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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to forgive my dh this time?

25 replies

madamabutterfly · 01/08/2014 19:34

Background-dh has had issues with alcohol the entire 20 years we have been together. With hindsight I should have never have stayed with him but now we have 3 dcs so a different story. We have had problems before when dh has been in sole charge of dcs and has been drinking. Not falling down drunk but I can tell he has had a few iyswim? A

Anyway last weekend it happened agsin-I was out with a friend and we bumped into dh and dcs. I could tell he had been drinking and asked him to take kids home. I got home a couple of hours later and it transpired that he had taken kids for a curry and drunk beer and whisky. I went mental,told him he was a drunk,a disgrace and to leave but he refused to.

We have literally not spoken two words since. Atmosphere is horrible and dcs asking if we getting divorced. Before anyone asks why I don't leave-am sahm and he also financially abusive. He has hone out for his birthday with his parents,will come home drunk and just expect things to go back to normal.sorry this so long but needed to rant!!

OP posts:
Namechangearoonie123 · 01/08/2014 19:40

It depends what you mean 'had a few' and the ages of your children.

Are you saying you don't want him to drink at all when he's with the children.

I'm unsure whether you think this or if he's abusing alcohol.

Namechangearoonie123 · 01/08/2014 19:41

Missed the last bit

Who cares about the drinking, if he's abusive it's over surely. You deserve more Smile

phantomnamechanger · 01/08/2014 19:43

was he driving when he was out drinking/having a curry?

ONE drink when in charge of kids is one thing, regular drinking of several drinks is a problem. Driving is an absolute red flag!

Squeegle · 01/08/2014 19:44

Well, is it about forgiveness? Or is it about what's best for you and the DCs?

He doesn't sound like he's good for you or them. Have you any options? Is there anywhere else you can go? From personal experience, living with a drinker is no way for kids to grow up.

Original poster
madamabutterfly · 01/08/2014 19:48

I am not talking a couple of beers here. Dh idea of drinking moderately is 6/7 beers and a few double whisky's. Tbf he has cut down-he used to drink a crate of beer and a bottle of whisky every weekend!!

He went to AA for a period but never stopped drinking completely but cut down a lot for him.

Dh does not believe he is financially abusive. As far as he is concerned I have a cushy life as he pays all bills.

I would like him to leave as I have no where to go with 3 dcs but he refuses and I know he would be horrible about money for dcs too.

OP posts:
Original poster
madamabutterfly · 01/08/2014 19:49

No he was not driving.

OP posts:
Squeegle · 01/08/2014 19:50

I'm sorry you are experiencing this. Do you have any RL support? Have you tried al anon?

Original poster
madamabutterfly · 01/08/2014 19:52

He does not even think he has done anything wrong and thinks I am the unreasonable one! Has not tried to apologise or anything at all this week. We are also going on holiday on Monday and can't cancel as dcs would be gutted.

OP posts:
Original poster
madamabutterfly · 01/08/2014 19:55

No I have heard of al-anon but never been. Can you speak to someone on the phone? I have anxiety which makes it difficult to be in large groups of people. Tbh I am embaressed that I didn't leave him years ago. My family and friends dislike him too. I am just too scared too.

OP posts:
PumpkinPie2013 · 01/08/2014 19:57

Doesn't sound like a good situation at all OP Sad

It sounds like he drinks a lot and is abusive which isn't good for you or your dc and you deserve better.

Do you have any family OP? Can they offer you any help? Even just somewhere temporary to stay?

Can you contact Women's Aid for some advice and support? Also look into what you could claim if you were alone with your dc (housing benefit etc)?

Perhaps just looking at the options will help you to feel you could leave if you want to?

You mention your husband's parents - are they aware of his drinking? Do you get on with them enough to talk to them about it?

Best wishes OP x

MyPrettyToes · 01/08/2014 19:58

Gosh, OP. That sounds horrible for you and your children.

First I would move this post to the relationship board where there are lots of posters who will give you excellent advice.

Then when you are back from your holiday make an appointment and speak to a solicitor.

Speak to Women's Aid. They can help you find your way through this.

