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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Help with female in laws and my daughter

25 replies

Mrschow · 01/08/2014 22:42

I have a 6 year old DD and 3 sisters in law, and I feel very insecure about my relationship with DD when they are around.

Though DD is only 6, she definitely must sense this and she is usually very rude and very defiant towards me in front of them. Ie, if I go to touch or stroke her hair, cuddle her, she will brush me off. If I tell her to do something, she will answer back and very rudely!

This obviously just serves to make me feel even more insecure when they are around, but I don't know how to resolve it. DD is clearly 'showing off' or just playing up to the feelings she is sensing. Meanwhile my sister in laws have gossiped in the past about how DD and I are not 'close' and don't have the best relationship.

I am so scared about how this will play out in DD's teenage years. Will she just reject me and go to them for advice, etc?

OP posts:

KnittedJimmyChoos · 01/08/2014 22:48

Mrs chow, I think you have real concerns there.

How are your SIL, are they the type to be rude about you etc...do you feel they are trying to undermine you?

Do you reprimand her when she is rude to you>

I have had same issues with my usually 99.9% wonderful polite, loving gorgeous DD, comes back from even a short visit with in laws, hard, cold, and horrible and rude to ME.

I know MIl and Sils strongly dislike me and that they would not think twice about being rude about me etc....we cut visits right down, but even a few hours has efffect.

KnittedJimmyChoos · 01/08/2014 22:49

I don't think in any way shape or form you should let her know you feel undermined, children want someone to feel in charge of them, so they feel secure.

Glasshammer · 01/08/2014 22:52

I would cut back on visits too. Prewarn her before the visit if she's rude, she won't be going to xx but if she's good she can xx

Glasshammer · 01/08/2014 22:52

Also time out for rudeness

Glasshammer · 01/08/2014 22:54

Or the first time she is rude warn her, the second time take her home.

ClairDeLoon · 01/08/2014 22:55

Yes cut back on visits. I used to be like this when I had enforced contact with my dad and his family. I'd go home after a few hours and be horrible to my mum and especially my stepdad. Imagine how horrible it must feel for your DD too, she won't know whether she's coming or going.

KnittedJimmyChoos · 01/08/2014 22:56

claire do you know why you were like this? were you un happy with your dad? did they slag your mother off?

Nicola19 · 01/08/2014 22:57

My DD used to do this at that age, it's very hurtful and embarassing! It was always in front of my friends. All I can say is that she is nearly eight now and doesn't seem to do it anymore. I think it's quite normal for mums and daughters.

Nicola19 · 01/08/2014 22:58

MimiSunshine · 01/08/2014 22:59

Firstly I think she is acting up and showing off as you say because she knows she has a receptive audience. I get they smile or laugh at her behaviour, she is obviously finding some firm of positive reinforcement.

Secondly, what is about your SIL that makes you feel insecure, what are you deep down worried about?
Do you think they are cooler, more fun, relaxed, better dressed? I'm not saying any of its true but I think you're project ting your insecurity onto your daughters behaviour and second guessing your parenting because of it.

You need to parent her in any way you normal would and if they comment, trot out the you don't know / forgotten what it's like to have a 6 year old.
Next time they comment you're not close, just respond with "at least I know you haven't bugged our house if your basing your opinion on this short visit, hahahahahahahaha" big smilie face.

AgentZigzag · 01/08/2014 23:00

Like you say, she's just showing off. Call her on it 'DD, stop showing off and do as I ask please'. Keep calm, be firm and repeat a few times. Warn her beforehand that if she plays you up you'll leave, give her one warning before doing as you've said.

It's unfortunate that they've gossiped about your relationship with your DD because it could actually be good for her to have aunties to call on if she needs advice/support when she's older, something you might be glad of if she starts playing you up. Could the gossiping be genuine concern about you both?

I would pick the battles with her while you're visiting, just don't stroke her hair or cuddle her? Maybe it is annoying or embarrassing for her? That's OK though, it doesn't say anything about the love she has for you, which you can absolutely rely on regardless of what she says or does

Original poster

Mrschow · 01/08/2014 23:01

I do always reprimand her if she is rude or naughty to me in front of them. But this only makes me feel I am highlighting to my in laws that DD and I do not get on well.

I have history with all my female in laws, they gossip about me behind my back and and very two faced. They are always lovely to me in person but over the years I have come to know their true feelings. All sister in laws are older than me and have yet to marry or have children, so there is some jealousy there.

