I'm very prepared to be told I am BU here but wanted opinions anyway...
It's my birthday soon, and my closest friends are organising a surprise day out for me, which is really lovely - we've had to adapt it slightly as they'd forgotten that we'd originally said we'd go out for dinner with some other friends, but I think we've sorted that (although I do feel like I was being a pain in the backside rearranging their plans, even though they assure me I'm not!)
The thing is, I'm not sure I like surprises. I don't mind surprises (as long as they aren't huge, everyone jump out at me type things, which I would HATE) as long as I know nothing about them - however, I know that this is happening. It would be fine if I just got told not to make plans for that day, but I'm finding it difficult dealing with the constant talking in code, knowing looks and half conversations that are occurring. I feel left out and awkward - I never know what to do with myself and just end up looking silly as I can't join in with the conversation. Also, I can't help but then start putting the pieces together in my head to try and work out what's going on, to try and give myself a bit of a heads up and be prepared.
I find it difficult dealing with the unknown - I'd experienced an incredibly close bereavement recently-ish which led to anxiety - my friends know this. Since then, the unknown scares me - even when I know it's going to be a good unknown! I know that the reaction to bad unknown (such as bereavement and uncertainty surrounding that time) is the same chemical reaction as a good unknown and surprise, so I know I'm not losing my marbles, but I can't help having such a reaction to times such as this.
The thought of it makes my stomach churn and my heart pound - admittedly, not as much as last year when something similar was organised (and was a lovely, lovely day) I'm getting better at telling myself that it will be a good thing, my friends would only organise something I would enjoy and it's been done with such love and good intentions. I think they would surprised if I told them I don't like this kind of thing anymore as before the bereavement I was incredibly laid back and ran with anything, I think I'm just good at hiding it!
Am I BU to be wary of the surprise (and I guess a little hurt with all the whispering and not so subtle conversations)?