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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just chuck it in and go back home? I'm so homesick.

28 replies

ziggiestardust · 07/08/2014 19:22

We moved from Cornwall to London in April, and whilst we've really enjoyed it and we've had a lovely time... I want to go home. It was where I was born and raised, and we came to London for work.

I love the area and my new job. But these waves of homesickness are shitty. I miss my bloody friends, I miss my life that I had. We've gained a lot by coming here, but we've lost so much that I never even really stopped to consider because I got so caught up in it all.

It's been really bad this week. Home is all I can think about. My family... My lovely friends, our social life together, our chat and gossip... It's a physical ache in my throat and I almost feel poorly with it.

I don't know what to do. I can't see the wood for the trees Sad and I also don't understand why it's suddenly hit, but it has and I haven't felt so low for a while.

AIBU to give up and go home through homesickness?

OP posts:
Thenapoleonofcrime · 07/08/2014 19:28

Who else is involved in the decision? Husband, partner, children? It's a much bigger thing to move an entire family, schools and all, than if you are childfree and have relative flexibility.

I think homesickness is normal though. Plus if you say you like the job and the area those are two huge positives. What job would you be going back to? Why can't you holiday in Cornwall and have the best of both worlds or plan to move back in a few years time?

There must have been lots of reasons why you moved, not just you fancied a change- I would examine those very critically and then consider whether you are just having a few bad days.

MrsChickPea · 07/08/2014 19:29

Sorry you're sad. You've not been up here that long yet. You're probably still feeling a bit like a tourist, or maybe the excitement of moving somewhere new has worn off a little and your settling into a more normal routine. Moving to any different location would take longer than a few months to settle and properly feel like home (I think - can't be sure as never moved too far). Not sure if you have DC, but could you perhaps invite some friends up for a weekend...

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 07/08/2014 19:36

"You can't eat the view" is how I remind myself that although Yorkshire is my home, it can't support me. If you go home, you'll have given up and a lifetime of gloomy defeat awaits.

Original poster
ziggiestardust · 07/08/2014 19:37

DH is concerned I think, but he's said he'll support me if that's what I feel I need. We could afford it, and we only have one DC of pre school age.

I just really feel I can't put down roots. It's no ones fault but my own. I don't feel at ease in this house right now, I don't feel the same. Nothing is the same.

This move was something I wanted for so long... And now I'm just thinking 'fuck... What have I DONE?'

It's just an awful feeling wallowing round my gut. I just want to cry and cry and cry. I was so caught up with the feelings associated with moving; and now all that positivity has just washed away and I feel like I'm stuck in a place I don't actually know, and I just feel totally at sea with it all and mixed up.

OP posts:
Thenapoleonofcrime · 07/08/2014 19:40

Why don't you just feel miserable today (as in go with it)? I think it's normal, after the excitement and adrenaline and newness of moving, to have a come-down where you just suddenly look about and think- is this it?

But it sounds like you had some very good reasons for wanting to move, you just can't remember then right now. I'd have a good wallow for today, then give it a little while longer. You left in April- it's only the beginning of August! I think it takes about a year to really start to feel settled in a place.

MrsChickPea · 07/08/2014 19:42

I think perhaps it's because you don't 'know' about where you are living/area as well as you obviously did in Cornwall. Not sure where you are abouts in London, but I'm not far from London and I still get lost and don't know it all (actually I can get lost 3 miles from home but that's just me). I don't think anyone ever does (unless a Taxi Driver!). I think you should try for a least a year... I reckon you'll feel completely differently then. Did you want to move to London for a better job or because it felt/appeared exciting?

BigHairyLeggedSpider · 07/08/2014 19:48

I relocated from Devon to the Midlands 6 years ago and I still miss my friends and my home. it took a while to settle in up here but I did get there eventually. I'd suggest Give it some more time, get out and make friends, and give it time.

FrankSaysNo · 07/08/2014 19:48

I think you need to give it a fighting chance. London is a vibrant and cosmopolitan place. Moswt areas have little communities of 'immigrants' and by that I do genuinely meal all manner of souls who have come to London, be that from Cornwall, the outer Hebrides, small Irish farm, or far flung across the world. Life is what you make it. Im not patronising, or I dont mean to be, it really is only a couple of hours by train to get to Cornwall.....

Tinkleybison · 07/08/2014 19:56

Agree with Mrschick it is too early to throw the towel in. If you leave now you will wonder if you gave it enough of a chance and you will be left with a question mark as to whether you should have tried harder. Try and get through the first year and if you still feel the same start making plans. In the meantime would you like to tell us about your good reasons for moving?

onedev · 07/08/2014 19:58

Please don't do anything rash - there's a well known change curve, which after the initial euphoria of the move comes the 'down' period where it's perfectly normal to feel very homesick before you start to move up the curve again & then eventually get onto an even keel.

