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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not want all the junk

26 replies

hollycomputer · 03/08/2014 19:46

Over the last few years, several members of DH's family have had big clear outs of their houses. The problem is they seem to think that we want all the stuff they don't want. Much of it has been kitchen items, ornaments, just general bits and pieces. None of it is family heirlooms or anything we would need or use. Sometimes I ask my friends or family if they want it instead but they don't usually.

Our house isn't that big, we genuinely don't have room and I really don't want all their crap but he feels guilty and ends up accepting stuff after I've said no which makes me cross. Even when I say to them 'sorry, we have no space', they somehow manage to push it on us anyway.

Am I being really unreasonable here? If I say no he gets a bit stroppy and martyred. I've suggested charity shops but they behave as though I'm trying to give away the family silver.

OP posts:

annielouise · 03/08/2014 19:48

Just get tough - tell them "Thanks, that's kind of you to think of us, but we have everything we need, honestly, and we're also short of space." Repeat as necessary and stick to your guns.

SuburbanRhonda · 03/08/2014 19:51

Can you really not just say, "Thanks for the offer, but we have no space for any more stuff. Could you take it to the charity shop instead?"

Picklepest · 03/08/2014 19:51

Or just charity shop it? He accepts and you say great our local shop is dying for this type of crap!

Simples

Vitalstatistix · 03/08/2014 19:55

If the stuff meant that much to them, they'd keep it in their own homes.

Do your own house clear out and pass all your unwanted items to them and then pull that emotionally manipulative bullshit when they object.

tbh, I would just lug it straight down to the charity shop.

Your home is your home and not their dumping ground and why the hell should they get the nice, uncluttered homes and fill your place up with their crap?

If they want to keep it, tell them to either put it in their attic or hire a storage unit.

I think some people don't want stuff, but hate the idea of getting rid of stuff. But that's not your problem.

MrsWinnibago · 03/08/2014 20:02

OOH YANBU! My sister used to do this. She'd fill my Mum's boot with three binbags of her DDs clothes for my DDs and they were 90% holey or stained!

They were basically using me as a recycling centre!

Eventually I said to my Mum "Please don't bring them to me anymore." as my sis never offered them to me in person, I was never there to refuse! My Mum was not happy about this as she felt it might offend so she accepts them and takes them to the recycling place!

MummaB1014 · 03/08/2014 20:02

Car boot! Then put the money towards a family meal or BBQ. When they ask what it's it aid of tell them that while you appreciate that they think of you guys when having a clear out, you don't have the space so you thought a nice family memory might benefit you all better than the unwanted stuff! X

YellowYoYoYam · 03/08/2014 20:03

My MIL did this when she moved abroad out of her massive 5 bedroom house. DH and I were living in tiny one bedroom flat at the time and DH had to go abroad for two months with his work. He left, PIL left and I was left with a mountain of boxes of crap to sort through - it filled my whole living room! To start with I tried to think if I might use it, filled our tiny shed and crammed stuff under the bed and in cupboards. Then it dawned on me that she was on the other side of the world and would never check what I'd done and DH didn't care, so I started ruthlessly chucking stuff.

MIL is back in this country now and every year or so will arrive with several boxes or bin bags of crap that she claims belongs to DH. I now realise that she just can't bring herself to throw things away and we are helping her by just smiling and accepting it, then throwing it away or donating it to charity without telling her. She never asks what becomes of the bags and boxes she gives us.

Maybe your relatives just can't bear to actually chuck stuff and by discreetly doing so you would be doing them a favour?

Lucked · 03/08/2014 20:04

I would do your own clear out and ask if anyone is after anything, they will likely say no and then you have a green light to charity shop it. Font except anything else, be firm

I have a similar problem I think my fil thinks he is going to die soon as every time he visits he brings crap he has cleared out, this includes clothes which don't fit and shoes etc. My DH can't say no, tbh they are a sentimental family who never throw anything out or replace anything which is done. I have taken to shoving it on the back of a wardrobe and charity shopping it after six months.

Original poster

hollycomputer · 03/08/2014 20:10

I totally agree. The problem is that they ask both of us, I say no, then they thrust it on DH when I'm not around. He's usually very good and doesn't like clutter either but has a bit of a blind spot when it comes to things from family.

One of the relatives is gearing up for a big clear out ahead of moving house to a smaller property and she got a load of stuff from DH's grandparents when they died. She's already tried foisting some things onto us which I said no to, and fortunately she didn't have an opportunity to ask DH.

It just irritates me that they're so pushy with it. I did wonder if I was being really unreasonable about it but I see MN wisdom says I'm not!

OP posts:

ElephantsNeverForgive · 03/08/2014 20:11

If it's saleable selling it and treating them to a meal sounds a great idea, in theory. However, you do have to be sure that they won't get huffy and that discreetly selling or charity shopping and hoping they don't notice isn't a safer option.

I have glasses and embroidered table clothes inherited from DMIL that I really, really don't want. One day I will have to broach getting rid, with DH. I'm sure DSIL has enough stuff, she took most of DFILs 100's (literally) of books

Original poster

hollycomputer · 03/08/2014 20:13

YellowYoYoYam yes I think this is exactly it.

MummaB1014 Car boot sounds like a good idea if some unplanned stuff does come our way.