It may seem impossible now but remember lots of women (many who have shared their stories on MN) have been through what you are going through and have managed to get out.

Do you have family you can lean on? Parents, siblings?

20 years is too long. You and your dc deserve a happier life.

Squeegle · 01/08/2014 20:03

I know what you mean re embarrassment- but please don't be embarrassed.
I never went to al anon, but I know lots of people got good support there. I think if you look them up you should be able to talk to someone. I got a lot of support on a website called sober recovery. They have forums and there is one for friends and family of alcoholics. It helps you to understand what you can change (yourself and your attitude), and what you can't (them)! It gave me some courage to change things.

Don't be hard on yourself. It's not easy when you're a mum, and you have someone who is undermining you. It isn't you though; it's him. How can I guess that from the little you have said? I think there are a lot of common traits in those who drink to excess, and let's just say I recognise a few already!

Original poster
madamabutterfly · 01/08/2014 20:03

At a push my mum would put us up but I really don't want to go down that route as we were nc for 4 years and she still pushes my buttons a lot. His parents enable his drinking imo-when he briefly went to AA they promised to support us but it was bollocks. His mum doesn't like me because I told her we were no longer going for dinner every week. Hence why I am not invited out for the birthday stuff tonight!!

I would feel a fraud taking up women's aid time when he is not physically abusive.

OP posts:
AskBasil · 01/08/2014 20:09

Women's Aid will not think you are a fraud.

FFS LTB. A horrible abusive drunk is not someone you or your children deserve to live with. The damage he is doing your DC's is immense.

Go and see a solicitor. This is your family home, you are married, why on earth should you and your DC's leave? Throw him out instead.

And do speak to Al Anon.

Original poster
madamabutterfly · 01/08/2014 20:09

Thank you Squeegle-I will look into that forum and also al-anon in my area. I did have some counselling for other issues but dh refuses to do do-he believes mental illness is a sign of weakness.Even though I have been on anti-d's before. Twat.

OP posts:
Original poster
madamabutterfly · 01/08/2014 20:13

The dcs ironically adore him-he is the fun parent because only really spends time with them at weekend. My eldest has already said he would want to stay with him and this breaks my heart.

I have asked him to leave and he won't-he believes as he pays the mortgage that it is HIS house solely. Ironically he is a solicitor!! I have pointed out to him that I would be entitled to half house/maintenance etc and he was furious.

OP posts:
Squeegle · 01/08/2014 20:18

He does sound a bit of a twatSmile

Yes, get some proper advice. The fact is that generally DCs don't know what is good for them (how old are they)? My ex was also the fun one. He was also the angry and I dependable one. His constant insults and "you're no fun" type comments didn't really hit the mark in the end. I knew I would be more fun the further I was from him.

Squeegle · 01/08/2014 20:19

Sorry that should have read "the undependable one"

MyPrettyToes · 01/08/2014 20:19

Honestly, the more you write the more horrific he sounds.

You need to speak to people who will be able to advise you on your entitlements. Then you need to start planning. Speak to Women's Aid asap, they will not see you as a fraud. Then start thinking of an exit strategy.

Squeegle · 01/08/2014 20:21

Agree with MyPretty. An exit strategy is needed. It can be a slow burner.

Original poster
madamabutterfly · 01/08/2014 20:22

He is s twat. I feel horrible for saying it but I actually really dislike him as a person now! My dcs are 11,8 and 4. To be fair we rarely argue in front of them and I am ashamed I lost the plot while they were present. I get angry with them to much too and I know its displaced anger.

OP posts:
Eeyore86 · 01/08/2014 20:45

Depending upon where you are in the country there might be other groups around that can offer support to you.

If your in the North East there are some local groups that you could access

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 01/08/2014 20:53

Financial and emotional abuse are real and damaging. Women's Aid are there to help women like you too. Please ring them. Nobody is going to tell you that you have to walk out of the door tomorrow, you need advice and space to work out your options. You can develop a plan that works for you. You deserve a better life than this.

MrsCumbersnatch · 01/08/2014 21:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Catsize · 01/08/2014 21:03

Sorry OP. There is a better life for you all. He is prioritising his drinking over you and the children. That seems to be the bottom line.

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