Aibu to not send my kids?

[Joanne279]

Hi everyone.

I'm struggling to know what to do with sending my kids to their dads this weekend.

We had a row 2 weeks ago over them playing outside and this is the scenario.

Ex's step dd aged 10 has ADHD.

Ex's step dd aged 7 has suspected aspergers.

My dd aged 9 has autism.

My ds aged 6 no other difficulties.

Ok, so all 4 children are allowed to play at a local park (within the cul-de-sac) but this park has it's own access to the main road. The park has a very large open pond, ie no fencing around it and is very secluded with lots of trees.

They are also allowed to play in the street and right the way down the end of the road, with further access to the main road, virtually out of sight of the house for long periods of time.

My ex claims to be watching them out of the window but most of the road is not visible from the window and no doubt he's not stood there every minute.

My concern is my dd9 has no road sense or stranger danger awareness because of her autism. Ex stepdd10 has ADHD and also little road sense and very impulsive.

This 10 yr old additional need girl is expected to look after herself, 2 younger children with additional needs and a 6 year old all by herself.

I am worried about sending my kids. I have support of camhs (child and adolescent mental health service) who agree it's not a very good idea but my ex refuses to believe its a problem.

His response is 'there are loads of kids outside they all watch each other'

Aibu to think this is a receipe for disaster?

Ant advice on how to proceed? Thanks x

YANBU. I would be really unhappy with this. I have a ds with ADHD and a ds with ASD and know they have to be treated as younger that their actual age. Six is very little to be out on your own anyway.

I don't know what you can do though if your ex doesn't see it as a problem. Can you refuse to send them? I think I would. I make all the decisions for our children and sometimes it pisses me off but there's a lot to be said for it.

YANBU. Do the other children know they are supposed to be 'looking out for' younger children or children with special needs? It's an unfair responsibility. Ask your Ex how he thinks the 10yo would feel if something happened to the 6yo on her watch?

Children need supervision especially around roads and water. If he's just standing at the window watching, why can't he be stood in the park watching? Lazy bugger.

It's massively bothering me and he makes me feel like I'm vein very unreasonable. I don't know what to do x

I wouldn't send them if you think they will be at risk but contact him formally by email and state your reasons and also what your CAMS say.

Bump x

YANBU. My ds2 has dyspraxia and (suspected) ASD. He is 8 years old but I would say my 5 year old is more emotionally mature than he is. Whilst I felt perfectly comfortable letting ds1 out to play with his friends at that age, there's no way I would let ds2 do the same because he really could not cope and would have little to no awareness of roads and general safety issues.

As a parent, you have a duty to ensure that your children aren't placed at unnecessary risk, and sadly it sounds as though sending them to their dad's house, where they will be allowed to play out as you described, would be far riskier than is justifiable.

You could contact him by email, outline your concerns and what CAHMS have said and ask him to please ensure that the children are not let out to play without an adult present - and specify that "present" does not mean looking out of the window. Presumably he will respond as he has done previously, and you can then follow that by saying you will not send them to stay with him while he continues to expose them to such a risk.

Keep it calm and factual, but get it all in writing.

Thank you for your support. I don't want them to go but I know he's going to tell me I'm over reacting. X

Don't have much experience with SN, but since its a group of kids playing together, they sure watch each other. Its not a recipe for disaster

Essentially the 6yo is being expected to be the responsible one here. There is not a cat in hells chance I'd let an AN child supervise mine, even less chance as two of them have AN themselves. Heck I'd not even expect a nt child to supervise.

Your ex needs to accept the diagnosis and limitations of his and his step children. He needs to ensure a responsible adult is present in the vicinity of the children playing. If he can't, then either the children don't go out of the garden or they don't go to his.

He also has to understand that other children might not be so understanding or aware of your children's needs. Theres a young girl down our road who has various needs and rarely plays out. She was allowed out a few weeks ago with, her mum supervising, when all the children were having a water fight. She joined in and then lay down. The others carried on soaking her, which she enjoyed up to a point. When she leapt up and clawed for her mother screaming a purely primal scream. No one could have predicted that. Even her mum. But she had to haul her kicking, screaming, biting 7 year old home to calm down. What if her mother had not been nearby? Which of the children would have been able to manage her, much less not be terrified (which was the immediate reaction)?

My ds1 (4) is suspected to have ADHD. We're on the long road at the moment. I also have a 6yo and 2yo twins. I can't ask my 6yo to watch out for her brother as he is so unpredictable at times, it would be unfair. She wouldn't be able to enjoy her own play time for fear of her brother getting into trouble.

No, I'm completely with you. Yanbu.