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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to wonder if I can stop my friend being 'a bitter single mum'

19 replies

notagainffffffffs · 04/08/2014 17:17

Her words not mine :(
I am really starting to not enjoy spending any time with her at all. Today was a two hour rant about her horrible birth and how much of a dick her ex is. Thing is, I know all this, I was there when her dd was born, and throughout her whole pregnancy and for many years before. But this ranting ranting ranting has been non stop for 6 months now.
I have a dd same ish age as hers (both under 1) but have a partner. Everything is how hard everything is, no one helps etc etc. But the thing is she lives rent free with her mum who babysits 3 nights a week.
The ranting is just a stream of how much a tit ex his, how useless, nothing will ever make it up to her, but how she is going to get really fit so he knows how much he has lost out...
I told her today that she should probably reign it in soon, as her dd will pick up on it before too long but she didnt even stop for breath.
I'm starting to really not like her very much but I dont know what more I can do, she certainly has a lot more help/support than many people.

OP posts:

cailindana · 04/08/2014 17:18

You can't change her. If you find her draining and don't enjoy her friendship, start distancing herself. It might be worth telling her that her negativity gets to you but I'm guessing she won't take that very well.

fun1nthesun · 04/08/2014 18:49

You might be the only person she has to offload on? However I can imagine it must be draining. Why not give her a book on karma and invite her to do the 100 days or happiness or think positive things going on facebook.

I've had moments where I give in to negativity and my lovely friends very gently nudge me into being positive again, and amazingly, I find I feel better for not moaning.

Being a single mum can be incredibly lonely though...

victoryinthekitchen · 04/08/2014 18:50

I've been in a position similar to this, a friend sounding off each time I saw her, I realised that throughout a meal she hadn't asked once about anyone or anything in my life again and it was getting pretty wearing. I ended up seeing her less and less which is a shame really but I don't think it was doing either of us much good!! Maybe it sounds harsh but a friendship should be 2 way.

Lally112 · 04/08/2014 19:00

I know someone like this though I wouldn't say she is a 'friend'. She doesn't gob off in front of me anymore since I pointed out to her that she was the one who picked dickhead ex, he was a dickhead not long after they got together, he continued his dickhead ways throughout the relationship and questioned her lack of common sense by pointing out that having a child with him was not going to make him any less of dickhead.

It probably was a bit blunt but it was the truth and there is only so much whining I could take before stating the blatantly obvious.

HippityHoppityLaLaLa · 04/08/2014 19:01

Could she have undiagnosed PND and /or need support to deal with the horrible birth?

You could try letting her rant for a bit, while you nod-and-smile, then say 'that's enough for now' and fore a change of subject.

Getting fit will help her in many ways, as long as she is not motivated only by revenge. Perhaps you could focus on this, and start doing something together? Gym, running, Pilates, whatever, ideally in company.

HippityHoppityLaLaLa · 04/08/2014 19:01

*force

rookiemater · 04/08/2014 19:13

Can you subtly change the topic once she has been going on a bit? Or just randomly start speaking about something else or even point out what she does have when she starts complaining i.e.
Friend: I have to look after DD all by myself -
You - Doesn't your DM look after her 3 evenings a week?

Friend: I have no money because of evil ex
You - but you live rent free with your DM, so you are better off than a lot of people ?

Failing that you could just assume a really bored look when she starts talking about it, put on a glazed look, don't interact with her.

hopefully she'll get the message soon.

cruikshank · 04/08/2014 19:26

Oh my. So she has a baby of less than a year old, her ex (who she will be tied to for life whether or not that means in actual contact with) is a dick, and she's had to give up her independence to move back in with her mum, and yet people are saying you should be telling her how lucky she is? I recommend some of you swap lives with her and then think about how great it really is to be bringing up your own family in your parents' home, and for that family to be fractured. I am also rather aghast at the thought that the fact he is a dick is somehow her fault. Have a little compassion, folks.

And, in fact, that's what I would advise you to do as well, OP. She's still very new to this parenting lark, she's living in much less than ideal circumstances and I bet you would not want to be in her situation. Let her rant and get it all out - she's hurting. Different people deal with break-ups in different ways, different people deal with parenthood in different ways, different people deal with life in different ways. If she's a friend, I'm sure you have a shared history together. Haven't there been any times at all when she's supported you through a bad patch? I bet there have, and I would imagine that none of your bad patches have been quite as bad as having the father of your child leave you to take sole responsibility of that child while having to live in your parents' house, all the time knowing that not only is he rejecting you but he is rejecting a young baby as well - his young baby; you know, the one he is supposed to be devoting his life to nurturing, providing for, caring for and keeping safe, secure, warm and loved at all costs. It's a hell of a situation.

cruikshank · 04/08/2014 19:31

Also, if she is still talking about the birth in such a negative way, and dwelling on it for hours at a time, there is a very real possibility that she is suffering from birth trauma or even PTSD. There are organisations out there than can help her, including helping her go back to the hospital and have a full and frank discussion about what happened during labour which many people find very helpful in coming to terms with a difficult birth experience. This website, for example might be a useful starting point and I would urge you to signpost it for her - could be a bit more useful than letting your eyes glaze over:

www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk/.

