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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To rant about DH re dinner responsibilities?

125 replies

Clarabell33 · 29/07/2014 20:36

I should mention that I have had a shocker of a day and am in a foul mood so quite possible IABU but I need to vent a bit. Please bear with me.

Most nights, including weekends, I get dinner for DH and I (no kids). I used to cook a lot, especially when I was single, but now I cook 'properly' once a week or less as I'm usually the last home (by quite some time), tired and DH is 'starving' so it's often just whatever I can throw together quickly. He has never had dinner ready (I have, if I'm the first one home) and never offered to make it. If I ever say anything about his turn to cook, he says takeaway. He has never cooked since we moved, which was over 18 months ago. Usually I don't bother and just make our dinner and he eats whatever appears in front of him, but today I am just really fucking pissed off at the 'so you've had a shit day, that sucks... what's for dinner?' attitude. I do all the food shopping (it's a calamity if I so much as ask him to pick up milk - and no, he wouldn't do it without being asked as the level of milk is not on his radar unless he wants tea/cereal and there isn't enough) so he claims he doesn't know what we have in (although I have stopped padlocking the kitchen so he can get in there to find out if he wants) and it's definitely not that he can't cook - he would be the first to tell you how much better a cook he is than I am, although I do think it's slightly unfair to judge me when half the time it's cheese on toast or equivalent just because it's quick and he wants fed now.

Anyway, today I said I didn't know, what is for dinner, and he mumbled something about a takeaway. This has worked in the past but today I nodded and retreated upstairs so as not to scream at him. He came up a little while later to ask what I want to do for dinner as he's hungry. I said I didn't know, but that I am hungry too. He hovered a bit and suggested takeaway again - fine. Which one? Anything is fine by me (yes, I am aware that I was being arsey). He then said he'd have a look in the freezer - and without even leaving the room, announced that he supposed he could make pie (obviously has acquired a psychic connection to the contents of the freezer) but it would take ages from frozen (again with the psychic powers) and he's hungry now. I agreed.

He's now stomped off downstairs and I've heard the front door go once or twice - perhaps he's hiding food in the garage, or foraging in the garden. Or possibly he's managed to locate and unwrap the pie, and locate the oven, hack the controls and make heat happen although not sure why he'd need to go outside for that. It obviously is too much to ask for one night off from being mum even after a seriously shit day (which he knew about earlier as I'd texted him). So AIBU to be this pissed off? AIBU to think this expectation that I am solely responsible for all food-related areas isn't normal, especially as we don't even have kids yet, both have fulltime jobs, and are pretty equal as adults? WIBU to say something now, or should I wait til I'm in a less shit mood (not that that will make any difference to how he reacts)? AIBU to be this arsey about it or should I just stop moaning and mum up and make his sodding dinner?

Whew. Thank you for reading. Ready to be told to stop being such a shite wife and cook his dinner now.

OP posts:

combust22 · 30/07/2014 08:25

Yes it would be a very different scenario if you had children whois.

Phineyj · 30/07/2014 08:33

Here, with a similar problem, we did the first home cooks thing, the rota and whiteboard thing and now, 15 (!) years later, DH does most of the food shopping and cooking (he gets lots of praise for this from both sets of parents). I try not to bear his DM any resentment for essentially doing what she could have done when he was younger. It was quite a training job.

whois · 30/07/2014 08:37

Yes it would be a very different scenario if you had children whois

Yeah, but DP working the hours he currently does wouldn't be sustainable with children either.

Don't get me wrong, he can cook. It's just utilitarian and practical in style and he gets no enjoyment from cooking. He did all the cooking at home for him and his younger brother from age 13 after their mum got sick so he is able.

combust22 · 30/07/2014 08:42

maybe your OHs hours would have to be sustainable though.

My OH has always worked very long hours, rarely back before 8.30-9pm. Most nights ( gone from 7am)

That meant he hardly saw the kids while they were young ( in bed when he got back) never mind cooking for them. We just have to work around what we have.

