to ask how you know you're having a depression relapse? Can't decide what to do!

[CharlieBrookerScowl]

Loong story but I've had on/off depression/anxiety for 10 years now. Usually with long gaps inbetween luckily and have found that Mirtazipine it the best AD for me, which helps as some of them have given me awful side affects in the past but it does make me a little plump.

Dealt with a tricky breakup 2 months ago (it was what I wanted but had to call the police twice as he harassed me for a bit but has given up now).
We were together a year and a half and I forgot how lonely it was to be at home most evenings with a small child. A lovely small child but you know how it is.

Also, it's the summer holidays so the days are long and stressfull at the moment.

The last 3 weeks or so my sleep has gotten pretty crap (find it hard to fall asleep and go back to sleep if I wake up, which I seem to do at 2/3 a lot). Am crankier with DS/things in general which I know is a sign for me but it's not awful, yet.

And eating habits have gone a bit crap, which is another one for me.

I'm not sure if I should accept it as just sadness/adjustment over the breakup/being alone again and leave it but try to correct things like diet/sleep...or if I should be more worried and see my GP etc.

I was in hospital in Oct '13 for a severe 'episode' so am trying not to panic and presume the worst, as I'm still on high alert from that in a way.

Sorry for the long post. Just don't want to worry/bother any family with it unless I have to as they helped a lot last year and have their own stuff to deal with etc.

Also have the 'random aches and pains' which is a stress/tiredness thing but I also get it when I'm 'ill'.

DS's dad is picking him up tonight so I'll have 2 days to recharge a bit at least. Just feel really hollow lately.

First thing is to fix the diet, sleep and make sure your getting exercise. I know its hard but sometimes when you get so low its the kick you need to fix it! Makes such a huge difference. Giving up refined sugar and processed crap and being addicted to exercise means I've never been really depressed since

Thanks. I've thrown out the crap and bought easy to make stuff (I swing between eating too much and forgetting to eat). And bought some sleeping tablets to try and get the sleeping pattern back on track.

I have DS all day most days hard to excercise in a gym etc so we just walk a lot. Am going to make myself do a local 5 mile walk (lovely countryside walk) each day when DS is at his dads in the hope it'll help with the sleep and just spread a few more endorphins about.

I'm trying not to be annoyed at myself for feeling low. Need to watch that negative 'inner dialogue' stuff etc

For me sometimes if I catch the small signs early on I can stave off a relapse by 'correcting' the things I know can make it worse. For me that's eating properly (proper meals even when I don't really want to cook), exercising (even when it's the last thing in the world I want to do when I leave the house I know I'll feel better afterwards), trying to get enough sleep and forcing myself to go out and do stuff/socialise - although it's more effort it helps overall. So in my experience I would say yes, try sorting the food and sleep first, it might just be enough.

If that doesn't have any effect over a couple of weeks then back to the GP, you can discuss it with them - if they think it's purely situational they might be able to refer you for counselling rather than going straight back to the meds, if they (or you by then) think it's definitely a 'relapse' then well, that's what the medication is there for :-)

Early intervention is key with this. Think about having a chat with your GP. Sometimes just a short while on ADs can get you through a tough time and makes then getting sleep, diet, exercise possible.

Thanks. Agree about the little things. I'm making myself go out and see people when I don't want to because I've got enough experience of it to know that doing what you feel like doing (not going out/looking after yourself etc) is the worst thing to do

I was already low before the breakup (lots of reasons) so it just compacted it really. I'm glad we're not together anymore! He was making me feel ten times worse/more stressed out.

Meeting up with a friend who's had similar issues and is also a single mum with a similar aged boy, so she's very good to talk to. And it means getting out the house and keeping DS occupied too

Trying not to worry too much as that'll just make it worse too!

I know that the ADs I was on last time were brilliant (though they make you dopey to start with as they're a sedative too, which are taken at night). But they do seem to make me gain weight so I don't want to take them unless I have to (because being a bit too plump is one of the reasons I feel quite low). But of course I'd rather be a bit fat than depressed.

