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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my dad needs to learn some boundaries...

27 replies

Bean89 · 04/08/2014 12:39

My dad owns the house we live in, it was bought for us with the intention that we would rent it for about 3 years, he would save the rent money and we would then use that as a deposit to buy from him. So that being said, he is technically the landlord and thus has a key to the house. He also looks after our dog from time to time so he needs access.

The problem is that he feels he can pop in whenever he likes. He never knocks and I have a 3 week old baby that I'm breastfeeding so my tits are out 97% of the time (FTM). I also really want to be able to sit on the sofa with no pants on because my stitches hurt. He tells me I should change the channel if he doesn't like what I'm watching, questions me on why I haven't been out for a walk that day, why I'm still in my pyjamas, who these boxers belong to (my OH, whom I have lived with for a year), goes through my post or any paperwork I have on the table, comes in the middle of the night to check we've put the bins out etc etc. He even brought a 12 year old lad in that I'd never seen before the other day and plonked him in my living room while I'm breastfeeding whilst he went to 'look at the fridge'.

The other day he fitted an external post box for us, the kind you need a key to get into which we were really grateful for, but then he took one of the keys for it. So me and my OH only have one key between us. When I asked DF why he needed it he just said 'Your OH will just have to get one cut, it's not difficult.'

I always ramble in these, so really what I'm saying is that given that he is both my landlord and DF, does he have any right to this kind of behaviour? And why the flip does he need access to our post?!

OP posts:

Thumbcat · 04/08/2014 12:43

He has no right to do this, either as your father or your landlord. You either need to be assertive or find somewhere else to live.

IScreamForIceCream · 04/08/2014 12:44

Do you have a formal tenancy agreement with him?

Tbh, I think this is what comes from getting favours - ie living there 'rent free' - as he will feel more than a landlord.

It is right? No. Does he have the right? Depends what you agreed.

You really need to talk to him.

Vitalstatistix · 04/08/2014 12:44

because he doesn't see you as separate from him. He doesn't see your home as your private space and he thinks that he has the right to control things as he sees fit.

Sometimes things that seem great (basically living rent free for 3 years and paying into a savings account ) come with massive MASSIVE strings - this is the string.

You can tell him to back off, and see if he withdraws his offer to save the rent money and give it back to you. You can move out and make your way without the leg up he is promising you. You can change locks. You can keep the key in the door. etc etc.

I suppose it depends what he is likely to do if you tell him to back off and whether you are willing to detach and make your own way if he says ok, no deposit, market rent, and I'm not selling.

He may not. He may apologise and back off. Or you may be of the opinion that it's worth struggling financially in order to be independent from him.

What do you think is best for you to do? What is your partner's view on it all?

CleanLinesSharpEdges · 04/08/2014 12:45

He has no right to do this.

However, I think you need to move house.

showtunesgirl · 04/08/2014 12:45

Get a proper tenancy agreement drawn up which will include the usual clause that he can't drop in unannounced.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 04/08/2014 12:45

He's acting like an arse who thinks it's his right to do whatever he wants because it's currently his house.

Where does the money go from your rent, do you know for a fact it's being saved up?

mupperoon · 04/08/2014 12:48

Poor you - and with a 3 week old! Of course your dad doesn't have a right to this behaviour. If he were your legal landlord (I don't know whether you have any sort of contract in place) he wouldn't be allowed to walk in like this.

If my parents had a key to my house I would still expect them to ask before inviting themselves in, and they would no longer be welcome if they interfered or criticised my way of life incessantly. I certainly wouldn't put up with random 12 year old boys being brought round (what's that all about?)

Sounds to me like you need to formalise your financial arrangement with him and also have a difficult conversation about boundaries.

Middleagedmotheroftwo · 04/08/2014 12:49

He doesnt have any "right" as such to enter your house without your permission, but he is your Dad too. Most people, including my Mum wander in and out of our house without knocking, or give only a cursory knock and then come in anyway. It's how we like it.

Parents are usually concerned about their kids, no matter how old they are. I your Dad is checking that you and the baby have, for example, got enough fresh air, then that's better than being ignored by him, surely?

People of a certain age also think that as "visitors" it's polite to let them watch what's on TV etc.

You could perhaps ask your Dad to shout his arrival as you're likely to be bfing, and tell him that it bothers you, even if it doesn't bother him. Tell him you'd like time to "make yoursef decent" before he walks in on you.

Perhaps I'm from a family that is a bit freer than your with having people round and about in my house, but IMO, you're making a mountain out of a molehill.

magpiegin · 04/08/2014 12:50

It's a tough one. Do you have a formal agreement?

You are effectively living there rent free as you'll be using the 'rent' you're paying as deposit so I would be reluctant to rock the boat too much as he is clearly doing you a huge favour. I would be worried about upsetting him and him taking the offer away.

Pheonixisrising · 04/08/2014 13:04

Can't you tell him not to just walk in ?

