AIBU - people on here who allude to things over and over - please just stop it!

[TurningOver]

I can't be the only one who has noticed others who post, often in the hope of some sympathy (rather than advice, as this tends to be ignored), who allude to 'things going on', but who never specify what 'it' is.

They then use this 'thing' to justify their stance, and you can't have a proper discussion about anything because 'the thing' is always brought up, an an attempt to silence any criticism or dispute.

It drives me mad! It is just attention-seeking, which I guess reflects a need some people have, but don't post inviting comments on your situation and then bat everything anyone says away using 'the thing' as your reason for ehy you are as you are/that solution won't work etc.

Oh, and as for people who make out that something terrible has happened to them, when you know it has but in a more minor way than they are making out, who use that as a way of preventing anyone reasoning or criticising them. Sooo frustrating! I want to call them on it, but can imagine the 'woe is me' result. Get a grip please and have some respect for people who really have been through the mill.

It's not something I've noticed much.

I agree with a lot of what you've just said but I'd also add that 'through the mill' is particularly subjective . . .

And who are you to judge what is major or minor to them ?
Just saying .....

It doesnt matter how 'big' or how 'small' your problem is but whether YOU (not others) can cope or not.

I remember a thread about a poster who was scared to sleep alone and her dh was away. I wanted to say 'get agrip' because thats not a problem to me. But then the more i read i realized that the OP has never lived alone in her life and many other posters in same situation.
I was an eye opener to me.
Also you dont know the root of the problem, people here can not write their biography and their childhood/experiences.

I have done exactly what you are describing.

My reasons? To protect my child's identity, and because I didn't want to jeopardise an ongoing investigation and court case by sharing specifics. Attention seeking was not one of my reasons.

If you are that intent on knowing the details, they are under another username: you can do an advanced search for 'Three Broken One Gutted' (with no spaces between the words). I hope nothing similar ever happens to you or your child.

This is quite a weird choice of topic for a first post. Or did you delurk or name change just to say this?

Ah, just name changed - been here about 8 years, hence my annoyance. There are a couple of people who do what I am describing a lot.

I am obviously not explaining myself very well - I am not 'getting at' peope who withhold details which might 'out them'; not am I criticising people who post for support - that is what this site is for in part.

No, what I find annoying is people who have for YEARS on here banged on about their 'stuff going on', who use it as a way to throw back the well-intentioned and very gracious support and advice that others offer. Along the lines of 'well, you don't understand, because I have 'stuff going on' when given very good but perhaps hard to take advice, but then continuing to post about their mysterious situation hoping for sympathy, but batting off anyone who suggests something they don't want to do.

The other point is separate. From being here so long I know quite a few people's 'stories'. Some of these have changed over time, where they now state as fact something which is not true. Fine, aside from when they post on threads with people who genuinely have been through the bad thing, and attempt to garner sympathy. It is disrespectful to those that have had the crappy thing happen to them. I do wonder if they have convinced themsleves - rewritten history - but I wish they would stop piggybacking on other's difficulties.

TheFirst. Think you just did it again.
I personally dislike the "hope nothing similar happens to you or your child" comment. Do you normally wish horrors on people then?
Perhaps it just comes across badly on a forum.

I haven't noticed this going on allot i must say. And i browse AIBU and Rships most days.

On occasion there are threads about ongoing issues. Often the OP will allude to previous troubles and many posters remember their story.

9.5 times out of 10 there is a genuinely gut wrenching tale going onwhen past threads and situations are alluded to, or a story so long it would be very hard to do justice to 'in a nutshell'. Off the top of my head i can think of a DV victim poster, an OP with issues regarding child abuse and an OP who has such appalling time at the hands of her MIL that i'm amazed she's still sane.

These people deserve the support they get from posters who 'know' the back story. It may mean that some readers are 'out of the loop', but MN isn't just about entertainment.

Not noticed as much on here but see it a lot on facebook. Have hidden the worst offenders.

Think you just did it again.

Yep, and will continue to do so, for the reasons I explained above.

