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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Which do you value more for DC table manners or what they eat?

47 replies

sesamej · 01/08/2014 12:17

My DC are very small so not something to be too worried about yet but am interested to know. My DC are very unfussy but we often read at the table, do colouring and I don't mind them eating with their hands (within reason, not soup etc). At the moment I am mostly just so thrilled they'll eat a lot of different stuff as I can't bear it when children turn their noses up at everything (don't want to get into fussiness debate, not judging parents on this etc). But I think my upbringing didn't have much focus on table manners and I do wish I had them a bit more naturally. Don't get me wrong am not disgusting but for example, while I would never talk with food in my mouth it is something I have to remind myself not to do rather than something that comes naturally IYSWIM. I also remember once being absolutely mortified as I used my fingers to take salt out of the salt thing and not a spoon and was told off thoroughly by the parents. And I don't want my children growing up with lots of other parents thinking they are vile.

Obviously I intend to teach them basic table manners but for me I would rather they are eating their spinach with their fingers whilst doing colouring in at the table than sit nicely with knife and fork eating plain pasta and am interested to see how other people view it.

OP posts:

edwardcullensotherwoman · 01/08/2014 16:04

DS (6) is hypermobile so struggles to use cutlery, he will use a fork but if I see he is struggling I tell him he can use his fingers (obviously not for things like soup/jelly/icecream/cereal). DD is still little so will use a mixture of fork and fingers, and I generally feed her anything that requires a spoon.

The table manners that are important to me are sitting nicely in their chair, not getting up and running around, not dropping/throwing food and not eating with mouth open/talking with mouth full. I can't stand children running around in restaurants/cafes, it's distracting and dangerous. I let the children colour/play with small toys at the table, but these have to be put to one side while eating.

At home we have limited dining space so they eat in the lounge at their table and chairs, TV is on but I've never found this impacts on how/what they eat or whether they make a mess.

wheresthelight · 01/08/2014 16:08

Table manners are incredibly important and not just because mn says so. I have had to spend hours teaching dsc's how to use cutlery and to chew with their mouths closed because their mum doesn't believe in them. Dsc's are 11 and 8.5 and their table habits have actually made me want to be sick they were so grim

Toys and tv are a no no for dd (11.5 months) as she is easily distracted - she is still at the smear it everywhere stage but we are starting to introduce a spoon for her to use

Ber2291 · 01/08/2014 16:10

It is interesting hearing the people who are actually answering the question. Opinions on table manners vary so much. I'd rather my DC play with small toys at the table than have TV on when they're eating for example (not knocking you Cullen just saying how things are different). I think that was the point of the thread, to gauge what other parents might think when having DCs over for tea etc. If OP's DC were over at your house would you say wow you've eaten everything on your plate without a complaint not pushing round suspiciously with a fork and refusing, how fab or oh god I had this awful child who came over the other day who brought some toy cars to the table and used his fingers? (or neither if you are not a judgington )

edwardcullensotherwoman · 01/08/2014 16:27

Didn't think it for a second Ber you're right, everyone's opinions are different, and there are so many table manners that everyone has different priorities.

I can't say I'd have any complaints about OP's DCs (unless they were running around my house before everyone had finished

On the subject of what they'll eat though, DS went through a fussy stage and it was awful, he's better now in that he will try things - if a child tries something and genuinely doesn't like it that's fine, but I wouldn't be impressed if they pushed their food around saying they didn't like it before trying any of it.

Adikia · 01/08/2014 17:12

When they were little so long as they ate what I gave them, chewed with their mouths closed and didn't talk with their mouths full I wasn't too fussed about the finer points of table manners, I just introduced everything else slowly, as and when they were ready. I have never allowed toys, colouring books or TV at the table though, not because I think its bad manners but just because my DC get distracted easily enough as it is without providing extra distractions.

DS is 10 and can now be relied on not to embarrass me in a posh restaurant/to have dinner with my grandmother without her moaning which is something I didn't manage until I was an adult DD is 5 and has fairly good table manners apart from she has to be reminded to use her knife rather than cutting things with the side of her fork. Both of them will try any food they are given and will eat most things.

Adikia · 01/08/2014 17:14

Oh and when other peoples kids come round, so long as they chew with their mouths closed I don't judge.

Ber2291 · 01/08/2014 17:19

Genuine question - why is it bad manners to cut something with the side of a fork? (assuming it can be easily cut and therefore won't fly off the plate)

BackforGood · 01/08/2014 17:21

What scaevola said.
Mealtimes is something that's important to me - for the social conventions and the interaction the whole family get together each day. It's just not an option for me to not eat at the table unless it's a buffet for more people than can fit or something. As there's never been 'another option' then it's not an issue to get the dc to sit up at the table and interact politely with each other - they know that's where the food is. It therefore isn't an issue, if that makes sense?
NOt that they are any different from any other children - they've all had their moments over the years of course, but, to me, it's like going out in the car - it's just not an option to not have your seatbelt on. Now other things that some people are very strict on - say bedtimes - I'm much more relaxed about, and that's fine that we all have our own idea of what's non-negotiable and what is.