Thanks for the replies, wasn't expecting any but it just helps to not bottle it up, which I've been doing this last fortnight!

I should probably make an appnt with the GP (as it'll be a few weeks til I get one anyway) and then cancel it if I pick up. That's probably the best way to go. They're probably sick of me by now though. Always in there with clumsy DS or me, because my body doesn't like the summer so plays up

I think you in your heart when you are slipping back. I've not had depression for about 6 years because I am so proactive. If I am not sleeping well, not eating well, start to shy away from the phone for a few days I need to be change, urgently.

It is now that you can give yourself a kick up the arse

Now is the time to change

It sounds like you are doing all the right things :) Be kind to yourself, this is really common and nothing to feel bad about.

Thanks

I do sometimes feel bad, as very unhelpfull friends/family say things like "Well surely your DS is enough of a reason not to get depressed". Errr the fact that being depressed is hellish is enough of a reason, but it doesn't work that way

That is one of my bugbears - my DM often comes out with helpful gems like that! I am starting to slide back into depression, but it is so insidious at first I thought I was just going through a 'low' period which I can manage. The biggest tip off for me, is when I start leaving housework. When I can't be bothered to put a load of washing in the machine or run the hoover round.
I do HIIT three times a week and walk 10-20 miles a week, diet is generally good (except during period!). I just have a depressive gene. I've been on AD's for the last 7 years and have been depressed for over 20.
I have related to so much of your OP - particularly about being less tolerant of the DC.
I hate this illness, it is so wearing and terrifying and causes me so much worry that I'm going to 'pass it on' to my children.
for you OP

Yeah, I'm quite a neat freak/houseproud so when I can't be arsed I know it's bad. Hope you feel better soon. I worry about DS but he's much more outgoing than I was at his age.

It's literally a bit depressing knowing I'll probably have to deal with this most of my adult life...but on the plus side I learn a lot each time and consider myself stronger than most for it!

The family 'gems' are just part of the package I guess. I try to remember they mean well!

Just wanted to say you seem extremely self aware and logical. You sound like you have a real plan.
The idea that our kids are reason not to be depressed makes me grrr! But they are certainly a reason to look after ourselves. Take care x

Thank you. Feel a bit better for seeing a friend but DS played up a lot. Wound me up a bit!

Going to ring the docs later to make an appnt for the next couple of weeks. There are a few causes that I can't change straight away (like waiting to move to a bigger place, DS's club foot which has been healed but is still a cause of worry as he's still at slight risk of relapse/related issues and being limited in what I can do outside of the house because DS is not quite school age yet, though he will be next year, then things can really get going job wise)! So it's more about coping with all that as it is and being patient. It won't be this way forever etc. Just feels is sometimes, especially at the moment.

I think it's probably best to go back on medication. I find i'm focussed on my mood more often than I am the moment, which only happens when it's gotten quite uncomfortable/noticable and is slowly affecting how I perceive things, if that makes any sense!

I tend to catch it happening early thankfully, due to lots of past CBT which is better than it sneaking up on you like it does the first few times

May talk to DM about it this weekend. She can be very accidentally unhelpful though, which makes me dread talking to her about it. My uncle is great to talk to though (he's Bipolar himself and has never come out with the clangers that the rest do).

I just want to sleep properlly. Feels like it's driving me mad, literally

Nearly time though. Almost there...

Had a really stressful eve with DS. We had a nice cuddle before bed but feel like a crap mum. Definitely going to the docs asap. It's not fair on him.

Won't beat myself up though. Not the way forward hard as it may be not to.

