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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To move out with our children because we've ended our relationship?

44 replies

DarthVadersAunty · 08/08/2014 13:14

Me and DP have ended things. Lots of reasons. His, mainly. He doesn't find me attractive anymore (I had our daughter ten months ago and haven't managed to shift much weight while looking after our 4yo), he doesn't much like my personality anymore either (well, PND and me having the gall to resent him for not helping much around the house probably makes me a bit of a drag to be around).

It's early days, but long-term I don't want to live with someone who doesn't particularly like me let alone fancy me. He found this very surprising. He was expecting the arrangement to now be that we just co-parent in the same house, everything carrying on as normal except we're not a couple anymore.

I couldn't afford the rent on our house by myself, so I told him that by this time next year I'd like to have a deposit together for me and the children to find somewhere cheaper to live, instead of asking him to leave I'll leave myself.

So I'm irrational. Selfish. Nasty, because he won't see the children as much and all I'm doing is punishing him for no longer loving me. All I'm thinking of is myself and my feelings and I'm punishing everyone around me. He thinks we should just stay as we are, that I'll never be able to provide the same standard of living if I were to go it alone, and therefore I'm irresponsible.

So is he right? AIBU?

OP posts:

MaryWestmacott · 08/08/2014 14:06

Oh he just wants everything to be on his terms, he thinks he's a catch and has all the power in your relationship, so he's annouced it's over so that you'll lose the weight, run round after he, try to win him back, he's going to hate you taking away the choice from him.

Thing is, this is such a high risk idea, by telling you it was over, he risked you doing this, you deciding you didn't want him anyway.

Tell him it doesn't matter if he does or doesn't want someone else, he can't "unsay" what he said, you no longer want t obe in a relatinship with a man like him and won't live with a man you aren't in a relationship with.

So you need a plan to get out sooner, any way you can get the money together sooner? Or get him to leave - what would you be entitled too? Is it a bought or rented property? If rented, when is the tenancy up? You both need to leave and he needs to give you back your share of the deposit. If bought, he's responsible for the mortgage even if he doesn't live in it anymore, so ask him to leave while you put it on the market.

HaroldsBishop · 08/08/2014 14:07

He was expecting the arrangement to now be that we just co-parent in the same house, everything carrying on as normal except we're not a couple anymore.

I'm actually speechless!

AlpacaMyBags · 08/08/2014 14:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CarmineRose1978 · 08/08/2014 14:13

Tell him to go fuck himself. He sounds like a complete wankbadger.

Original poster

DarthVadersAunty · 08/08/2014 14:25

It's rented and costs way above what I'd be able to pay on my own. I'm a SAHM, so will be looking for a job - DD has health issues which will make that more difficult, but I can't see a way of continuing to stay at home with her and affording rent and everything else. The LHA rate in my area is so far removed from reality it's not funny, not an option to remain unemployed.

I think it'll take a year. I don't envisage DP helping me to move out somehow...

OP posts:

MsAnthropic · 08/08/2014 14:33

He was expecting the arrangement to now be that we just co-parent in the same house, everything carrying on as normal except we're not a couple anymore.
That's hilarious. He seems not to have given it much thought or to realise that once you've split up ("split up" is the clue) that you're now two independent people who make their own decisions and living arrangements. If you break up with someone, you don't get a say in their life from that point on. What an idiot.

YANBU. Of course it's unsustainable to live like that. You are being the sane one.

MaidOfStars · 08/08/2014 14:34

And OP, will he pay you maintenance?

Original poster

DarthVadersAunty · 08/08/2014 14:35

I know how much debt he's in. I rather suspect he won't be a fountain of money.

OP posts:

whitsernam · 08/08/2014 14:37

Oh my. Do you have any family who could help? I'm betting your parents or a sibling would gladly help you make a deposit somewhere, or even have you move in with them! Living with your P does not sound like something I'd want to do for a year. Alpaca had some great advice about what to stop doing, and getting records together. You'll start to feel better as soon as you start actually taking steps to leave..... Be kind to yourself, above all.

NacMacFeeglie · 08/08/2014 14:40

It doesn't have to take a year. Are you in the uk OP.

JamNan · 08/08/2014 14:51

Could you claim Housing Benefit and stay in your current house? If you get a PT job you should get tax credits?

What a shit. Tell him to sling his hook. Methinks be prepared for an OW a couple of months down the line.

NacMacFeeglie · 08/08/2014 14:54

If in the uk you are now a lone parent. On that basis you will be entitled to income support tax credits housing benefit council tax benefit free school meals help towards school uniforms.

You will also be entitled to the deposit scheme where your local council can pay first months rent and deposit on a place for you.

Jux · 08/08/2014 14:57

Check with CAB what you're entitled to, what other help there is, whether you can get housing help from the Council or HAs.

Make copies of bank statements and his payslips etc.

Is there anything tieing you to this area (apart from him)? Would it be easier to find work/home/help in another area? Would you rather live somewhere completely different?

How old are the children? Moving school is very common, and not at all dire, so don't feel stuck because of that. It sounds like they're all young so moving now would be fine, different if they're in secondary about to do GCSEs or something!

The world is your oyster right now. Look at it, waiting for you. Grab it.

Good luck.

fun1nthesun · 08/08/2014 15:03

Maybe he thought he could have a friends with benefits scenario with you, chat up whoever he liked as well and get to play daddy as well. Now he realises that he might not see his kids every day or even you, he is rethinking his decision.

I bet if you told him you had found a job in another part of the country he would be asking you back and apologising. Whether you would take him back is something else.....

hamptoncourt · 08/08/2014 15:04

Fuck staying with him for another year OP - make plans to get out now.

Have a look at to and see CAB.

And if you have 2 or more DC he will have to pay 20% of his take home pay as a minimum in CM.

Could you stay with family for a few weeks whilst you get straight?

hamptoncourt · 08/08/2014 15:05

Sorry link should be ENTITLED TO

Original poster

DarthVadersAunty · 08/08/2014 15:42

Thanks, hampton, that's actually really helpful. It doesn't look as though it'll be as bad as I thought until I find work

OP posts:

AlpacaMyBags · 08/08/2014 16:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FantasticButtocks · 08/08/2014 16:19

What an unkind, selfish arse he is. He is trying to manipulate you into doing things his way. Glad to see you are not falling for it.

Find out all you can about your entitlements, and the if at all possible ask him to leave. The upheaval should be on him as he is the one who has chosen this.

It is very important that you are selfish actually. Look after your needs first then you will be in the best possible position for mothering

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