Capitola · 01/08/2014 17:30

Once old enough, both are equally important.

We have 11/12 year old boys that come over and eat like pigs at a trough.

I turn a blind eye, but it's pretty unpleasant.

Adikia · 01/08/2014 19:27

Ber, I don't actually know, I was always told off for it as a child and never thought to ask why, I think it's just one of those things like not putting your elbows on the table and putting your cutlery neatly on the side of the plate when you are finished.

lljkk · 01/08/2014 19:32

I am not British.
I find the British obsession with table manners quite silly (at best).
I care a lot about the quality of what they eat.

Hakluyt · 01/08/2014 19:41

I've lived in a lot of countries. Never been in one that didn't value table manners. Different sorts of manners - valued nine the less.

plinth · 01/08/2014 19:56

DD3 is 18mo and a fairly unfussy eater.

I'm quite hot generally on table manners. Dd eats with a fork quite well now and doesn't throw food. If she is playing excessively with the food then to me that means she's not hungry and the food is taken away.

She will sometimes be tempted to stick her fingers in the yoghurt pot etc and this is actively discouraged.

I have let her have the tv on before now in an effort to get her eating something, but as she gets older I need to resort to this less and less.

I'm pretty happy about how much and how she eats, but I know I'm lucky that she's pretty relaxed about mealtimes.

HappyAgainOneDay · 01/08/2014 20:15

Thenapoleonofcrime I do agree with fork to mouth rather than mouth to fork. I have, however, to admit that I have recently being eating with mouth to fork but for a good reason. I broke my left arm and couldn't raise it. It was hard enough to cut up food got someone else to do that but to lift the fork up to mouth was impossible. I didn't bend right down to the plate but had to meet the fork fairly low down. There must be others with worse conditions and at least mine is temporary and improving.

Notso · 01/08/2014 20:45

I don't see one as more important. To me they are both parts of the same thing. You serve a wide variety of foods and teach them how to eat it nicely.
I think it's best to start as you mean to go on so there have never been toys at the table once the food is served although I will happily arrange teddies/cars/figures on a nearby shelf to watch us eat.
My 3 year old is just getting to grips with a knife and fork and my 2 year old is learning not to spit out food he tries and doesn't like onto the table.
My older two have very good manners, I think.
DS1 does struggle a bit with a knife and fork he finds it easier to put them in the other hands.
We went for a meal with lots of their friends and their parents recently, about 20 people and my 4 were the only ones who sat at the table through the whole meal, ate without using their fingers and didn't winge if they didn't like something.

VioletHare · 01/08/2014 20:54

Mine are 6 and 4 and both still eat with their fingers (within reason...not anything messy etc). Tbh as long as they're eating good food, at age 6 and 4 I'm not that bothered how it gets in.

Saying that, I do encourage good manners at the table in other ways...no elbows, mouth closed etc. They don't leave the table without asking (even for the toilet) and have to stay put until everyone has finished.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 01/08/2014 21:52

I have surprised myself as i am quite slack about table manners.
I live in hope that there will come a time they just do it right because that is what i do iyswim.
Atm ds leaves the table to kill dragons before he has finished and is still quite messy. I do "remind" him but i have decided not to worry because my table manners are (imho) good and i think he will learn from example.

i never push a particualr food either.
Im lucky, they both eat quite well.
Dd is 18mo so still at the hooligan stage.

My dm would turn pale if she read this. Very very strict about table manners.

DoJo · 01/08/2014 22:27

Table manners are for other people's benefit; nutritious food is for my son's benefit, so I prioritise the food over the manners. Toddlers are made for playing with food and getting messy - IMO there's plenty of time to conform to the (sometimes arbitrary) social conventions of table manners when a child is older.

Marmiteandjamislush · 01/08/2014 22:29

From about 7, I would expect table manners to become more important than what is eaten, as long as there are no medical/developmental issues that make food consumption difficult.

Ber2291 · 02/08/2014 07:30

Isn't it knife and fork together on the plate to show you are finished? Not neatly by side of plate?

cricketballs · 02/08/2014 07:52

I hate poor table manners and have always instilled in both of my DS and DH that no TV, no toys, not leaving the table until finished etc. If my ASD + learning disabilities DS can do it (in fact his assessment report did state that when he belched he said pardon and this was the only social skill he displayed) there is no need for not having manners.

puts hard hat on

londonrach · 02/08/2014 08:07

Depends in age if children. Toddler age and baby age play with finger food but sit on bottom at table with TV off. When no longer finger food try and get use of knifes and forks but eating is more important especially veg. Hopefully by school age eating with knife and fork and sitting on bottom should be done. That's the theory however sometimes leaving frozen to eat seems very hard.... Think its work in progress.

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