To feel judged by some other mums who have been there and done it

[CantThinkOfAGoodUserName]

Some friends were telling me how I don't want to let my 8 mo be too clingy or she will be a clingy child always, asking my why I still sterilise as there is no need, other little things that made me feel like I'm being perceived by them as 'doing it wrong'
I know I'm sensitive (hormones been all over place since pregnancy began!) but for me it's a little upsetting when other mums (and these are friends!) make me feel like I'm doing the wrong things.
I got a bit upset although didn't show that I just went a bit quiet and kind of killed the mood I think.
AIBU to feel this way? Maybe it matters or not I don't know but I haven't had any help/guidance once from parents or inlaws or anyone except one close friend who has really supported me and DP but he is as clueless as me. I been working out how to care and look after baby and be a mother in my own way and today I'm left feeling judged.
I know it's a running theme about being pfb and maybe I am but isn't that normal? This is my time to learn, I don't mind advice but they way this friend was saying it was like I was being so stupid!
Ok ready for you lot to tell me I'm overreacting and too sensitive :)

I had the same experience Blackeye. Dd was a complete velcro baby who screamed when put down, but was quite happily left at preschool at 2.5. A member of staff even commented that she wished all children settled in as easily.

Ach, I remember feeling super sensitive to any criticism and all advice felt like criticism when ds was under 1! Try to ignore 'shoulds' and 'ought tos' unless from a qualified peifessi

Professional! And trust your instinct. This phase will pass. One thing I remember being incredibly helpful was 'there's no such thing as a perfect mother... And if there was can you imagine having to live with her!' That helped me bear in mind that it wasn't important to get everything 'right', all you need to do is keep your little one happy and healthy and you'll both be fine :-)

Oh we've all been there and at times I have been given some genuinely horrendous advice by well meaning family and friends.

If I had a pound for overtime I heard I was making a rod for my own back I would own a lot of shoes right now.

My pfb is 8 now and although she loves a cuddle and still climbs in my bed after a bad dream or illness, she is amazingly strong, feisty and fiercely independent.

Your baby, your rod, your back. Do whatever you are happy with and I found a hmmm I will give that some thoughts thanks followed by a quick change of subject works very well.

I think many of us go through this and it feels horrible. I hated it when dd was young and now that she is older I wish to god I had just ignored many of the interfering people who had strong opinions about bloody everything!

Two of my friends/neighbours have babies similar in age to yours. We were all at a BBQ the other day. I was struck by how nervous and defensive they both were the entire time constantly justifying everything they were doing or their babies were doing "she keeps popping the bubbles, do you think she's really destructive?"! "She keeps patting other babies on the head, is that a bit rough do you think?" ""I don't know why she is crying, she normally love parties" on and on it went and actually no one else at the party WAS judging at all, they were just admiring the babies and enjoying the bbq.

It made me think afterwards that when our DCs are little some people do constantly give annoying, unwanted advice but otoh we are often very, very sensitive and defensive which makes behave as though we are insecure and almost asking for guidance. Not sure I'm making myself clear! Anyway, the moral is, now DD is older I very, very rarely feel like that and people almost never offer irritating advice or judgements!

And as for the "making her clingy" crap....totally ignore! She is small baby!

Every child is different and has different needs. Whoever pretends to be an expert on your child is an idiot. Some people might want to help though and may have good ideas: just listen, take what you want and ditch the rest. You are your baby's expert, no one else.

Oh, the 'making them clingy' thing drives me nuts. Dd1 was/is a 'clingy' child, I had all sorts of negative comments ("What's made her like that?" in disdainful tone) It's a personality type, dd1 is quite reserved but with a strong sense of self belief and self confidence. And even at 10 she still wants a snuggle while we watch TV - it's lovely!

People with children are only experts on their own children (and sometimes not even them!), not on parenting in general or your relationship with your child specifically. There is nothing worse than a parent who insists that their kids have turned out fine because of x,y and z when we all know that a lot of it is just luck!
Well intentioned advice along the lines of 'I found x really helped, but I think everyone finds their own way of dealing with things' is one thing, 'Have you tried x?' is somewhere on the fence and anything that makes you feel as though you are doing things wrong is just rude and unhelpful. If someone is really trying to help, they won't do it by undermining your confidence or making you feel stupid.

If it happens again, then I would just stick to a stock phrase that shuts down the conversation such as 'It's working for us' or 'We're happy with things done this way' so they know for sure that you are fine without their 'advice'.

As others have said it's crap sometimes OP when others believe their way is the only way. There's a big difference between foisting opinions and helpful advice.

E.g -
''Oh op, just a heads up about those roller boots you mentioned - I bought my 3 yr old some a few months ago. OMG she so wasn't ready for them and almost broke her neck so they've gone in cupboard for another few months'' = possible helpful advice.

''OP why are you still sterilising at 11 months? you know there's no point don't you? You really don't need to so should stop and save yourself some work, you're nuts if you don't........'' = NOT helpful.

Agree with what another poster said about taking what you want from the advice and maybe have a ''thanks for the advice but we're fine as we are'' ready for the pushy people.

Thanks so much for your thoughts, it's advice I asked for and it's helpful!!!
Can I just ask, would anyone reuse a bottle without it being cleaned in any way at all?

Baby milk? No, don't even do that when feeding lambs. Water bottle, yes.

Yes milk

I hope so wandering I'm starting to wonder if I'm even more negligent than I thought I was!

I wouldn't reuse a dirty bottle, no.

(((hugs))) I ignore as a rule anyone who tells me how to raise DS other than his father if I have not asked them for their advice.

My thinking is that my child is an individual. His experience in life is different to anyone elses - therefore he may be treated as an individual, and I adapt based on HIS needs, not anyone elses opinion.