To think my MIL is being ridiculous ?

[Bookmonster345]

My Inlaws have just looked after my children for three days, as they requested for them to come and stay. On return my children promptly told me that my MIL had been incredibly annoying for the whole time they were there. For example, she demanded that DD1 (12) folded up her nightdress more neatly, before promptly telling DD2 (10) not to worry about folding hers up, as she would do it for her. Furthermore, when DD1 realised she hadn't packed her chargers, even though she was sure she did, my MIL said "That's the problem with being so sure of yourself, young lady!". I don't know anyone who is more convinced that they are right than MIL. In addition, she praised DD2 for the tiniest thing, such as doing up her seat belt in the car, and didn't praise DD1 for a single thing. As well as this, she gave DD2 a cuddle, but didn't give DD1 a hug as apparently she is "too big for hugs". The final straw came when she asked DD1 " have you checked everywhere to see if you've left nothing behind?" DD1 replied "yes, I think so," to which my MIL replied "are you sure you've checked everywhere?" This went on for five minutes before my MIL told her to check the bathroom, where DD1 had left her soap. AIBU to think this is a tad ridiculous?

I wouldn't say that your mil doesn't like your older daughter. Rather, she probably thinks she is a bit more grown up than your younger daughter and thinks she is treating her accordingly.

I remember getting a lot of "you're 12 now" from my grandparents.

Maybe suggest that MIL and DD1 go do something together, just the two of them. Is there anything they both like?

Maybe preface the suggestion to MIL by saying something like 'DD1 would love to spend the day with you, she loves seeing her grandma'. Sometimes a lie like that can engender good feeling and ends up eventually coming true. Your DD1 would have to be willing to give her grandma a chance though.

I wandered off and posted without realising you had updated op

Have you ever mentioned it to your DH/Mil? The marked difference in how she treats the girls?

Sounds like classic triangulation - favouritising one over the other.

I would keep my distance if I were you, and try not to expose either DD to this any more than you can help.

It does rather sound like she's decided that your DD1 needs taking down a peg or two. Maybe she thinks you are too lenient and decided to redress the balance while she was in charge.

My MIL did this with her sons and our DDs. Her older son and older DGC could do no wrong. The younger ones apparently needed to be reminded of their faults at every opportunity.

My DD1 became very conscious that her sister wasn't being treated fairly and refused to visit on the last few opportunities she had before MIL died. By playing favourites so blatantly, my MIL pushed her favourite grandchild away.

The problem with her doing something with one daughter and not the other is that she lives two hours away, so there's really no point taking one child and not the other to see her

Well, if you have seen MIL being aggressive and shouting at DD1, then that is obviously a problem.

I'd be tempted not to send them to stay if this is the kind of treatment they get - and they are obviously both very aware of it. Neither of them should be put in a position where they are expected to stay with an aggressive family member.

I wouldn't make a big deal about it.
If possible let your daughters decide if they want to visit with your MIL. If it is really uncomfortable for dd1, she should not have be subjected to that. She could also talk to her grandmother herself about these problems.

And tell DD1, as my lovely MIL used to say, we are not little gold coins for everyone to love us. Nobody is.

This thread reminds me of how my own DM treats my nieces. When DN 2 was born, she kept whispering things to favourite DN1 about it like "You love mummy don't you DN1, and you love Daddy, but you don't love DN2." and "Everything has changed hasn't it DN1 since that DN2 came along?"

Nice!

That's appalling Hampton! Did you call your DM out about it? That's so poisonous.

OP, I'd reduce contact with both of your DC if she's going to treat them so differently. Did DD2 back this up?

Is your DD1 brighter or more precocious or less pliable than DD2? I have met women like your MIL before who pick a favourite and are resentful of a more confident younger generation and enjoy 'taking them down a peg'. Certainly the 'you are so sure of yourself' comment smacks of this.

FWIW it can be very damaging to the less favoured child but as you are some distance away your DDs aren't as likely to be exposed to it too often. I would be wary of sending DD1 there to stay - if you saw her shouting and being unpleasant, imagine what she was like when you weren't there.

I think you're BU. DD1 had got there and realised she'd forgotten something, the MIL was likely just checking she hadn't done the same going home?? Without knowing the back story (sounds like you don't like your MIL and you're finding reasons to criticise don't get me wrong, I've done that plenty of times) but those instances, as said up thread, sound like something being a bit clumsy with their interpretation of how a 12 yr old should act (am guessing she's 12 going on 18 ) and how a 10 yr old should act??

chased that is just "normal" behaviour for DM and I am totally NC with her now.

I have tried telling DB and DSIL what is going on but they are enmeshed and in denial. DB was/is the Golden Child so he has his head firmly stuck in the sand. I feel very sorry for DN2 but I have to have my own boundaries and not get sucked into it.

I am a bit mmmm at the children promptly telling you that MIL had been incredibly annoying all the time. Bit rude. Don't they like her? Not that she sounds fair. Maybe they all rub each other up the wrong way.

YANBU - but the sad thing for your MIL is that her granddaughters can see through what she is doing and as they grow older, will respect her progressively less - especially if you've brought them up to have a sense of fairness.

DD1 is brighter than DD2, but only slightly. My MIL has always annoyed my DDs and I, as she went to a very posh, private school that taught her that children should be seen not heard. She is also very proud of the fact that she went to said school, and goes on and on about it, which drives everyone, including DH mad!

I think excuses could be found for most of her comments, but I can't imagine ever telling a child they were too old for cuddles. How mean.

For the record, my 13 year old ds (14 next month ) still comes and asks for hugs from his mum in between arguments with him

Long may it last

(The hugs that is, not the arguments!)