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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think micromanaging children's friendships, is really odd behaviour...

25 replies

SisterMcKenzie · 01/08/2014 17:48

I don't hang out with other parents, I work so I'm mostly too busy anyway.

Even so to me getting on with other parents is to me just about being friendly and polite.

After all like neighbours or colleagues, we mostly haven't positively chosen to be best buddies.
Like neighbours or colleagues, parents are mostly just thrown together randomly.

Given the above, I find it a little odd that many parents can really get into each others pockets, with lives revolving around each other and school life.

Really odd behaviour imo is when those adults then dictate to the children who they are mates with to the exclusion of children of parents who they aren't "bessie mates" with.

My mum and dad never micromanaged me or my siblings in that way.
I had my own friends.

As long as I wasn't bullied, unhappy etc my parents kept their nose out.

Why can't parents just butt out and leave their kids be?

OP posts:

CoffeeTea103 · 01/08/2014 18:17

Yanbu, you only have to look on here to see this is a big issue for a lot of people I also think everyone is off after drop off, busy to do something, who has the time for long chats at the gate.
I managed my own friendships, my kids will too. So far it's working out fine.

Original poster

SisterMcKenzie · 01/08/2014 18:34

Blimey no ones so far admitting this behaviour!!!!

OP posts:

Original poster

SisterMcKenzie · 01/08/2014 18:35

Thanks Coffee

OP posts:

DamnIWishIWasYourLover · 01/08/2014 18:36

There is a group of mums at my DCs school who were all at school together themselves and their kids generally never mix with other children, only others from their circle. I think it's a shame for the children as they are all like security blankets to each other, and are all becoming as tight knit as their mums are.

I wouldn't want to micromanage my childrens' friendships and just leave them to get on with it!

takeiteasybuttakeit · 01/08/2014 18:42

well...I think if you click with your dc's friends' parents it can be really nice, you develop new friendships and can go on outings/have get togethers with them and the kids. It is a PITA if your kids don't get on with your friends kids as it sometimes excludes being able to hang out together as families. SO I think yab sortof u. Especially when kids are little and get on with most people, if they spend time with other families when everyone gets on, they'll naturally be better friends with the kids of those families...

LilyandGinger · 01/08/2014 18:43

Well, I don't always do the school run but I do have people I've made friends with and sometimes we organise whole family activites but my DC are of course free to make friends with whoever they like.

I do generally try to get to know their friends parents so I know whose house I'm sending them to etc.

I'm not on the PTA but I volunteer at fetes etc if I can. It's good to be part of the school community and show support for school life.

I don't know anyone who micromanages their children in this way tbh.

Gumnast2014 · 01/08/2014 18:48

Oh god you described me!

I was badly bullied and don't want the same for my dd and do get over involved and should butt out.

It's all my stuff but yanbu I totally am

Original poster

SisterMcKenzie · 01/08/2014 18:50

I don't know anyone who micromanages their children in this way tbh.

Really?

OP posts:

Bunbaker · 01/08/2014 18:51

"I find it a little odd that many parents can really get into each others pockets, with lives revolving around each other and school life."

I don't. We were new to the area and live hundreds of miles away from our families. I made friends with DD's best friend's mum and she and I are still best friends even though DD and her friend no longer see much of each other. They haven't fallen out, but are interested in different things.

I am pretty friendly with another mum of one of her friends as well, but I don't mange DD's social life at all. I leave it up to her.

Original poster

SisterMcKenzie · 01/08/2014 19:06

Finding new friends in odd unexpected places is a blessing, especially if you have the time to develop the new friendship.

OP posts:

Mintyy · 01/08/2014 19:09

I'm always open to meeting new people and potentially making friends with them. Occasionally these have turned out to be the parents of my dc's friends and classmates. How nice!

HeyN0nny · 01/08/2014 19:10

Um, depends on the age of the children, I guess. My DC1 is only just 5, I'd be accused of negligence if I left her to 'manage her own friendships', decide where to go and with whom, not check out the parents, etc. Of course I organise things for her, otherwise she wouldn't see her friends outside of school. I don't decide with whom she can be friends, tbh I don't know anybody at all who behaves in that way. I do, however, ask her who she plays with at school, who she'd like to invite home, and then seek out the parents. I haven't yet met a parent I dislike but if my gut feeling was to intensely dislike or worse, distrust, a child's parent then no, I probably wouldn't encourage the friendship or at least not at their house.

