To just want my parents to be happy for me

[ShyGirl1001]

Long back story, but I'll try to keep it brief. I love my parents, love spending time with them, and an so grateful for everything they've given me. I can never please them though, I always get criticised for my choices and told I should settle for far less than I'm aiming for, and that I should give up my dreams and work in Tesco.

I'm currently heavily pregnant, and haven't had an easy pregnancy (severe morning sickness for 7 months, can't stand up for 1 min without getting faint, previous health issues flaring up, but thankfully healthy otherwise!) both myself and DH have been through incredibly busy and stressful times at work, a very stressful and drawn out house purchase and a lot of other things going on.

Because of how ill I've been, DH has been a total angel and picked up most the slack of household chores, with me chipping in as and when I've been able. I wouldn't have made it through without his love and support, and I've made every effort to tell and show him how much I appreciate it. I feel so blessed as I know many women who would love to get half as much support from their partners. It's been tough though, not helped by him overworking himself (I just can't get him to stop and leave stuff sometimes), and I'm sure times when I've just been a bit too lazy! We are both aware of our faults and the issues and have talked a lot.

My parents came to stay just a week after we moved house, last min to my mums demands we had to clear out the room we were peeping for a nursery for them to stay in, and she's made it clear we should keep the room setup for them to come visit in the near future (we have a small three bed, we can't afford the luxury of fancy guest rooms). It was hard work getting ready for them, and DH was very busy getting ready for a two week long business trip, so doing a lot of laundry and ironing etc. I knew he was stressed, and that the best thing I could do to help was just leave him to it (it's just the way he works), so I spent most of the time entertaining parents.

I thought the trip had gone well. But a couple of days ago when we saw them again they sat us down and told us that I wasn't doing enough around the house and shouldn't let DH do so much, and that pregnancy isn't an illness. They went on to say 'we know you're working full time, but you will be on maternity leave soon so you can really get your roles sorted out, you need to really watch this stuff in marriage'. They then went in to quizz me if I had depression again and if my spiritual life is in a healthy state.

AIBU to think that DH and I are doing ok? I feel so guilty now that I'm failing him as a wife (been really battling with that feeling for the whole time I've been pregnant cos of how ill I've been). It's been such a tough time, and I don't think DPs realise how hard I've been, trying to keep going at a full time job which for various reasons has been hell for the last year, whilst also working hard part time to set up and establish my own business which I've dreamt about for years. I was so looking forward to maternity leave for a break and rest before baby arrives, and to get everything sorted for her that we haven't been able to do whilst we were getting the house purchase & move sorted out. Now I feel like I'm meant to be at home cooking and cleaning and making sure DH has an easy life. How do I deal with that?

As I'm getting a "religious" vibe, tell them you have left your parents in order to cleave to your spouse and it's none of their business!

Having a first child will be a major upheaval in your roles, it sounds like you are talking about it and taking into account the pressures on each of you, which bodes well for the future. Don't entertain becoming a stepford wife, particularly if you plan to return to work later - roles and responsibilities need to be flexible.

Your parents sound like utter bastards actually.
THEY are being unreasonable. How dare they dictate to you and your husband!
You say you are always trying to please them, stop. Now.
Concentrate on you and your impending family.
If you let them continue to rile you like this it'll only get worse once baby is born.
Best of luck.

Bakingtins - oh my goodness that's spot on! Why didn't I think of that before!!

I have no intention of being a step ford wife, I fully intend to return to work, and moreover make my business successful enough to provide good things for my family.

I can never please them though, I always get criticised for my choices and told I should settle for far less than I'm aiming for

You said it. They are going to criticise you whatever you do. The criticism is inevitable (and unfair). So work on learning to disengage from it and do what you need to do, for you, your husband and baby, anyway.

Like preparing a nursery and NOT setting it up as a guest room for your parents.

Their view of your marriage and marital roles doesn't really matter. If you and your DH are happy, and are communicating well, the fact that your parents are not happy is neither here nor there.

Jesus, stop trying to please these people. You need to establish some serious boundaries. You cannot change how they are, but you can make it plain that the arrangements of your bedrooms and the inner workings of your marriage are none of their concern, and are not up for discussion.

In answer to your final question, you don't deal with it at all. What your parents think of your life is completely irrelevant. You are exhausted after a house move, trying times at work and a difficult pregnancy, and you need rest. So rest.

Why are you so desperate for their approval? In the nicest possible way, grow up, cut the ties of dependence and approval -seeking. You may love them and be grateful to them, but that's a pretty unhealthy dynamic you have going on. Stop it before the baby comes and you start being told what a bad mother you are, too.