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EthicalPickle · 03/08/2014 20:16

Even when I say to them 'sorry, we have no space', they somehow manage to push it on us anyway

. This bit baffles me. What do they actually do? Post it through your letterbox?

doziedoozie · 03/08/2014 20:19

I was given some bedding by a friend in ohh, about 1988, then again a now ex sil gave me some quite nice duvet covers in ohh, about 1992.

But sadly this stuff is still cluttering my linen cupboard, I've never ever actually used it on a regular basis, but, there is nothing at all wrong with it. Cotton polyester never wears out. So it just clutters shelves for ever more.

My DS's GF left a few towels with me last visit, they obviously didn't want them but rather than dump them and feel wasteful they left them with me.

I am having a complete clear out next week - it all goes to the recycling dumpster and I will refuse any more 'gifts'.

HoneyTits · 03/08/2014 20:22

My nana is terrible for passing shite onto my dm. She goes to car boots or charity shops and buys the most horrible ornaments and trinkets that she probably likes but doesn't actually want for her own house. I keep telling dm to say thanks but no thanks but she can't bring herself to.

I hate it when do goes to his dm's because he sometimes comes back with a bag or two of crap. No df I don't want you to accept a manky teasmaid from the 1980's just because your late df used it by the bed or old school books. Just chuck the fuckers fgs!

Original poster

hollycomputer · 03/08/2014 20:22

ElephantsNeverForgive Oh, I feel your pain! We got a shit load of home embroidered napkins/tablecloths from another relative which were made by someone's great aunt at sunday school in 1957 or something and have 'Jesus loves you' type motifs all over them. Those were one of the items that I refused but ILs pushed onto DH when I wasn't around on the basis that we could 'pass them onto our children'. This is despite the fact his entire family know we aren't having kids.

OP posts:

Original poster

hollycomputer · 03/08/2014 20:23

EthicalPickle They wait till I'm not around and prevail on DH who is much nicer than me!

OP posts:

Gileswithachainsaw · 03/08/2014 20:23

Oh I know what you mean.

I always feel obliged to accept as it's always meant with kindness and I do really appreciate the thought behind it all but I just don't have the space for it and then feel guilty fir binning it

NormHonal · 03/08/2014 20:28

YANBU...but....

Just a word of warning. We were "given" some old furniture we didn't ask for and didn't want by family and as soon as we could afford new, which was only a few months later, we sold the stuff they gave us and donated the money to a charity we knew they supported.

The reaction was incredible. This was stuff they didn't want. They gave to us. Sick children benefitted from the money from selling it. But apparently we had somehow, somewhere done something wrong.

Original poster

hollycomputer · 03/08/2014 21:51

Ooh NormHonal I had something slightly similar - a few years ago we got 'given' some truly awful china (think Christmas themed but in a really tacky way) in one of these clear outs. I gave it to Oxfam and all hell broke loose.

OP posts:

deakymom · 03/08/2014 22:09

we have a small house we get bought gifts which are way too large so we get rid of them to the charity shop we also get bought gifts which really are useless like a four man tent when im pregnant with baby number three i have a 14 year old girl and a 5 year old boy they expected them to sleep in together (really someone is going to die if that happens) and us to shoehorn the baby in somewhere we never used it so we got rid of that too one day they are going to realise the loft is not going to hold every gift they have ever bought us! even when they give us money to buy what we want they like to dictate what we like and tell us to buy it unfortunately we live in a free flowing house of buy sell and trade items we trade games when we are finished same as phones dvds and everything else they personally like to keep everything or keep it in someone elses house! im going for a slightly more minimalist home this year lets see how it goes!

cleanasawhistle · 03/08/2014 23:30

When my MILs auntie died the family were clearing out her very large house.There must have been about 12 dining room chairs and my MIL asked if we wanted them.I said no thanks we have a 6 seater dinning room table with matching chairs.
She said yes I know but you can have the chairs and dot them around the house in different rooms.I said no I'm sorry but I don't want to do that.
She huffed...as usual.

Fluffyears · 04/08/2014 10:09

When I moved in with do he had wedding crockery of his parents in cupboards because they didn't have space but didn't want rid of it. When we left that house and phoned them to ask what they wanted done with it they said to takeout with us!!! Erm no we have less cupboard space in new

Fluffyears · 04/08/2014 10:11

Oops trigger finger-place (miss my three huge walk in cupboards). They weren't pleased but we aren't a storage depot.

MIL works in a charity shop and buys all types of shite and tries to foist it on us I just say no.

BauerTime · 04/08/2014 10:32

I hate 'stuff' full stop. DH's family are all total hoarders and have multiples of everything that you could possibly imagine. Its great on occasion for example i mentioned to one aunt that we wanted a butterfly type table and she had one she has never used, complete with chairs and all we had to do was collect it. Saved us a couple of hundred quid.

But on the flip-side they also presume to know what we want and/or need and sometimes just turn up with it and often we end up accepting out of politeness. Then these things hang around the house for a while (i have very strict rules about what goes in my loft as the thought of emptying it if we move fills me with dread) and then i either pass on or take to the charity shop.

If anyone ever asks where x is or if we still have it i say its in the loft and that seems to be the best approach for us. DH is ok with this though and TBH if he wasn't id still get rid of stuff as he wouldn't remember anyway!

MarchEliza · 04/08/2014 10:43

My mother used to visit her mother several times a week and it was rare if she escaped without something to take away. Like you it was not of sentimental value - just that Nana didn't want it anymore.

Mum had a very strict policy of accepting everything with a smile and a thank you and dropping it off to the charity shop on the way home.

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