Using the next few days that DS is away to see the GP, catch up on sleep, eat well, walk/get out as much as possible and just to recharge. Meditate a bit (no hippy dippy stuff, just the mindfullness type). That should all make a good difference

Just came back on as have been dealing with my DC all day.
You aren't a crap mum Charlie. It's really hard dealing with this and looking after a child. Especially when it sometimes feels as though they are going out of their way to wind you up!
The sleeping is what annoys me the most! Although other things make me feel worse, the not sleeping is the most pointless 'symptom' and just makes everything feel worse.
How are you feeling now? I'll be back soon if you want to chat - just going to put DD and DS to bed.

You don't sound like a bad mum to me either, rather a loving but tired and stressed one - and that's not a crime. Not sleeping properly is so tough and impacts on everything, doesn't it.

I too take mirtazapine for anxiety and also find it makes me plump but meh, I'd rather be a bit fat than knackered, thin, miserable and unable to sleep! (Not criticising or trying to minimise at all btw, I completely understand). I take the lowest dose and have been daily for 2 years - it's had a very positive impact on my life so maybe consider going back on it?

That aside, I think it's natural to feel miserable and down after a break up, these things can affect your eating and sleeping patterns which in turn have a knock on effect. Not to mention the stress of being harrassed by your horrible sounding ex.

Please don't be too hard on yourself and do go to your GP if you feel you may be slipping.

Lastly come back here for support and a chat if it helps you. And take care of yourself :)

Amen to it being the most pointless symptom. It's like having a newborn again except DS is massive and a total handfull, wheras a newborn just stays put

And thanks. It's hard not to feel really guilty for not being at my best for him. Especially as he lives with me 95% of the time, so I feel like I can't 'afford' to not be on form IYSWIM? But it is what it is and at least I'm getting as on top of it as I can.

Lack of sleep, feeling exhausted all the time and irritability are my main 'symptoms'. I don't seem to get 'classically' depressed. I still manage to get out of bed but I go the other way and put too much pressure on myself to keep going etc. Plus I get a really restless and can't concentrate/remember things very well.

Not that bad yet but don't want to risk it. Put DS to bed and tried to think back to the end of June, when things were a bit better and to see how different I feel etc and I think I have been feeling gradually worse since then. It was just normal low mood but this week has given me a bit of a wake up call. I get low like everyone else but it doesn't usually keep me up at night or bother me all day etc.

Scuse the waffle! Hope bedtime went ok

You are absolutely right to get to the GP ASAP - noticing signs early is so important so well done (I've had recurrent depression for 10 years too). Maybe ask about an alternative to mirtazapine - I had to stop taking it and was given agomelatine instead - wonderful drug with no side effects! Personally I take 3 ADs but they boost each other - an SSRI, Agomelatine and lithium as a booster. Big unmumsnetty hug and hoping you'll be getting the right support x

I might ask to try out something else. I loathed Citalopram and Setraline made me more suicidal during a bad bout last year, which was dangerous (and was likely the cause for the hospital admission)!.

Thank you. If I tell them mirtazipine worked but ask if there's anything similar I can try to see if I adapt better. It made me seriously tired for the first week as it's a sedative but that does pass.

It started when I was 13 so although I'm not very old at all it's still been just over ten years now. You start to get more used to spotting it though which is a good thing I suppose. Less and less wool over your eyes each time!

Hope you're well yourself

Being very naughty and going to the cinema alone tomorrow to watch a film I'm dying to see. That always lifts my spirits. Love the cinema and it's quite a treat nowadays as I can only go if I don't have DS or if we're watching a kids film

Try going for walks (so you are physically tired) yoga (to relax), eating nice food, (boost with a multivitamin/ multimineral as things like zinc deficiency can bring you down), seeing friends and generally do things to bless and love yourself a bit. Hopefully you have learnt to spot the signs now and can head it off at the pass!
Swimming in cold water works for me, for some reason.

What are you going to see? I love being in the cinema - it's so exciting, the big seats, the dramatic music, the dark!!

Guardians of the Galaxy. It's a comedy and I'm a massive nerd so it's right up my street. I find it just as exciting as I did when I was little. Never got less exciting for me