and 2 close male friends. None of whom shared their reaction with me.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2