I found myself in a similar situation to you and my DH did actually do too much. I had severe PND. Without going into it, despite the illness I do acknowledge that my DH burned out - which is entirely possible your DH will. However it sounds like he's willingly supportive, helpful and understanding - and you're praising him for it (which I expect he loves) so currently it's all n/p.

I think you need to explain to your parents that you appreciate their concern but they've misread the situation and that you won't be discussing your marriage with them in future because the only 2 people in the marriage are you and DH.

Ask your DH how he feels. It's between you and nothing to do with your parents, dammit!

My 2p is that after a baby arrives, as the woman, even with the best will in the world there is a danger that you just end up picking up the childcare and specialising in it, and it takes conscious effort of will to make sure that both of you share the childcare and housework. So it's brilliant that your OH is such a self starter in all of this.

Your parents are being rotten to you. Learn to throw them a deaf ear now because I suspect if they're like this now, there will be a ton of useless undermining advice coming your way when the baby arrives...

Your parents should not interfere in your relationship with your partner in the way you describe. Them not knowing this is sad all round, but doesn't change how things ought to be.

What they're doing is wrong. It's bad. It's your parents whose spiritual life is not in a healthy state and who need to look to themselves and their behaviour. (Whatever background beliefs you share or not with them about spirituality.)

It may be difficult for you to take this fully on board - they are your parents, after all. Still, that's how things are. You are definitely NBU to think that you and DH are doing ok.

Thanks everyone.

To bd honest I had years of fighting with my parents (really my mother) to establish that they weren't going to dictate the way I live my life, it's been a tough road as for a long time it was constant and very draining to try and establish that I was going to do what I believed is best for my life and not what they thought. The thing that throws me is that I thought we had got it all sorted out in the last couple of years, I thought that they were just happy to let me be, but maybe I was living in a way that appeased them coincidentally, or maybe there was stuff going on that I didn't twig as I was so focused on the joy of finding a fab man. I've only just twigged it now, but DM has been criticising DH to me for some time and pointing out his flaws to me in the same way I've watched with so much hurt over the years as she Critisizes my poor dad. That stops now, I will not listen to bad things said against my husband. I have good friends who I know would tell me if there were something really wrong, but the love DH and think he's great.

I've had a long chat tonight with DH and we both agree that we are not happy with they way they approached us the other day, or the points they raised, and we are especially unhappy that they've tried to interfere in our marriage when we are both happy with it. As someone said, there are two of us in the marriage, and much as I love them, I refused to be defined by what my parents think of us, or what they think is right.

I'm just sad now as I really thought we'd managed to build a good relationship with them, but now it feels like back to square one, and probable arguments in the future about how we live our lives and raise our children. It's just a shame as I really thought that was all behind us :(

I'd have thought that most parents would be thrilled if they saw that their dd was suffering during pg and that her dh stepped in and did everything for her, particularly if he was already busy! (well, not thrilled that you were suffering obviously, but you get what I mean!)

You say that you love your parents lots but it sort of also sounds like you feel that you ought to say that - there's not much evidence that they love you or support you for what you are, they want you to be what they want you to be, for them.

And it's a personal gripe that people trot out the 'pregnancy's not an illness' line as if that means that everybody who is pregnant should put up and shut up and that they can't have any problems because pregnancy's not an illness. Well technically, they're right. But what they are completely ignoring is that being pregnant can make some people severely ill and it can completely debilitate you. Yes, some women are lucky and sail through the 9 months without so much as a twitch - but of the pg women I've known - they are the rare (and lucky!) ones. Most pg women suffer to a greater or lesser extent as a result of being pregnant.

For people that are giving out a religious vibe (or at least a 'holier than thou' one) - they don't seem to be particularly nice or good at practising what they preach!

Shy, are they religious?

OP, it doesn't have to be like this but they need to be told.
Have confidence in your status atm and everything you have going for you.
Stick to your guns and remember they will want a relationship with their gc and you and dh of course call the shots.

RJnomore - yes they are. We are too, but I think we are a lot more modern about it, and less black/white in our thinking. I'd never dare ask someone how their spiritual life was doing... So patronising and cringeworthy! When they asked about that I said fine and refused to say anything more about it. My relationship with God is between me and God and no one else has a right to judge me for it!

Why do you ask?

They sound a lot like my own parents.

They tend to confuse religion with the right to tell everyone else what is wrong with their life

I'm highly educated and have a good management level job, career path etc and my mother regards it as the worlds biggest waste of time. Part of it might be generational as well I suppose.

