To just want a little downtime to lick my wounds

[dancingwithmyselfandthecat]

I set up a business just under two years ago with a friend. We did well for a time, but then had a run of bad luck and took the difficult decision to close it down before it dragged us into ridiculous levels of debt. We've been winding the company up for the last month and I am finally free. It is both a crushing disappointment and a huge relief.

I now have a couple of weeks off before DH and I go on holiday. I am applying for new jobs. Apart from that, all I want to do is mooch, enjoy the weather and have a little bit of time to grieve that things didn't go the way I wanted them to, and that I worked so desperately hard for.

Can I do this? Oh no! DH is at me every morning, with some "project" he wants me to take on (repainting the flat, repaving the garden). My mother and sisters are at me every day - come over and mind the kids, let's go to the theatre, let's go to Alton Towers.

After a week of this, I have finally snapped and told everyone that I am spending the next two days BY MYSELF. Cue hysteria.

I get that in part they are doing this because they are worried about me (I have had depression and anxiety in the past and haven't had a successful outcome from any of my four pregnancies). But I am (mostly) fine. And I think a short period to lick my wounds, apply for jobs and just have time to reflect on the last couple of years is important.

AIBU and ungrateful?

It sounds like you need it!

They are just trying to keep you busy and stop you wallowing. They're trying to be kind.

You are not being unreasonable.

A couple of weeks of summer holiday is more than reasonable especially if you are job hunting at the same time.

That said, when you do get a job you might regret not making the most of this family time - family meaning your own kids, not the whole extended lot! You don't have to do all the Alton Towers etc. but some little fun things around the house like making cakes or just reading some new books together can be relaxing but very good quality family time that they'll love and you'll remember fondly.

I think so. (But then I would, wouldn't I?)

Granted, I have actually enjoyed most of the stuff I've done over the past week but now I am tired and I really really need to mope! It's getting to the point where I'm feeling suffocated and a bit resentful. When I try to refuse a request people keep couching it in terms of "it'll be good for you" "you'll only feel worse if you mope". I sort of feel that my family are using the "we've got to keep an eye on dancing's mood" as an excuse to push me into being their companion/entertainer, babysitter, house renovator.

Happy - I see what you mean, but I don't have my own kids (three mc's and a stillbirth). If I ignore the extended lot I'm by myself.

Sounds absolutely reasonable but I'm sure it's your history that makes them worried. They're harassing you because they love you

Apologies, I misunderstood. Enjoy your relaxation time and good luck with the jobhunt.

So sorry to hear about your stillbirth and miscarriages.

It's good to have such a caring support network.

But they also need to listen to you.

It sounds to me as if you have set yourself a boundaried time for moping. How about you respond to their reaction by committing to do something with them at the end of your alone time?

Also, and this is kindly meant. Perhaps rather than thinking of it as moping time, you could try to think of it as self-care time. So make a list of 5 things that you would like to do to be kind to yourself (e.g. long bath, read book, etc).

Yanbu, everyone needs and deserves some time to themselves to just do absolutely nothing if they wish. Enjoy!

YANBU, but why don't you just tell them? They are trying to help you, so YABU to be harsh.

grocklebox I have. Repeatedly. I finally told them this morning to leave me alone for the week (more nicely than that), and I've had a morning of hysterical calls and texts.

I don't think it's harsh to want time to myself. Or to gently suggest to family that their methods of trying to help me are misguided. I also don't think its harsh to think (but not say to them) that, genuine though their attempts are, they are also mighty convenient for them. My sister has had a babysitter and extra pair of hands at Alton Towers. My mother has had a companion/entertainer. My husband has had someone doing the house projects which he is the only one to give a shit about.

I am so with you on this one, dancing. I recharge my energy best away from other people, whereas apparently extroverts are more likely to need the company of others to recharge. If your family members are the opposite of you, they won't get why you'd prefer to at least have some of this downtime to yourself.

Would they listen to an explanation like that, which doesn't criticize their methods, just explains that you recharge in a different way.

(I also relate to the fact that all these "we're only thinking of you" type days out etc do definitely have fringe benefits for them. They wanna be altruistic? Fine, give you some space cos that's what you really need!)