AIBU to think it'll be tough but I can do it?

[h0peful]

It's a wedding one I'm afraid! Please keep reading (my essay) though as I'm really keen to hear your views.

I'm 3 months pregnant with my second (DS is 2.4). I've been asked to be bridesmaid for a close friend. Wedding is next year and the baby will be 10-12 weeks old and I'll be breastfeeding. It's a no-children-allowed wedding in the midlands (the bride's family village but we all now live down south) and so I think we'll be going on Thursday and staying until Sunday. There will also be a hen weekend (about a two hour drive from home) three or four weeks earlier.

How can I do the hen weekend and wedding properly with a new-ish born? I desperately want to make my friend feel special, to be there for her, to fulfill my bridesmaid duties and to have a great time - just like she did for me at my wedding. I'm the first of our group to have kids (and no other bridesmaids have dc) so my friend doesn't understand the need-to-have-the-close feeling and all the other issues you have with a new baby (as I didn't before I had kids). But she's lovely and won't want things to be unduly hard for me but she has always she didn't want children at her wedding and I knew this before accepting bridesmaid role.

For the wedding I thought I'd ask my MIL to come with us and stay at the venue (big house in the countryside) so she can look after the baby and I'll pop in to feed (and will try and express a couple of feeds). I'm sure my friend wouldn't mind the baby being around a bit on the Friday and Sunday. I thought I could let my son have a weekend with my family (they'd all love this I'm sure). So although I think it would be tough I think the wedding should be OK. AIBU? Do you experienced ladies have any tips?

The hen weekend is playing on my mind, though. The baby will be 6-8 weeks old. My friend wants a night out on Friday, an adventure activity on Saturday day (something like coasteering - not even sure I'll be physically able to do that 6 weeks post-birth?!) and another night out on Saturday. Not sure whether it'll be a cottage or hotel. If it's a hotel, I'm thinking of bringing my husband to look after baby - he's very chilled out and would be happy walking around, going to museums with baby etc. But I'm not sure what to do if it's a cottage (I'm not sure anyone would be comfortable with my husband and baby staying with us). Can anyone make any suggestions? It's not an option for the baby not to be close. And I don't want to put my friend in a difficult position by asking to take the baby with me on the hen do, which I know she wouldn't want.

AIBU to want to have the best of both worlds- to be there for my baby and friend? I'd be so grateful for ideas and issues/suggestions I haven't considered.

To be perfectly honest I would back out of being a bridesmaid duties. You have no idea how you will be feeling after the birth.. there's just no way to predict.

Do you have to do everything on the hen weekend? Could you and hubby maybe stay up that way overnight but you only participate in one of the hen do days? Or just go out on the Saturday night for example. I think something adventurous would be a little too ambitious 6 weeks post birth but I have no children so I cannot relate!
AS someone with no children though, if a friend was trying this hard to celebrate with me on both weekends, so soon after birth, I would be happy with seeing them just for an hour. Id just be honoured that they were making it at all! I'd probably be pissed off if you said you couldn't come because of a 4 year old, but a tiny baby is totally different.

Over the last few years all my close friends have got married and had kids. There is always someone pregnant or breast feeding. When it comes to hen parties we always have an afternoon starting party at someone's house, so people can bring kids and put them to bed when needed and if in the early days can come for a few hours and go home. Doesn't cost much and bride can have big hen party doing whatever she wants on another day too.

Sorry, but this is likely to be very hard. I would back out of the hen thing altogether. If your mum is willing to do as you suggest, you could try it but don't expect it to go to plan. Mine were feeding more or less constantly at that age. I am also of the view that babies of that age get a comfort from the breastfeeding mother that only she can provide. Worth a go for the wedding itself, as long as you are open-minded and realise you may miss the majority if it. You are unlikely to enjoy it much, worrying about your baby I fear too.

I think you should be an ordinary guest. That way you can make the decision how much of the wedding you can do nearer the time.

i think this will be a nightmare

I would explain, apologise, buy her and back out.

Could you rent a nearby cottage for the wedding? Gives you freedom to chill when you need to and your MIL can look after baby during the wedding.

For the hen, I'd maybe just do one evening or day activity, not stay over. Or maybe skip the hen and take the bride out for afternoon tea as a treat for Just the two of you. Even do it before the baby is due?

Although she and the other bridesmaids don't have DC, they'll probably understand that your family situation is different to theirs.

Does the bride know you're pregnant? Maybe your tiny babe-in-arms will be welcomed at the wedding?

If your friend has expectations of a bridesmaid who can help with planning etc, I don't think you will be able to.
And you may miss huge chunks of the weddings even if your mum is there, if your baby needs feeding just as the official photos (bridesmaids needed) are starting, would you feel comfortable either leaving your new baby to cry or ditching the photos? The meal? Etc
I think your intentions are admirable, but probably best to have a chat with your friend, explain your intention to bf, cluster feeding etc and suggest she might be better with you as a normal guest

Well it's your second DC so you'll have some idea about it all.

In my opinion you can make the wedding work if your MIL can help out but the hen night/weekend doesn't sound do-able.

I will give some thought to pulling out but I really don't want to unless I can't see any other option. I could definitely back out of some of the hen weekend. I know she'd be fine with me just coming to dinner on Friday, sitting out the coasteering and just coming out for a few hours on Saturday.

I also realise I'm being quite optimistic about birth and breastfeeding but I was lucky to have good experiences with both with my first so I'm hopeful it'll be the same with the second. I do remember my first night out with my first, though - he was 6 weeks and we went to our best friend's 30th for four hours. By the end I'd leaked through my pads, bra, dress and coat! Not glam at all!!

Yes she does know I'm pregnant, TheHouseatWhoCorner, but has already said baby not welcome, sadly (in a nice way and she also suggested my MIL stay at the house).

Renting a close-by cottage for wedding is very good idea- I'll look into that immediately.

I'm going to go against the grain here and say you can do it ( if you still want to, nearer the time.) It will be tiring, and you might want to sit out some of the more vigorous hen things, but I've done similar when DS2 was 6 weeks old. You sound very level headed and seem as though you've thought it all through. IMHO it will be one of those things where you do it, have a good time, and then afterwards think "what was I so worried about?"

Having said all of that, I would just have a chat with the bride and say "All being well, I'll be fine, but if I don't have an easy birth/baby, I might need to step back a bit. Will that be OK." Then she can be prepared. Congratulations on your pregnancy, btw.

You sound like a brilliant friend. Hopefully she will appreciate that and change her mind nearer the time about the baby being present? I think you have some fab suggestions on here and I am confident you can make it work!

I was a bridesmaid when my DS was 4 weeks old. It was fine, but I remember nothing about the day, I was so exhausted! I expressed in advance so that feeding wasn't completely dependent on me, which allowed me to nip out and express at strategic moments when it wouldn't impact on the proceedings. The wedding was fully child friendly, and only 10 miles from home, which helped.

The hen do was when I was 34 weeks pregnant, I participated in everything except for drinking as it was a craft theme rather than physical activity.

Thanks, Lizzie. I plan to have that exact conversation with my friend. I know she'll understand me taking a step back if birth or baby are difficult. Yes, I anticipate being exhausted! And with no option to drink coffee in vast quantities! But it will be worth it if she has a great day and I'm really excited to be part of it.

And thank you, MissDuke! Maybe she will change her mind but I doubt it, and that's her decision which completely respect.