To be so sad?

[Stopthelightsnow]

Please help mumsnetters. I need a good kick up the backside.

It was my birthday on Saturday - not a significant birthday just another year older. We are very busy at the moment. We are having an extension built so are in the middle of chaos and painting. So I wasn't expecting very much by way of a celebration.

No sign of the dds in the morning. Dh brought me a cup of tea and then got started on the painting. Dd1got up late and then announced she was off to the cinema with her friends. Dd2 got up and offered a card from the birthday box. Dh gave me a necklace which I had spotted in the January sales. And that was it. I got on with the painting and tidying and spent the whole day working. At about 7/7.30 Dh asks if I want to go out for a bite to eat. I asked him if he had booked anywhere and he said no. I was covered in paint and didn't want to get scrubbed up by then so I said no, we'll eat at home. So we did, and then I went to bed.

So am I being unreasonable for feeling so sad that nobody bothered to make any effort or put themselves out at all? It's not that I wanted much - we have a garden full of flowers but none were picked and we have cupboards full of ingredients but no-one made a cake - even a cupcake..

This has been a really tough year. I started a new job which has proved very stressful and I took on extra work in March so we could afford a holiday. I've been working 12 hour days without a day off since may so am feeling absolutely worn out. Please help me get some perspective on this. Btw My birthday has never been a big deal. As an august child I got used to quiet birthdays as everyone is usually away. You'd think after 47 years it wouldn't bother me, and normally it doesn't, but this year it has. I don't know why I am so upset this time.

i would be gutted and i would make sure that everyone knew

I would be sad too. I am sorry OP.

Oh, and

Yanbu to be sad but if usually no big deal is being made if a birthday you can't expect anything else. I'm actually impressed your dh got you a necklace and at least you got a card. You could have opted for a nice take away if you didn't want to go out. I think us mums need to take things into our own hands if we want something special, My family are utterley useless but they ie kids and dh are not bothered by birthdays. Kids like to receive money or gift. Happy birthday for yesterday.

I would be sad too. Can you tell them in a non-guilt-trip way?

Some people really don't like a fuss as they get older and the birthdays keep coming, but even if you didnt want a fuss you wanted to be spoilt a little and have the day recognised. I think you are not bring unreasonable to be upset.

However with many blokes you do have to be clear how you would like to celebrate and get proactive about it.

I would be upset too. Imagine if you did the same to them on their birthdays, do you think they would be ok with it? We don't do big celebrations for birthdays, but I still get them presents and cake. Even with grown children..and they would be upset if I didn't. I'm an August baby too, and parties were never part of my birthdays, but I get miffed if they don't at least get me a card

I would be upset too

A belated happy birthday for Saturday

The necklace thing actually sounds quite thoughtful if it's been bought and hidden for months.

Make a cake today and then scoff it all yourself.

I think you are being a little bit unreasonable, although I can see why. DD1 was out of order, as from what you have said she totally ignored your birthday, so YANBU to be upset with her. DD2, maybe a little too, as a small present wouldn't have killed her, but your DH got you a thoughtful present, and offered to take you out to dinner. You chose not to go. It sounds like you are shattered and need some TLC though, birthday or not.

I'd be absolutely raging at my eldest daughter for not getting me a card. Tbh I'd be alright about everything else, your husband brought you some tea, a present and asked if you wanted to go out for something to eat - albeit a bit late in the day.

I don't get the cake thing at all, but I know that's just me, I'm not that into cake, I don't get my husband a cake for his birthday and he doesn't get me one.

I can understand why you feel sad and it is a bit pathetic that no one bothered to make any fuss at all (breakfast in bed wouldn't have put anyone out too much I'm sure.)

Next year I think you will have to give them a few weeks notice and let them know that you'd like to go out for a meal (or something similar) and that after the damp squib of last year you'd appreciate it if they made the effort to come. They should take that hint!

Sorry you had a rubbish birthday :(

Thank you all for your kind replies. I'm crying again now . I did take myself off yesterday and did some things I wanted to do. It was a nice day out but I was by myself - so I still felt sad. It was the lack of any thought on Saturday that really got to me. I spend so much of my time looking after them, cooking, cleaning, taxiing, helping with homework.. All the things every mum does. A flower from the garden and a cup of tea and some help with the housework would have made a big difference.

How would your dd feel if you swanned out on her
birthday I dont think it was much to ask for a happy birthday

OP

What do they usually all do on your birthday? Has it always been like this? Have you kicked up a fuss about feeling neglected on your b.day before? Do you drop hints about what you'd like to happen? Is your DH usually more romantic?

Just trying to get a feel for the situation.

Just to be fair to dd1 she did get me a card and some m and s vouchers when she was in town and put them under my pillow next day.

Your DH made you tea ,bought you a necklace ( that you liked) and offered to take you out to eat - doesn't sound too bad to me particularly if you don't normally make a big deal out of birthdays .

Yanbu, sorry you had to spend it like that. Your kids sound very selfish, I would be very hurt about that. How are birthdays usually celebrated in your house? If it's treated like no big deal then maybe it's understandable how they behaved.
In my house, it's made a big deal of with kids and adults. From little they would 'save' their pocket money to get something or secretly with DH or me try to find out what I like, then plan something. Also whoever birthday it is, the day revolved around them, things the birthday person likes to do etc. They just learnt their parents are important too.
I would let them know how you feel, your kids need to understand how selfish they've been.

They never make a fuss about my birthday. They know it makes me a bit sad but I usually shrug it off. It is an awkward time. We are usually travelling or packing or having work done on the house. It doesn't normally upset me too much but it has this year.

You sound absolutely knackered , stop with all the lifts, cooking, cleaning. Why are you doing everything? < I'm saying it nicely>. You need to have a look at everything that needs done in the house, every day jobs then divide them up. If you're eldest is old enough to lie in, and go to the cinema with her friends, she can take her turn cooking and cleaning. Same with your younger child.

You haven't had a day off since May, you're dead on your feet. I'd be tempted to scale down the family holiday and do something for myself. Nothing is more debilitating than exhaustion and underappreciation.

I get it. I think you need to say something. Sounds a bit like your DDs are at that really self-absorbed age, so that they haven't actively not bothered, it's more that they hadn't even really thought about your birthday. There's a fine line, and I perhaps haven't quite expressed it right, but that kind of teenage thoughtlessness is almost literally that - not "they don't care" but they haven't even got as far as having the thought in order to then dismiss it.

So how about designating one day this week or next weekend as your catch-up birthday? Kind of a "we were so busy with the house it feels like I didn't even get a birthday". Prompt DH to suggest that they might like to pick a posy of flowers for the table, bake a cake for you, just some small personal token. Sometimes you need to actually spell it out at this age.

I think your sadness is from feeling unappreciated, and the birthday has just crystallized it. As you feel let down by DH too, might be worth saying that you feel sad, you've been caught by surprise with how you feel, and he could do with a bit more appreciation generally.

I think you're right wigglesrock. I am knackered and need to get them to help out more.

You need to say, "It's my birthday and I expect a fuss made of me. I want you to choose a restaurant and book it and I want a thoughtful gift."

Agree with wiggles that this is a symptom of the other members of the household not pitching in long-term.

Definitely listen to your own sadness to start making changes there.

But don't underestimate how many practical tasks might need spelling out, especially if they've got used to you effectively doing it all.

Maybe I have low standards but a necklace and being asked to go out for something to eat would make me very happy on my birthday.

You shouldn't have had to do loads of jobs perhaps but you could have made the decision not to.

You should've gone out for your meal, you'd have enjoyed it and would've felt happier about the day.