FurryDogMother · 04/08/2014 13:04

My Dad used to wander into my flat when he felt like it (he had a key 'cos he walked our dog). I solved the issue by keeping the chain on the door when I was in (for securty, Dad).

Original poster

Bean89 · 04/08/2014 13:07

Some good points!

The thing is, my dad is a lovely man but he's not very...socially aware for want of a better word. He's often described as eccentric and he's that crazy family member everyone always tells stories about. So I know that he's not doing it as a power trip or just because he's a dick, but it also makes it difficult because I genuinely don't think he understands why there may be an issue.

I'm generally pretty comfortable with my family about, my mum has a key but she always knocks and she doesn't impose herself like my dad does. The thing with the tv channels drives me mad because he just drops in unannounced when I'm knackered and trying to watch some trashy tv and tells me to change it to something more intellectual!

I told him he needs to knock before he comes in, so now he knocks whilst he's opening the door. Baby steps.

OP posts:

NCISaddict · 04/08/2014 13:11

Get a bolt or a chain put on the door and use it all the time when you're in. Presumably he doesn't need to look after the dog when you're there so you can just say you prefer it for security now you've got a baby.

Vitalstatistix · 04/08/2014 13:11

fit a chain?

wowfudge · 04/08/2014 13:14

Can you speak to your mum about it in that case?

Tell him you need - and want - privacy and he's not allowing you that.

I would change the locks if I were you, it's not a big job.

SouthernComforts · 04/08/2014 13:14

Practically, can you put a bolt on the door(s) so he can'tg get in with a key whilst you are in, but he can still gain entry if there was a problem whilst you were away etc?

Long term i'd be rethinking the whole agreement. Are you 100% sure he is saving your rent money?

PlacidApricots · 04/08/2014 13:20

Put a chain on the door and have a word. It is not acceptable.

PlacidApricots · 04/08/2014 13:20

Put a chain on the door and have a word. It is not acceptable.

PlacidApricots · 04/08/2014 13:21

Sorry didn't mean to double post.

Serenitysutton · 04/08/2014 13:27

There is no point in a formal agreement- this isn't a formal arrangement, it's him helping you buy his house. All you can do is speak to him and ask for privacy. I totally agree that this is the string. But you can still try and manage it through speaking to him, not through paperwork.

HappySeaTurtles · 04/08/2014 13:33

Yep, dead bolts and curtains for starters.

We're living in FIL's house, rent free atm since he's not using it. He tried doing the random pop by thing. Once I was sleeping while he blared his car horn for me to go out to meet him. I thought he was our obnoxious neighbors so I ignored him. When he called my cell I gave him a call back later and explained I wasn't expecting anyone.

Yes, you need to set boundaries. I have a FIL that if you give him any small amount of slack, he acts like he owns your time.

If your FIL is truly unaware that he's being obnoxious, he'll stop. But if he continues, then it is a power trip for him. But either way, I'd talk to him about it.

Original poster

Bean89 · 04/08/2014 13:36

We're 100% sure he's saving the rent money. He's done this for both of my siblings too. Plus he's you know...a decent person.

I think the bolt idea is a good one actually. We really don't want to move for various reasons and as someone stated, there's no point in getting a formal agreement for an informal arrangement. And he wouldn't listen to it. You know if you go to the theatre and even though there's a big announcement saying 'No photography', there's always that one guy with their phone out in the pitch black? That's my dad. But again, when you pull him up on it he doesn't get what he's done wrong at all.

OP posts:

Vitalstatistix · 04/08/2014 13:40

So if you were to say to him look dad, I know you don't understand why it is a big deal to me, but it is and I am telling you that it is and I am asking you please, to do this for me. You don't need to understand or agree with my feelings, but you love me and I love you and this really matters to me, so please, just do it...

he would ignore you because he just doesn't get it?

If he's a good guy, and you spelled it out like that - why wouldn't he change what he is doing?

You don't need to feel what someone feels to accept that they feel it and it's real. You don't need to agree that someone's pov is reasonable to respect that they have it and do something that matters to them because it matters to them.

So just tell him. He's a decent person you say, so he'll change because you are asking him to.

ElizabethArdenGreenTeax · 04/08/2014 13:43

my dad is a bit like this. he does loads of jobs for me, and I'm grateful, but some of the jobs he does, I haven't asked him to do. I would be afraid to have a man back to the house in case my dad popped in with a bag of compost or some grouting.

Original poster

Bean89 · 04/08/2014 13:59

Vitalstatistix- I'm sure if I put it like that I would, but there's something about my dad that inspires the moody teenager in me. 'God sake dad just leave me alone!'

Bless him a lot of the time he is popping round to do something 'helpful', but when I've got mastitis and thrush in both boobs and my newborn decides she wants to cluster feed for 11 hours I just don't see it that way!

OP posts:

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