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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to tell my friend that her DD treats her like crap?

19 replies

TheSameBoat · 05/08/2014 10:51

Because I'm finding it harder and harder to stay quiet....

Her DD (10yo) treats her like a slave. For example if we're having dinner together she will order her mum to get her something from the kitchen, refusing to do it herself if challenged and will tell her mum quite outright that it is her job to do so. If her mum sits next to her or gives her a hug she tells her to go away, that she can't stand her being near her.

I've even seen her throw a rock at her mum. Her mum is very kind and patient. Sometimes she trys to discipline her half heartedly, sometimes she laughs it off with an embarrassed "kids!" look. I think she is afraid to be too harsh bcs the DD idolises the XH and has said she wants to live with him (he doesn't want this).

The DD is very manipulative and knows that if she is nice to her mum for a while she will buy her what she wants. She says horrid things about her mum to me and all I lamely say is "your mum is lovely" when really I want to give her a piece of my mind. But I can't because that breaks the unspoken protocol of not interfering.

The other people in the group are pretty fed up with it and I think it will break the group up. I am afraid that I will eventually blow up at the DD and cause all kind of trouble.

WWYD?

OP posts:

justmyview · 05/08/2014 11:05

I'd be wary of interfering. It won't be appreciated.

MummaB1014 · 05/08/2014 11:07

Oh dear, your poor friend. Must be very hard in her position.

Have you spoken with her about how her daughter treats her? I've a friends with a DD (although much younger at 5) who does almost exactly the same along with hitting and biting her mother. I have spoken with my friend on a few occasions (just the two of us) and let her know that no matter what her DD says about wanting to be with her father she does not have to put up with that treatment. In speaking I tried my best to let her know that she had my support but I found it hard biting my tongue, we agreed that BOTH of us would treat each other's children as we would our own and if we saw behaviour we weren't happy with then we'd tell them off as if it were our own child.

That obviously isn't going work for everyone. But try talking to your friend, she's going to need your support.

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 05/08/2014 11:15

If 10 year old slagged off Friend of mine she would get short shift from me.

BookABooSue · 05/08/2014 11:18

Surely your friend knows how her dd treats her so you don't need to tell her? Your friend is struggling to balance being a parent and the competing demands of a manipulative ex and manipulative dd by the sound of it. The latter is still a child and depending on when her parents split then her dm may be trying to compensate for the upset of the split.

However if the dd was badmouthing her mum to me then I wouldn't allow it. I think it's perfectly acceptable to do more than tell the dd that her mum is lovely. You can firmly stop any conversation, say you don't think it's appropriate and either leave or change the subject. Perhaps the dd thinks she is confiding in you but you don't seem to think that is the case so stop those conversations. There is nothing to be gained from allowing her that space if you're then using it to judge her.

Your friend needs her confidence rebuilt not criticism.

BookABooSue · 05/08/2014 11:20

There is nothing to be gained from allowing her that space if you're then using it to judge her.
What I mean is by allowing those conversations to continue you're tacitly condoning it. Don't.

Original poster

TheSameBoat · 05/08/2014 11:49

BookABoo, I think the DD senses that I don't like her treatment of her mum so she comes sidling up to me.

She has then said stuff like "you're much nicer than my mum. I wish I was your DD" to which I have said "your mum is lovely. You're lucky to have her".

God I feel so awkward though because I end up with this severe dislike of a young kid, who is going through a tough time probably but she is so manipulative and I don't like being near her!

I think you're right though. Next time she tries that routine I will tell her in no uncertain terms to jog on until she treats her mum decently. I just worry that if she tells her mum, her mum will see me as interfering.

oh well ....

OP posts:

Original poster

TheSameBoat · 05/08/2014 11:52

And yes her mum /my friend has indicated that she is aware of the abuse she gets. But IMO she puts up with way too much. If that were DS he would be seeing the four walls of his room and hearing a lecture for a very long time!

OP posts:

CarbeDiem · 05/08/2014 12:04

I think I'd try and find a jokey approach with the dd for some things.

''Oi! miss lazy bones, if you want something from the kitchen, you go get it. Let your mum sit down for 10 minutes'' or similar.

I'd really struggle not to say something too, it must be awful.

DogCalledRudis · 05/08/2014 12:08

My friend has a son with Aspergers, 20yo. The way he treats her is appalling. Once it was her birthday and he kicked off screaming: "what kind of mother are you? You get drunk and your disabled child is starving!" (He wanted a frozen pizza, refusing to eat anything what was in the fridge, and she wouldn't drive him to the shops as she had some wine)
But she is so used to it she doesn't pay attention anymore.

