AIBU to not want to live together when we're having a baby

[nomoredisneyprincesses]

Usually lurk on here but could do with some advice...
DP and I have found out we're expecting a baby. Unplanned. We both have children from previous relationships (3 between us) and each have our own homes. We have been together a couple of years.
As it stands atm we have about 2 nights a week apart and 5 nights a week together. We stay at each others houses with kids in tow depending on the night and kids all get on well (apart from the ones that are actually siblings obviously!).
I absolutely love my partner, we can talk for hours, trust each other absolutely and bring out confidence in each other, but I have absolutely no desire to live with him! Absolutely nothing to do with him, its about me wanting my independence and space. I like doing my own thing and have an active social life when my dc is at their dads. My partner feels similar. We also live 30 mins away from each other and are both reluctant to move due to schools and dc access to other parents (who would make things difficult).
My plan is when the baby arrives we will carry on in the same situation as now. Details to be worked out but I figure as we spend 5 nights a week with the baby together and then have a night alone with it each (meaning other parent can have a break, I fancy the idea of having a "me" night at the gym or seeing friends as selfish as I know that sounds). Finances and baby equipment not an issue.
Is this a completely crazy idea? A lot of people have commented that baby would be confused as it gets older but I think there are so many different types of families nowardays and the kids always get used to it.

Hey, if it works why worry?

I don't see why not, you both sound sensible and have a set-up that works for your and your families. And I don't see why the baby would be confused if it's how it's always been for him/her.

As you aren't married I don't know if it might be worth getting any legal advice?

I think it's each to their own. It sounds like a total nightmare to me ferrying the baby around from house to house and will be expensive to provide everything for baby twice over, but if it works for you and you like the sound of it then thats ok...
But as your child gets older, your child and his/her friends will start to ask why mum and dad don't live together, so make sure you have answers prepared.
Like I say it absolutely wouldn't work for me/us, but if you all like the sound of it then im sure you and your family to make it work.

Whatever works for you. In theory, it seems crazy to uproot 3 other children for the sake of one and force adults into cohabiting where they have no desire to do so.
On the other hand, I can't help feeling that it does seem unfair somehow to put the "split life" onto a child who doesn't necessarily have to live it.

I don't know. It's not an easy one, but tbh if you, your partner and your existing children don't want to be together / move, then it seems like the only solution.

Why couldn't you go to the gym if you were living together.

It sounds like a lot of hassle and expense for very little. You're not exactly going to be an independent woman-about-town when you have a small baby anyway.

TBH I think this is about you not wanting the responsibility of having a child at home full-time. I do understand this (older DDs have a diff. dad that they go and stay with which is blessed relief) but I think after choosing to bring three children into the world it's time to grow up a bit.

porkpie the ferrying stuff around does worry me. We have each been offered perfectly good furniture/storage for baby stuff by people as well as baby stuff tokeep at our own homes which will help. We're both very calm people which I guess works in our favour.

Sounds like you've thought it through and this is the right solution for you and your DP. I guess just keep an open mind and if things get tough then you can reconsider. Congratulations

I would have loved this situation! I love my kids but sometimes feel a bit claustrophobic when DH is here too.

I BFed all my babies though, so my DP would not have been having the baby overnight by himself until baby was well over 12 months.

If it works for you, why not! I would think it would be relatively easy with a baby, but will become much more difficult as your child reaches school age. Helena B-C and Tim Burton have this arrangement but there's a reason they live next door to each other!

saucyjack definitely not a responsibility thing. Ill admit the night off sounds appealing but not directly related to the decision. I already go to the gym 3 times a week when my partner is lookibg after his/my/both oyr kids or when my dc are at their dads and I return the favour so he can do his thing as well. I would be looking after baby six nights a week still and during the day as dp works until I return to work so im hardly losing out on any respinsibilty.
in terms of independence, I take pride in been able to afford my own home and lifestyle. I have a preschooler and a full time job so im hardly pleasing myself all the time.

You're gonna be spending 5 nights together anyway. It's not much of a difference. I would even go for 3 nights together, with 2 nights off, sounds like bliss!

I reckon it could work, it'd be all the best bits of being divorced (less housework, more me time) without the acrimony because you're still together.

Although you'd have to think about breastfeeding and be 100% respectful of each other's parenting styles.

good luck OP!

Responsibility nonsense btw! OP is hardly shirking her duties by wanting to go down the gym and having some time off.

Besides she's worked hard enough to be able to afford the situation. Good on her. If DP is happy then why not?

Yes the school age bit is the bit which concerns me more than the initial stage and I do think that will be the stage where we need to reconsider the situation mostly due to distance. However our other dcs will be older by then and situation with exs might have changed (they might have moved away, different contact arrangements etc). We might have to see how situations change as time passes.

I personally don't fancy the early baby bit without another adult on hand, I found it totally exhausting ...

My partner feels similar

Well, in that case, of course you aren't being unreasonable.

Sounds great, you can always rethink further down the line if it's not working.

I have a friend with two houses and it works well if you can afford two of everything.

Ha, me too OP! DH and I had a trial separation, as of Jan 2013 when the dcs and I moved out. We've been seeing each other on and off this year, and surprise, I'm now 10weeks pregnant. We've committed to trying hard to make it work as a marriage, but neither of us are keen for him to move in! Currently dcs with ne 5nights, him 2, but recently he's been round several nights, and it has all got very blurred. Everyone is happy, and I see no reason to change it.

Do whatever works, yanbu.

I think it's a bit odd to be honest and suggests a lack of commitment. If the reasons are financial then that's also wrong. As a couple with a baby together, you should be living in one house.

My partner and I have separate houses and I'm expecting - planned in our case.

I won't go into the full details as to why as it is quite boring but my DS is settled in school and has another three years to go and we didn't want to leave it too late to TTC. If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

are you sure your both want to bring a new person into the world?

I think you should play it all by ear and remain flexible.