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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Struggling with relationship of other half

27 replies

minxy1969 · 30/07/2014 12:17

This is a bit complicated but here goes. I met my other half 4 years ago. I have always wanted children. 8 months into the relationship he said he didn't want children but would support me if I decided to adopt or have sperm donation. It was a horrible year as my ex-partner hadn't wanted children either. I had been in agony not having children. To cut a long story short, I ended up going for sperm donation via IVF. I was so lucky that it worked first time and I had a baby girl 14 months ago who is my world. My partner and I stayed together and he became very involved with my daughter so much so he became her "dad". We got engaged last June which I was really happy about. However since Dec/Jan I have started to struggle with our relationship as i can get jealous of his relationship with her. I know it is childish but I want to be the favourite. In my heart it is me she comes to for comfort adn recently since starting nursery was very clingy with me. I loved this. know it is pathetic. She is now less clingy and goes to him as well. I struggle with this. Any advice on how to stop being so possessive? I haven't spoken to him about it at all as i know I am being irrationale. I know I have to put her best interests at heart but just need some advice......

Thank you

OP posts:

fluffyraggies · 30/07/2014 12:23

Here's a friendly .

You're being daft about wanting to be the favorite. My love for my DCs has no detrimental effect on my love for my DH. Your DPs love for DD is not replacing any feelings he has/had for you.

Seeing him be a good dad strengthens our bond, for me. This is how it's meant to work. Not to be jealous of your kids!

MissPenelopeLumawoo · 30/07/2014 12:28

I am confused. Are you jealous of his love for her, or her love for him, or both? Whose favourite do you want to be?

Original poster

minxy1969 · 30/07/2014 12:28

I know that. I don't know why I am struggling so much. I know I am being irrationale as well.

OP posts:

Squidstirfry · 30/07/2014 12:43

This is completely irrational, however slightly understandable, as she not his Bio child, so you see her as "yours".
Also he was not so keen on DC in the first place, so part of you feels like he does not deserve equal love from her.

As you are getting married, he will actually be her dad. Do you trust him not to run off? You need to let your DD you both equally, this is for the best for all of you.

Squidstirfry · 30/07/2014 12:44

*love (you both equally)

Mrsjayy · 30/07/2014 13:27

Its normal for a toddler to favour 1 parent over another some times I think because you chose to have her on your own you are resenting the relationship she has with him , your baby isnt on this earth to make you feel loved though you should be happy she feels comfortable enough to want him your baby isnt your possession you allowed him tk be her dad you need to let him be her dad,

WhoDaresWins · 30/07/2014 14:46

I don't think it's irrational - he didn't want kids so you had to go it alone and now he's getting to be daddy anyway. I expect you feel that he could have been her bio father after all? Does he have PR for her? Contribute financially?

WhoDaresWins · 30/07/2014 14:47

Will he adopt her once you're married?

CarbeDiem · 30/07/2014 15:19

Agree with what Mrsjayy said.
It's also normal for a child to favour one parent for different things too. For example, she might prefer him for playing with and need you for comfort/cuddles/sleep.
You are being a bit irrational. I can see the point that he initially didn't want dc and he's now reaping the rewards, so to speak but it shouldn't be held against him (not saying that you are). He obviously loves her and is her 'dad'.
Could you maybe speak to someone about how you're feeling, a counsellor perhaps - someone independent to talk though things.

NewtRipley · 30/07/2014 15:25

I agree with WhoDaresWins

What did he mean when he said he would "support" you if you used a sperm donor?

Do you trust him?

sezamcgregor · 30/07/2014 15:32

I don't understand that he doesn't want children but will be a father to a child that you conceived from a sperm donor.

Did I miss something?

NewtRipley · 30/07/2014 15:34

sezam

Yes, that's what I don't understand. It seems to be a get-out. That is how I read it, but I don't know if I am missing something

sezamcgregor · 30/07/2014 15:37

Usually when I hear about people that "don't want children" - it means that it's break up time - not time to get a sperm donation

NewtRipley · 30/07/2014 15:38

The other side of this : her apparent preference of him over you is common (I experienced this), but I'd guess it's complicated by the circumstances of her birth

CarmineRose1978 · 30/07/2014 15:41

Could he have a genetic condition in his family that he was scared of passing on. I wonder?

NewtRipley · 30/07/2014 15:42

Ah!

OutsSelf · 30/07/2014 15:45

Another friendly slap from me, OP.

What do you think it means if she favours you? I think you really need to ask this question. For example, you might think that if she favours you, you must be a good mother. Or that you are lovable. Or that she needs to be loyal to you as the parent who really wanted her. Or whatever, you are the only person that answers it.

And whatever the answer is, you are wrong about it. Her favouring someone else does not mean the thing you think it means. You need to find another way to prove to yourself that you are a good mother, or that you were the one who wanted her, or that you are truly lovable. Because at the moment you want your tiny daughter to fulfil some unspoken need in your own life and its unfair and also unsatisfying in that you can not depend forever on her to fulfil this need in you. She loves you, the end. She is not responsible for your emotional wellbeing. If you make her responsible for it, you are setting an unhappy future for the both of you: her, always anxious that you aren't happy. You, always worried that the key to your happiness might grow up and move out. That won't work for either of you.

Lauren83 · 30/07/2014 15:46

Carmine I thought that too

Congrats OP on your sucessful ivf

MorphineDreams · 30/07/2014 15:48

So strange how he wanted to be in a relationship with you, not want a child but ready to bring up one you'd adopted or conceived via doner

Lauren83 · 30/07/2014 15:56

Or was he worried about csa payments if you split?

QueenofallIsee · 30/07/2014 16:23

He is hedging his bets so he has no financial responsibility to your DD! You didn't ask OP but you are crazy to want to marry this man. 2 of my sons are all for their Dad and I barely get a look in - you do learn to live with it

Preciousbane · 30/07/2014 17:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Guiltypleasures001 · 30/07/2014 17:22

Hi op

Is this more he didn't want kids or your kid at the time, but now she's here he's assumed the dad role and shares her effection?

I think it might be a point of contention for you that he seems to have moved the goal posts you've done the hard work and he's now daddy.

Infinity8 · 30/07/2014 19:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

minxy1969 · 30/07/2014 21:27

Thank you for al your comments. A lot of what has been written makes sense and a lot for me to think about.

He wants to adopt her as his own (legally and financially) and he pays for a lot of things for her + pays for our holidays (as I was on maternity leave before). He pays for food etc etc. He wouldn't walk out the door now as would lose too much - me and my daughter.

I think a lot of my irrationale thoughts come from struggling with being back at work and not being with her 4 days a week as she is in nursery. I miss her but have to work.

He initially didn't want children as felt he was too old and was worried his age could affect the child. He also had no experience of children so had no idea how wonderful they can be. He was with me during the pregnancy so saw changes and then when she was born (it was a traumatic entry to the world) he saw her first as I was recovering from emergency C section and he fell in love with her. I don't think he ever expected a baby up to 14months to be so much fun and interesting. So he changed his mind.

OP posts:

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