HappySeaTurtles · 04/08/2014 19:33

I find the easiest way to stop people from whining is asking them what they want to do about it. Birth was horrible, did you see your GP? Hate living at home, How are you going to move out?

People that want to just have a moan stop, people that want to actually have a solution have a sounding board to think and come up with a strategy.

That said, I think a couple moans with support and sympathy are allowed, but if it's a chronic thing, then either make the best of a bad situation or work on a solution.

SaucyJack · 04/08/2014 19:46

Put a time- limit on how much moaning you're prepared to listen to per visit/phone call then firmly change the subject or walk off to another room if necessary.

You could even make a thing of setting a timer on your phone if she's the type to have a sense of humour about it.

comediewithme · 04/08/2014 19:50

I had a friend like this and believe me, for many years I was supportive and caring. But while I was going through a difficult time myself and after friend continued to dominate the conversation with all the awful things her ex had done to her (who she still saw btw) I eventually said, "I'm sorry. I have given you 5 years of advice. You have taken none of it. I'm not even sure you have heard a word I have said. If you continue this topic of conversation again, I will just walk off."

And you know what, it worked!

Rivercam · 04/08/2014 19:56

My initial thought was that she was 'grieving' for the lost relationship, and not really coming to terms with her current situation.

I like a Rookies idea of countering her arguments with constructive comments - make her realise she is not a victim. Also, she could be suffering from pnd, as others have suggested. Perhaps advise her to see her doctor.

cruikshank · 04/08/2014 20:06

She has to be ready for the constructive comments though, and it doesn't sound at the moment as though she is. That's not to say she'll never get there, but I think that you need to let yourself be guided by her, otherwise you're just saying things that make you feel better, rather than that will make her feel better, which means both of you will be off on your own little tangents, at which point your exchange stops being a conversation and turns into two people talking at each other.

I think it's a good thing that she wants to get herself into shape, for whatever reason - it's bound to make her feel better about herself, and maybe she'll get such a boost from it that she won't be dwelling so much on how shit a situation she's in, so I would definitely encourage that.

heraldgerald · 04/08/2014 20:17

Totally agree with what cruikshank has written. Op it sounds like you are a good friend to her- she really is in a shit situation.

foslady · 04/08/2014 21:23

Another one who is seeing it from cruikshanks POV. I would suggest round at yours one night and maybe you initial the conversation. A 2/3/4 year plan - ok it's shit right now, what would make it better, how can we help you get there, what would you need and in what practical time scale. By taking it apart one chunk at a time and helping her come to terms with her massive life change which it appears has left her floundering, she can maybe start to look towards the future and see that people around her care about her and her happiness (or current lack of it) and want to help her get back to being her

RainbowTeapot · 04/08/2014 21:33

It is incredibly difficult when you cant see a way out. I ended up in a less than desirable aituation and I really did feel helpless and stuck. I think the friends I valued most didnt try to change the topic to "think positivelt" as I needed to acknowledge how shit it was, articulate it and be heard and heal before coming out of it the other end.

I think its v hard if you've never really struggled or.lost a lot to underatand the stages you go through. Could you suggest home start for support. They are amazing and now im out of my tricky situation I hppe to volunteer with them.

Don't try to counsel her. Just walk alongside her. Maybe suggest meetig outdoors at a park or somewhere where you can do things together.
In life.

on the other hand I have friends that have been long term them-focused and I do limit the time I spend with them if im also strugling.
she's living at home with a child. Is that really where youd have chosen to be

missymayhemsmum · 04/08/2014 22:27

If she's been ranting and angry for 6 months then maybe it's time to point this out firmly and tell her to stop wasting her life being angry with her ex- the great thing about ending a relationship is that you no longer have to waste your energy being angry with someone who isn't going to give you what you need! She probably needed to rant and get it all out, but it can become a habit, as can feeling sorry for yourself.

Agree with her- yes, it's hard work being a single parent, but millions of women manage it, it beats living with a git, and she has lots going for her. So what's her plan for how things get better? And what kind of single parent does she want to be? Bitter is optional.
Does she have successful lone parent friends/ role models who she would listen to if 'you wouldn't understand'?

NoodleOodle · 04/08/2014 22:37

Could you be honest and let her know that her constant offloading on you is draining you and negatively impacting on the friendship. I think it's fair enough if she's still in an emotional stage where all she can do is rant but, it is also fair that you can only give give give so much in a friendship before the dynamic needs to change. Perhaps if she were able to talk to a therapist, the two of you could enjoy a more lighthearted friendship, which would be better for both of you.

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