To think that some men really need to ask more questions on dates?

[Summerbreezer]

This is part AIBU/part rant.

Am currently dating around and enjoying life. I have met several men who are very nice and I've had a good time.

The problem is that in nearly every case, the conversation pattern is:

1. I ask him question about himself
2. He answers.
3. I respond and volunteer some information about myself.

And repeat.

It isn't that these are self-absorbed people - after I have told them something, they seem to remember it (e.g. I had a text wishing me luck in a job interview after i had volunteered that information in a conversation about his career.) I do think they genuinely care. It just doesn't occur to them to ask.

My dad is the same. Questions are functional in nature - do you want a lift? rather than How was your day? But he will always remember how my day was when I tell him of my own motion.

I suppose I am wondering whether it is just the type of men I am going out with, or whether that particular part of a man's brain is wired to be crap at asking interesting questions? Or is it a massive red flag?

It's not just men who are like that; many women are, too.

Maybe you should stop at 2 and pause, to see whether he asks a question.

Personally, I'd write off someone who didn't ask questions and show an interest.

There is a fine line between interest and interrogation!

I don't think it's a man thing, some people are just more natural conversationalists, others are shyer, unsurer or just not willing to put in the effort. When dating, if you get someone like you've mentioned above then it soon becomes apparent what one they are.

Could it also be that you aren't giving them enough time to think and ask? If you have very long pauses then it's pretty obvious they aren't helping keep the conversation going but if 30 seconds doesn't go by before you start getting the conversation going again, well it could be you aren't giving them time.

Yeah, I don't always ask questions, and I am genuinely interested in a person. I just assume that if a person wanted me to know, they'd tell me. I never know the fine line between asking for more information and being insensitive and prying.

When I went on dates, I would say a bit about myself and then they would say a bit about themselves relating to the topic. You just share experiences. Asking questions is a good icebreaker, but it shouldn't be a question every other sentence or it just gets weird.

It would be a red flag for me. DP is a journo. He's good at asking questions and is generally interested in people. It means he's great in any social situation and I love that.

My dad asks no questions and knows buggar all about me or anyone else as a result, my mum gets very frustrated with him. My BILs are the same. Wouldn't make me happy.

This takes me back.

I'm paraphrasing this conversation, but it's pretty faithful.

At the end of a second date with a man I wasn't sure I really liked, but I thought I'd give another go because I was going through a dry spell, he told me that he quite liked me: 'even though your conversational skills are quite lacking. I find that surprising, given that you ask questions in your professional life and I told you a number of interesting things about myself, such as being in the Territorial Army, for one, that you didn't pick up on.' .

I'm surprised he didn't give me a score-sheet or at least hold up cards. It wasn't the done thing back then to ask for feedback after an interview, but if it was, that was what it felt like, except I didn't ask.

I was too stunned to say anything - even to comment adversely on his use of the Apprentice Myself about 20 years before the programme started - which was no doubt a further black mark against my conversational skills.

He drove me home. I briefly snogged him outside my door - it seemed the polite thing to do but I now realise I was suffering PTSD - but I didn't invite him in. Funny, that.

Three days later he phoned for another date. I said an ex-boyfriend had recently been released from prison, had hot-footed it from Strangeways to propose and consequently I was off the market.

He believed it and told me I was making a mistake. I suppose I should take that as him taking an interest in my life.

Anyway OP I never used to ask lots of questions on dates - that may be because I am socially-impaired.

It's been a while, but I seem to remember conversations flowing at random. I'd be put off by someone who asked me lots of questions, rather than taking an interest in someone taking an interest in something I said and then chipping in.

My Dad is like this. He's a good person, but it annoys me greatly. I see it as quite rude, amongst other things.

My DH, on the other hand, is a natural-born chatterer, happily asks questions and bonds with people well as a result.

chipshop I'm a journalist too. I don't ask people loads of questions in social situations precisely because it feels like work. I don't feel the need to perform. If they say something interesting, I respond with something I hope is also interesting because that's what conversations are.

That's also my interviewing technique - give or take the things I need to know. At the end of professional interviews some people have said they were nervous about meeting me but that the meeting was: 'just like a conversation.'

To my mind, that's how an interview should be. Unless it's a police one under caution.

Another who doesn't like the 20 questions approach here. I don't like asking them, or being asked - that is interrogation, not conversation to me. Questions, and their answers, are generally dull. A flowing debate is rarely dull. But I am definitely socially eccentric, so my word is far from being law on such matters.

The last man I dated (we made it to 7 dates...) did talk a lot about himself and 'lectured' me on all kinds of things. He was older than me and quite patronising in a way.
When I spoke and showed that I had some knowledge on the subjects he was expounding on, well he didn't seem to like it much.

Another man I dated (only once) talked about himself all night without much pause for breath.. I realised after nearly 4 hours that he knew not much about me at all but I knew his entire life history!

Personally I am quite shy and don't like to talk about myself so maybe it's partly my fault?

I don't ask a lot of questions (unless with my proper friends, I interrogate them!) as I'd hate people to think I was prying.

My late husband took me out, on our first date, to a Grrek restaurant. Conversation flowed & we were the last to leave at 01:30. It wasn't until some years later that I realised he was "interviewing" me for the position of wife!