What makes me feel sad, and the thing I think I need to get to the bottom of here, is if my DD senses that sister in laws do not like me, why is she playing up to that and showing them that she is also going to be rude to me? Why is she not more loyal to her Mum?!

DD and I do have a good relationship. I am obviously the person who disciplines her too though, and she is going through a particularly 'teenage' type phase at the moment where she is answering back and moaning about almost everything. Ie, why I can't I have my friends round every single day, why can't I have 2 toys from the toy shop and not just one', etc etc.

OP posts:

Suefla62 · 01/08/2014 23:08

When she starts with the why's that's the time to bring out the old stand by "because I said so, that's why"

KnittedJimmyChoos · 01/08/2014 23:09

mRS C HOw often do you see them, she see them

Original poster

Mrschow · 01/08/2014 23:10

Yes, Claire do you know why you were like this?

I don't feel my SIL's are cooler or funnier etc, I feel quite confident in my skin and have a job that would be seen as very 'cool' to a 6 year old girl so it's not that. I also take DD on lots of days out alone and with friends so she sees I am not just boring mummy.

SIL's do try and encourage DD to be like them though, so they do things like buy DD clothes in their style (quite distinctive!), and encourage her to want to follow in their footsteps career wise.

My mother and sister died. That's a raw wound for me. It was many many years ago but I feel vulnerable around other females who have that close family bond. It's highlighted more around my in laws because I am not treated as a 'blood relation'. They would never admit that but it's something I am aware of and feel.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mrschow · 01/08/2014 23:11

We see them about twice a month, but sometimes not for a few months and then might see them every week end for 3 weeks. We live about half an hour from each other.

OP posts:

KnittedJimmyChoos · 01/08/2014 23:12

Is she left alone with them or is she like this when all together just mucking round..with you there too>

Original poster

Mrschow · 01/08/2014 23:13

I do make a point of telling her not to show off or answer back just because her aunties are around, I tell her before we see them. It never has any impact though. She knows she can get away with anything with them. They will never/have never disciplined her or told her off.

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 01/08/2014 23:14

If they're going to gossip about you anyway then just act as you would do at home.

I would say your DD probably isn't picking up on any tensions between you and them, but she'd definitely pick up (and exploit for all it's worth) any chances she has to get away with even the smallest thing

Let any whining wash over you, 'fraid it'll probably be a fair few years until that phase calms the fuck down, best not to take it too seriously, and definitely don't think that it's a reflection of your relationship with her.

Just because they've said something doesn't mean it's true. If you don't value their opinion on other things then don't on this either.

Original poster

Mrschow · 01/08/2014 23:16

We are 90% all together. She does have little convos with them when I have gone off to another room.

In a nutshell I think I am paranoid that her aunties sent to be closer to her than I am. Because it's unlikely they'll have children of their own (because of their ages and no relationships).

OP posts:

alleypalley · 01/08/2014 23:16

Whilst without the sil aspect, my dd can do the show-offy behavior sometimes. When she is clearly showing off to the crowd, first I'll pull her aside and have a word in her ear about her behaviour, if that doesn't sink in though I will clearly say, in front of them, (the crowd she is showing off to) 'dd stop showing off, I have already told you and unless you want (already pre-mentioned punishment) please do as you are asked'.

I'll admit, I'm not above embarrassing my dd's in public though. But I'd rather that than being the ineffectual parent saying, 'please don't do that', for the umpteenth time.

Original poster

Mrschow · 01/08/2014 23:16

Aunties want to be closer to her not sent!

OP posts:

KnittedJimmyChoos · 01/08/2014 23:20

All of the above advice, but do cut down visits for a while....listen to her, be with her, not doing things at her....looking after her, make sure you really listen to her when speaks...cut down on visits and bribe her too!

If your good on this visit you will get a magazine etc!

Be ready to challenge the aunts if any thing un savoury is said and make sure they know your the boss, and she is your daughter and you have final say.

KnittedJimmyChoos · 01/08/2014 23:22

dont underestimate them either, I have heard aunts - mine bitching about the outsider sil, married to the brother all their lives...luckily they lived abroad and couldt affect dc...but its like a coven of witches. dont underestimate them.

AgentZigzag · 01/08/2014 23:23

I would let them get on with it then, just pulling her up on things if she goes too OTT or doesn't do as she's asked.

It sounds like the relationship the DC can have with grandparents, a bit spoilt, doing things they're not allowed at home, having adults on tap who will pay you attention etc.

You can either embrace it (unless you think they'll say negative things about you to her?) and be glad she can have close relationships with her family, or don't visit them at all?

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