Sorry if the last sentence of my comment was misinterpreted. It was meant as 'I'm pleased for you that your life has never got so complicated that you have had to do this.'

X posted with you OP. But i stand by what i said really. I'm surprised that you, as a long timer, feel so strongly about this.

Nope fluffyraggies you aren't getting it, sorry. It is not about a 'back story' that is too long to go into, it is about posters going on about an undisclosed, but often-referred to 'back story', which 'explains everything' and is used to garner sympathy while simultaneously rejecting the help and support offered.

I hate seeng people (often those newer to MN) spend lots of time and emotional energy offering support to people who have no intention of even listening, who use their 'thing' as the reason why.

Ah ok now i see what you mean. I agree i have seen it few times but i think there is usually a mh issue and thats why the poster is stuck and cant take yhe advice?

Regarding your second post i think that you mean very serious stuff but it does piss me off on financial matters i.e someone is homeless with not a penny and someone will always come and say 'you can cope, we coped when we did our 50k extension and we didnt have cooking facilities and it felt like we were homeless' hmm. Or 'i know poverty , i once ate baked beans when i was student'.
But i think you mean stuff like illness and grief?

Difficult to know whether you're BU or not without knowing exactly what you're referring to.

Mysterious references like 'you will know about my situation with inlaws' (er, no, I may not, link the bloody thread) are a bit annoying.

I do think people can be a bit quick to assume everyone knows their backstory. I've been flamed before for asking what I thought was a reasonable question, only to find that the OP's situation was well-known to other posters and I'd said something insensitive. That said, TBH, I was mildly irritated whereas she might've been really upset if no-one had jumped in to tell me there was a backstory, so really, it's not easy either way.

But when someone just wants to let everyone know the situation isn't simple, I don't know what else they're meant to do?

OP, your subsequent comment explains it much better. I now understand what you're talking about, and I have seen people who do this. I think they are just a bit needy for whatever reason.

Sorry I got a bit defensive! I'm normally the one giving out the sympathy, and when we experienced a clustercrap of tragedy, I became a bit worried about continuing to open up to people, because I (irrationally) thought that people could only give a finite amount of sympathy, and that I might have used up my allocation. (I did say it was irrational). So I'm a bit oversensitive at the moment. Sorry again.

Lacquitar - yes you may well be right re the MN health issues. I know some people do 'get stuck'. But in a way, posting on MN just enables their being stuck, as people time and time again offer support and kindness and that justifies their misery, while at the same time they rebuff all attempts to actually help (while crying 'woe is me' if anyone points this is out to them 'well, you can't possibly understand because you haven't had 'the thing' to deal with'...).

I don't think AIBU by being annoyed by it. It is frustrating . Bah!

Oh, no need to apologise TFOHN .
I post on here about personal things, and I name change for it. That way I can lay it all out (so if I am asking for help, people know as much as possible), but not have it connected to anything else I might have said.

I am happy to offer sympathy and help where I can - aside for people who lie or go all secret squirrel when called up on their refusal to do anything despite years of useful advice

Oh indeed. Having something bad happen to you doesn't make you beyond reproach.

In any case, if you truly had something bad happen, then you need to take into account it might be coloring your viewpoint and you should adjust accordingly. People that truly have PTSD are taught in therapy that they need to change how they think because they're still in survival mode.

But taking it a step further, I hate how people hide behind something like that to get righteously outraged and give their suffering a cause. More importantly, it just makes the people that really have gone through that look ridiculous.

Maybe I'm just tired of people wanting to feel righteously outraged. Being "offended" doesn't make you right, experiencing something terrible doesn't make you beyond reproach.

But MN is a special brand of hysteria on even the best of days anyway. I have had to learn that trying to reason with them is a lost cause.

Yes Turtles! I agree with your first sentence. And your last, and the stuff in the middle .

The MN community has so much to give and offer people who need support. It is lessened by people who abuse the generosity so freely given by making stuff up to get sympathy or who play the 'you can't possibly understand' card when they hear things they don't like.

And, peace