Will your OHs work pattern change if you have kids? It may not be so easy.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 30/07/2014 09:29

Clarabell
You do need this sorted before you have children. Think also about the message to your DC if you have an unequal housework. DH comes from a more "traditional" culture in N Africa but he cooks and cleans because it needs doing not because I have asked. I am sure that is part of the reason why our sons enjoy cooking because it's something they do with their Dad as well as their Mum.

temporarilyjerry · 30/07/2014 10:18

He would be the first to tell you how much better a cook he is than I am.

Frozen pie, mash and peas? Enter him for Masterchef, OP!

Sapat · 30/07/2014 10:30

DH will happily do the cooking and shopping. Scrub the toilet? Nope, he has never done that. Ever. I swear I will do a better job of our sons.

kentishgirl · 30/07/2014 10:31

After 12 years with 1950s ex, always thinking eventually he'd see the unfairness and stupidity of it all (he never did), and feeling permanently frustrated and angry about this shit all the time, I would never ever ever waste 10 seconds of my life on another man like that. There are couples who live happily like this. When they both agree. When they don't agree, I think you are flogging a dead horse. You aren't going to change your opinion into thinking it should all be your job. He isn't going to change his opinion into thinking it should be shared responsibility. These attitudes lie deep within us.

Very happy now with man who just gets on with cooking and cleaning and stuff, without any discussions, rotas, big issues about it. He has the same basic assumption that I do - this is a partnership, we both do this stuff.

Did you know these were his attitudes before you married him? Did you think he would change? Why would he want to change any more than you want to change?

combust22 · 30/07/2014 10:36

kentish- sounds like our relationship too. No real discussions, no rota, we just get on with it.

Mintyy · 30/07/2014 10:43

Oh yuck! how can people even fancy men like this and want to have sex with them? Stupidity is the most unsexy attribute imo.

He has been utterly unintelligent over this. I'd ditch him (quite serious).

whois · 30/07/2014 10:49

Will your OHs work pattern change if you have kids? It may not be so easy

Not sure really. Business is in it's early years so the idea is it would require less hours later on, but I'm not sure how realistic that is.

We just have to work around what we have

I like this view point.

combust22 · 30/07/2014 10:55

"We just have to work around what we have

I like this view point."

That's what most families have to do. Most families have two working parents- if only one part time, so may require weekend/evening work anyway to work around childcare.

When there are much bigger issues to deal with when you are parents who cooks the dinner can become trivial.

Gennz · 30/07/2014 11:03

OP I would be livid - especially at getting home later and him waiting for you to get in and make dinner!!

DH and I have been together 12 years and when we first met he was a good cook and I couldn't boil an egg. Consequently I did a lot of dishes. I eventually got over that and now can whip up a few good meals (poached salmon, steamed veges and brown rice tonight ) - in fact I seem to do most of the mid-week cooking now as I get home about 45 minutes before DH.

The non-cook always does the washing up though - currently he is unloading the dishwasher and washing the pots.

Stinkingbishop good work on training up your DS - my MIL can drive me mad but she made sure DH knew how to cook/clean etc.

OP, there is no excuse for your DH's behaviour, especially given you are both working full time. Time to toughen up. (That said DH has darkened the doors of a supermarket probably fewer than 12 times in our 12 years together - he has a weird miserly streak and can't bear to spend money on groceries. If he goes he comes back with tins of baked beans and tuna and home brand bread. Oddly he is happy for me to do the supermarket shop (out of the joint account) and spend whatever I like on nice food )

Thumbwitch · 30/07/2014 11:04

My DH cooks every other night. He didn't particularly want to - but then he didn't want to cook every night either. When I had DS1, it was exhausting - I was lucky to manage to get dressed some days! I did all the night work and 90%+ of nappy changes and child care etc.; DH got a good night's sleep every night because he went out to work, so the trade off was that he also got to cook dinner. DS1 didn't nap more than 2 x half hour in a day!

I kept that going for a while!

Then he realised and we went to alternate nights. Sometimes we do get takeaway, but that counts as a "nul" on the alternate nights, not as someone's turn - in other words if DH decides to get takeaway on his night then he still has his turn cooking the next night; same for me. We're both reasonably good cooks, but we both get completely bored with cooking, hence taking it in turns.