You need to give it at least another few months before making a decision to see if it's just the natural way of feelings or if you actually aren't going to adjust & therefore should move back??

Good luck!

Original poster
ziggiestardust · 07/08/2014 19:59

Getting out and making friends takes it's time, not that I haven't met some lovely people; I have, but you can't replicate a 6/7 year friendship in a matter of months. I know it's about being patient, I do understand that and I know it will come. This is just such a low point in our journey.

We came here for better work opportunities and a better life. And I love my work, but at the moment I have a great day at work, come home and think 'oh. That's it.'

OP posts:
Original poster
ziggiestardust · 07/08/2014 20:00

We came here for better paid jobs, more to do at the weekends, a better lifestyle, better schools, more choice on everything... The list is a long one, and with lots of good points.

OP posts:
theuncivilservant79 · 07/08/2014 20:02

I'm from Penzance and I've been homesick my entire adult life. I have good reasons for living there I do now but it will never be quite right Hmm

Original poster
ziggiestardust · 07/08/2014 20:02

I've been so keen to try and make friends as well, that I think I've come across a bit strong a few times. That hasn't helped either. I'm just so desperate to feel settled. I can't relax.

OP posts:
JadedAngel · 07/08/2014 20:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dolphinsandwhales · 07/08/2014 20:08

Where abouts are you op? There may be some mumsnetters who can recommend good local playgroups, evening classes, pubs etc

sixlive · 07/08/2014 20:08

You move back to London then all your friends start moving out when they have school aged kids. Stay give it 2 years.

riverboat1 · 07/08/2014 20:12

I feel for you, I've had this feeling before! The difference is I've moved so much in my life that I don't have roots in one fixed place the way you do.

I think you really have to give it a year, tbh. A few months isn't enough. Give it a year, so that you will have made it worthwhile to have gone through the move in the first place. Don't run home with your tail between your legs after a few months. Tell yourself it's for a year, and then see how you feel after that. A lot can change during that time, probably nothing huge, but enough incremental things that you can feel very different.

Original poster
ziggiestardust · 07/08/2014 20:46

I have met a few people, and the majority of them have been lovely, but because I don't know most of them that well; the majority flake out of plans pretty easily too so we never get past the acquaintance stage. I don't know if I've just been seriously unlucky, or if people here feel like they need to know you a year before they'll enter your house, but I'm getting pretty bummed out with it.

I miss my friends from home so much. I never realised how much just being comfortable and having friends on call was part of the home feeling. I miss my friends who would just come to my house after work, and come for lunch with me off the cuff, or we'd just sit round one another's houses giggling and send each other stupid texts at work.

OP posts:
MrsChickPea · 07/08/2014 20:49

Don't suppose you fancy letting us know ROUGHLY where you are? That would help a bit. People could suggest stuff locally...

Original poster
ziggiestardust · 07/08/2014 20:53

I'm near Epsom and work in London.

I started a thread a few days ago about places to go and got some ideas. I've tried the local boards and they're slower than slow.

I'm just missing my friends and I've realised how long it's going to take to make new ones just like before.

OP posts:
CiderwithBuda · 07/08/2014 21:08

It takes time. And it's been no time really.

I have moved about a lot. To London from Dublin years ago. Then overseas to four different countries where I made expat friends fairly quickly. Then we moved to Somerset three years ago. I really struggled. Found it very hard to get past the general chat stage. Am getting there slowly. As an expat I always recommended giving it at least a year and for a move within the UK I think I would say to give it longer. People have family and friends nearby quite often and life is busy so it can take time to become close to people.

CiderwithBuda · 07/08/2014 21:09

Oh - we lived in Ewell for a while!

MrsChickPea · 07/08/2014 21:10

There were loads of people on here the other day when another Thread/OP had talked about moving to Surrey... lots were from Epsom (some liked it some hated it).... hopefully some might appear soon with suggestions. I have no idea about Epsom, I live very slightly further west and fractionally nearer London. You are in suburbia there really, as am I. To be honest, you'll probably find that you make friends at work, and you won't make that many friends locally unless (a) you make a MAJOR effort to be part of the local scene or (b) when your DC start nursery/school (that's assuming you'll be present at the school gates). It is hard, but if you are intending to be there for pick up/drop off you will meet lots of people, and hopefully you find some kindred spirits. I still say give it at least a year.

Mrshoff · 07/08/2014 21:24

I'm in Guildford but work in Ewell. Where abouts are you? Are you on Facebook? There are local Epsom/ewell mum pages on there, let me know if you want details x