As for my 2yo, if the fact that he plays with the children of my friends (or more likely, the siblings of DC1’s friends) is 'micromanaging' then yes, guilty as charged. What do you do, OP, chuck your toddler into a soft play and tell him to go and make his own friends?!

It's all age-relevant though. If my DC were 12 and 10, then I would not expect or want to be as involved. I very much hope that by the time they're that age, I will not have to pretend to drink endless cups of tea or wander around the house flapping my arms pretending to be a fairy, either!

Maryz · 01/08/2014 19:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

arethereanyleftatall · 01/08/2014 19:14

Yabu

HeyN0nny · 01/08/2014 19:18

By the way, I have made lots of new friends since DC1 started school, amongst the parents of her classmates. Some of them are the parents of her friends, some aren't. But IME, it would be bloody odd not to have anything in common with anyone you happen to be 'thrown together with' by dint of having chosen to live in the same locality, having DC the same age, having chosen the same school, etc. Being friends with work colleagues is far stranger - I have a lot more in common with the other parents at school than I've had with the majority of people I've worked with. I get on fine with my current colleagues, especially my boss, but wouldn't dream of asking them out for a drink on a Saturday night.

RiverTam · 01/08/2014 19:21

but you work (full-time?) so have a different experience to SAHMs, for example, who may well appreciate the opportunity to extend their own friendships, and hopefully find common ground beyond being parents.

I agree micromanaging their DCs friendships is odd, but I don't see the problem with parents making friends with other parents, if they want to. That's like saying it's weird when people make good friendships at work (which is where the majority of my friendships were made) or uni or anywhere, tbh.

Mintyy · 01/08/2014 19:25

So, if you don't make friends with your neighbours, your colleagues, or other parents at school ... where do all your friends come from op? Have you got speciality interests or something .

Bonsoir · 01/08/2014 19:26

I definitely don't micro-manage my DD's friendships but I have made loads of friends through her school - mostly with people whose DC don't know mine. Primary school is a great place for adults to renew their circle of friends and acquaintances IMO.

thecageisfull · 01/08/2014 19:31

I don't know anyone who does this either. I have 4 dcs in school and I do most of the school runs. There are 120 kids in their classes (roughly) with some overlap for siblings there must be at least 80 sets of parent I know through school. I'm goodish friends with half a dozen and very close with one. Given that I do all the school runs it would be a bit weird if I found no-one I could consider a friend. I will do stuff outside school with or without dcs with friends I've made through school. Some of the kids get on very well and some not so much. I'm not micromanaging anyones friendship, I'm more going to my mates house for a coffee and the kids tag along. I really don't understand the criticism directed towards people who happen to make friends at the school gate.

KERALA1 · 01/08/2014 19:37

How else do you make friends in new area with young children when you work from home? Feel very lucky that we have linked up with 6 like minded families kids similar ages who we socialise with and go on weekends away with. If I had met these people at university or work i would have befriended them then why us meeting at the school gate socially unacceptable? Most of the women work btw not sahm

KERALA1 · 01/08/2014 19:38

Oh and obviously wouldn't micro manage kids friendships but luckily dds 2 best friends daughters of these friends.

museumum · 01/08/2014 19:42

My ds isn't at school yet and when he is he will be left to make his own friends. But we also have "family friends" who are families with children who we hang out with because we like the adults (and they have children of a similar age so we can do things all together at weekends and holidays). Ds will just have to get on with these children. He does nts have to be best friends with them but they need to rub along ok, like cousins or whatever.
I find it off that you "don't hang out with other parents" - do none of your friends have children? Or do you just spend all your time with just your own family.

KERALA1 · 01/08/2014 19:46

Bet op grew up in her area and "already has her friends" great for people like that but some of us move cities occasionally and need a route to meet a variety of new people

IWillOnlyEatBeans · 01/08/2014 19:47

DS1 is starting school is September. I have helped him develop friendships with some of the children at his nursery, as it is something he really struggles with. So he would say 'I really like x'. I then seek out x's mum or granny or dad and arrange to meet up.

To the op this probably looks like I am micro managing his friendships. Whereas I feel like I am giving him support where he needs it.

I think YABU. You probably think I am being unreasonable. At the end of the day, as long as we are both happy and doing the best for our dc - does it matter?!

Balaboosta · 01/08/2014 22:09

Different parents and different children have different ways of doing things. Where's the harm in that? For reasons of my own I enjoy creating a sense of community around my children, which means that I enjoy getting to know the other parents and siblings. This could be construed in the way you say. Judge if you want to.

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