I still do the majority of the food shopping but that's because I'm a SAHM - but some days I can't get out, say if one of the boys is ill, then DH will go to the shop and get essentials. I may have to write him a list but that's ok - we both accept that it's the only way he'll get everything that's needed (he asks for one!)

Before we had DS, and actually before we were married, DH spent around 9m not working. He was looking for work, trying to get management traineeships etc., but he was out of work for 9m - all of which I was working. He would spend much of the day on his computer, or watching DVDs - but he would do shopping for food. However, he was also of the mindset that somehow it was "my job" to cook dinner for him when I came in after a day's work - it took a little while to change that mindset but eventually I managed it. I think we took it in turns to cook then as well but it's a long while ago, can't remember!

caeleth84 · 30/07/2014 11:05

DH and I also had difficulties with the whole "i do so much more than you". We ended up sitting down and making a chore list, just for the two of us, and hiring a cleaner. So cleaner every other week, and the little cleaning inbetween was divided up, as well as emptying dishwasher, emptying bins, laundry, who cooks what day, shopping, you name it.

It helped a lot actually. And it's a great way to visualize how much there really is to do.

It all went out the window when I got pregnant with resulting lack of energy / sickness and he couldn't understand why he had to take over some of my chores, and then we had a baby and everything kind of went up in the air! It all worked itself out, but we're at a point now where we're probably going to have to do something similar again (but this time with all the organizing, planning and kids stuff included!) as it's starting to cause more resentment.

In fact, we just yesterday had a discussion in which I gave him responsibility of all the planning and organizing around shopping and dinners. It didn't go down too well, but he has now officially been named responsible (why this is necessary I don't know, I was never given an official diploma for any of my responsibilities...) and we'll see what happens.

We do have a shopping list though. It hangs in the kitchen and whenever you empty something you write it on the list. It had to be done because DH just CANNOT see what we need to buy at any given time. It's been a lifesaver tbh, it makes shopping so much easier and he has no excuses any more.

slightlyconfused85 · 30/07/2014 11:15

Hr sounds annoying on this issue but I think the passive aggressive approach is pointless. Can you discuss this with him and say you would like him to cook a few times a week. You could show him how to make a few easy dishes?

WhatsGoingOnEh · 30/07/2014 11:23

I'd be angry if I felt I was expected to be a 1950s wife who also works a full time job, and contributes financially to the household. That doesn't seem fair at ALL.

ICanSeeTheSun · 30/07/2014 11:26

Why has children be bought into this thread, who to say the OP wants children or may have fertility issues.

It needs sorting because a couple should be able to live with each other happy.

combust22 · 30/07/2014 12:04

I think because couples without children can have a more relaxed attitude toward food, timings, routine and usually cost of what and when they eat.

ChasedByBees · 30/07/2014 12:22

I can't believe he just waits for you to come home and feed him like some baby bird. How is he not ashamed of himself? Youre not his mother. How deeply unsexy.

combust22 · 30/07/2014 12:23

Ha ha- I agree. cahsed. I would get something to eat for myself on the way home and ignore the food issue.

MinginInTheRain · 30/07/2014 12:42

He is casting himself as an inadequate child who can't really look after himself.

Very unattractive. He is capable you say but just can't be bothered to pull his weight. Again, very unattractive.

Do not put up with this a minute more. I doubt he will change in his own.

Children add pressure - life won't get easier sorry.

diddl · 30/07/2014 12:46

Did he ever used to live alone & cook for himself, OP?

rhinobaby · 30/07/2014 14:13

Get a gas BBQ - many things can be cooked quickly and easily on it after work (chops, fish, aubergine, peppers, courgette, ) and the man in your life will love to be in charge - he might even manage a pan of rice/ pasta/ potato to go with it.
(My DH does lions share of cooking, finds it relaxing after work, I am very lucky)

Pico2 · 30/07/2014 14:17

ICanSeeTheSun - the OP mentioned pregnancy and children herself.

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