NickiFury · 05/08/2014 12:10

I would tell her straight out "don't speak to your mother like that, it makes you sound horrible, I know you're not really, but it sounds like you are."

BookABooSue · 05/08/2014 12:14

I like CarbeDiem 's idea too. It might make you unpopular with the dd for a while but it will start to filter through.

Your friend might think her dd is pushing her to see if she will leave too (depending on how recent the split from her df). But she can say 'I love you and that's why I'm not picking up after you/taking your abuse, etc'

I think it's great that you want to help your friend and also that you recognise that her dd is going through a bad time.

Bit of a random idea but is she in any groups like Guides? They are big on respect for parents, helping at home, etc. Although lots of fun too. Maybe if the dd was getting external pointers like that it would reinforce what you are saying.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 05/08/2014 12:18

If your friend has never asked for your advice on how to deal with her daughter's behaviour and you're not bothered about jeopardising the friendship, just go ahead.

FrankSaysNo · 05/08/2014 12:20

My colleagues son who is 7 is very similar. I have to say it, within our friendship group we all detest the child and try and avoid any contact with him.

So very rude. I could list so many instances where I will pull him up and she excuses the behaviour. I have to be careful about outing myself, you never know who is reading. I pulled him to one side and told him he was rude, that he never said anything nice to his mummy, that I was sick of being hit by him, that he shouldn't hit his mummy, that he was always complaining and never said thank you or kissed her unless she asked for a kiss. He gave me a look that said "fuck off" and announced "my house I can do what I like".

If I pull him up in my house, she never backs me up and he will announce "I'm allowed to do that" . Apparently he isn't jumping on the furniture he's practising his balancing according to his mother.

He has no boundaries in place at all. I find it inappropriate that he wants to get into bed with me or my son when we went on holiday. She just says "oh no you cant sleep in there all night, maybe if you wake up early you can have some bed time with Frank and son" err? no! Not happening!

I do think he has a problem, borderline everything but no formal diagnosis other than dyslexia. He never sleeps either. Cant focus, no attention. Has to be plugged in every meal time to a particular streaming on the iPad. then he forgets to eat and she spoon feeds him. I did mention he's 7? Oh and if he has to "go poo" he has to go NOW. This has caused endless parking tickets and the horror of him shitting in a carrier bag - straining to shit, a 20 minute strain - with public toilets not 10 yards away.

He has Little Emperor Syndrome.

Original poster

TheSameBoat · 05/08/2014 12:24

Dog, that sounds awful. Nicki, yes perhaps the "you're better than that" might appeal to her conscience, if she has any! I'll give it a go.

OP posts:

insanityscratching · 05/08/2014 12:50

I would say nothing and try and keep the friendship during times when the child is at school. I had to distance myself from my very dear friend because I couldn't cope with seeing how her ds and dd treated her. They were teens then and it was getting worse and worse although from being small they treated with total disrespect.
I think the day her son told her to get her fat arse off the sofa and get him a pencil (that was in his reaching distance) finishing it off with lazy bitch was the day that marked the end tbh. Particularly when she didn't say a word to him (he was 13) and fetched the pencil.
I had spoken up for her told her she deserved better but she seemed unable to alter anything. I witnessed so much what I thought was bizarre behaviour that I couldn't take it anymore, like her giving her ds a piggy back up the stairs to the bathroom because he was going to pee on the floor otherwise (aged 11 or 12) or her 20 year old dd having a proper full on screaming tantrum because her breakfast wasn't ready when she walked downstairs.
I wonder to this day if she is still suffering as dc are into their 20's now and still at home.

kentishgirl · 05/08/2014 13:06

When the little madam sidled up to me and said 'I wish I was your DD' I'd find it very hard not to snap back 'Thank God you aren't. I've seen how you treat your mother. It's a disgrace.'

5Foot5 · 05/08/2014 13:17

^^ kentishgirl - you must be channelling me. That is almost word for word what I had in mind!

LondonForTheWeekend · 05/08/2014 13:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wonderingsoul · 05/08/2014 14:12

I agree.. Next time you see it.. Step in

I bet it'd give her mum that little bit of confidence.

You don't need to go all he'll fire on her.. Just a simple.

Don't speak to your mum like that, it's disrespectful, fixed with a shuttle stare.

In my close friends theres one child who's 6, who has seen more than he should and.has anger issues, and will think nothing of calling you a fucking bitch or throwing stuff at you, not quite the same but we now have a rule that the first to see or hear any thing bad tells them off. That includes our kids to, are you close enough to bring the subject up with the mum?

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