The way I handle it wouldn't work for you, at least I don't think so, I keep contact minimal and refuse to engage. I'm determined my children will know them so we visit about once a month, it usually ends messily and I am upset for a day or two after, but at the end of the day I know my life is a good one,I know I make the world a better place, I have learnt mostly to content myself with that knowledge and let their opinion of me go. It's very hard to do though and I don't succeed entirely.

They, particularly DM, sound jealous and are using concern as a disguise to control you and deliberately put you down.
Ignore and tell them it's none of their business. And tell them clearly their will be no guest room so that they cannot stay over and constantly criticise you.

I hope when baby comes he or she is absolutely gorgeous and is testament to you good choices.

If you parents want to see the Baby, then they need to make good choices too and stop being toxic.

Well your parents sound charming...

Hell no, YANBU!

zipzap, hearing you on the "pregnancy's not an illness" thing. The trouble with those "x is not y" formulations is that the speaker doesn't have to define what the consequences are, you're supposed to work that out for yourself. Like "pregnancy's not an illness... so you shouldn't feel any physical effects." Err... no? Or the one someone else complained about on AIBU the other day. Her kid was laughing in the supermarket and some grump said "it's a supermarket, not a playground." Yeah, and playgrounds are the only place we're allowed to laugh?

Mind you I'd have loved it if someone'd tried that line on me when I was pregnant with my twins. "Pregnancy's not a... bloody hell. That bump is bigger than you are. Do you want to sit down?"

You sound like you're both doing fine. No, pregnancy is not an illness, but it can make you ill . And even if you're not ill, it's no picnic in terms of discomfort and the 101 prenancy related things like piles, indigestion, insomnia etc. How wonderful to have a partner who recognises that and is caring enough to do whatever they can while things are tough.

In terms of your aspirations, your DP's really shouldn't be pissing on your dreams but supporting you and ideally asking if there's any way they can help you achieve them.

I'd be really happy and relieved if my dd's DH did what your DP is doing and whatever my dd does, if it makes her happy, then that's enough for me. I do worry that my dd's job, because of her various health issues, are too much of a strain on her, but she loves it and wouldn't dream of telling her what to do. I might say "Are you ok" or "Are you able to get some rest" or "Can I help in any way". But that's as far as I'd go.

As others have said you need to work on being assertive with your DPs. If they start up on this again could you say something along the lines of "Mum/Dad, I don't want this bringing up again ok. I realise you are concerned about us, but we're happy with the choices we're making and how we are living our lives. I'm not prepared to listen to all this again."

Stand firm. It's your life and how you and your dp live it is entirely up to you. And no you shouldn't be at home cooking cakes and making your DH's life easier. Unless you really want to and feel fulfilled by doing so,

Having a baby changes your relationship with your parents. We have great relationships with both our parents but still you take another step away from child adult interactions towards adult adult.

You are not a child to be 'sat down' and told how to run your life. Genuine concern is appreciated but it should be done in a loving, concerned way, in conversation not interrogation.

Keep speaking to your husband about your relationship. Outside interference rarely helps.

Btw as regards how your house is set up for visitors? not. There. Business.

It's not like they're going to drop by unannounced is it?

Tell them things they want to hear, and go on doing things your own way.

It's not like they're going to drop by unannounced is it?

Trust me, that's next OP. I can't add a grwat deal to the already good advice, but I would practice saying "Please leave my house, you have outstayed your welcome." A lot.

You don't have to put up with this OP. If this were my mum I would tell her that if she continues to upset ne, especially once the baby has arrived, you will be asking them to leave.

They tend to confuse religion with the right to tell everyone else what is wrong with their life

Yes that!! Think I maybe had a reprise for a few years because I was seen to be living the perfect religious life - going to all the right meetings with enthusiasm, praying in the right way, etc. Until I got badly burned by a particular Church, and spent a couple years redefining my faith and figuring out what I actually believe... They may have only just realised as I tend to keep my faith to myself a lot more these days. Still very involved in a new Church, but I don't just accept everything that's taught unless it lines up with what the Bible actually says.... Obviously that makes me a heretic and not very spiritual

Totally agree on the 'pregnancy is not an illness' thing. Was stunned to hear that from them. Two GPs and a consultant obviously disagreed as they signed me off for several weeks, and I had to ask them not to sign me off for more so that I could go and finish handing the job over (no one else knows how to do my role and I didn't want to return to chaos)

If they value their ability to control you MORE than you being happy (and it sounds as though they do) then that's a very bad sign. It isn't necessarily conscious, so establishing proper boundaries will be hard. But start now, before there is a baby to complicate things.