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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask how i should tackle this?

12 replies

Kazzie101 · 28/07/2014 22:12

Concerns my friend of 12 years. She and i go back to when we were at school together.

She's always been someone who i have suspected harbours a little jealousy but never enough to get riled about or confront her about it. Silly little things. Anyway...fast forward....i am getting married next year to my boyfriend of 6 years. Friend in question is a bridesmaid. I have always felt that she is probably quite high maintenance and always finds something to moan about. She spent the past year moaning about her boyfriend and i never overstepped the mark, just said on one occasion that perhaps she deserves more if he treats her in a way that she doesnt like. They split 2 months ago. A fortnight ago we had an engagement party. She knew a few people there and i told her she could bring a friend. All she did in the run up was complain by text that she wouldnt know anyone and i was very nice about. I tend to please rather than offend and ive done all i can to be supportive. On the night she wouldnt leave my side despite my other friends (also bm's who made a huge effort to talk to her) sitting with her. Constant complaining about how she didnt know anyone, how embarrassing it was that she was single and general whining. She tends to say that my life "makes her feel bad" and i find this upsetting because it makes me feel uncomfortable. She ended up going hone early and i was quite relieved. Thats an awful thing to say

I saw her for the first time since the party yesterday and all she did was ask what people thought of her. She didnt exactly talk to anyone (despite people making an effort with her) so i said i disnt know. She never enquires about my wedding and i feel it is driving is apart. We're 30 years old. Noone else behaves like this? Aibu to really dread seeing her?

OP posts:
RonaldMcDonald · 28/07/2014 22:18

I think that perhaps you should try to have some empathy for the things that she is going through
I know atm that it is all about you but your friend is going through a tough/rough time
YABU

Staryyeyedsurprise · 28/07/2014 22:22

I know it seems annoying & she could be shaping her life a bit more proactively, but be as kind as you can be. It's got to be hard for her seeing you on your way to being married & from the sounds of it having loads of friends if she's feeling sorry for herself.

ladygracie · 28/07/2014 22:23

I think she sounds very self absorbed and was going to suggest that you distance yourself slightly from her. Having read Ronald's post I now feel a bit mean.
But YANBU to ask how to tackle it.

Kazzie101 · 28/07/2014 22:31

Thank you for your replies. I do my best to support her but i find her negative comments about my life difficult. I find that she tries to imply that i have 'settled' for my partner which is absolutely not the case but that she tries to make me think thats her opinion (even though i know she doesnt really think that iyswim). Its very tiring. I just didnt need it on that day. I couldnt leave her side without her moaning.

OP posts:
WarblingOyster · 28/07/2014 22:34

Some people are very wrapped up in their own life events to even consider anyone else's. I'm in a similar situation at the moment (but opposite) and it's very wearing.

RonaldMcDonald · 28/07/2014 22:38

To an extent you have settled..you have stopped looking and have thrown your lot in with him. I'd guess that on paper he isn't perfect and that always confuses friends and family when it comes to partners
It sounds as though her self esteem and confidence isn't where it should be and that is tiresome when you are doing something whizzy but...you will also have these times and hope to have a patient and kind friend who has your back

Happy36 · 28/07/2014 22:39

This might be the wrong thing to say but do you think she wants you to introduce her to "an eligible man" at your wedding?

I think you should try to boost her self-esteem by telling her repeatedly that she is beautiful, intelligent, successful, etc. She seems to have a lack of confidence.

Also try to make time for her in the run-up to the wedding, call and ask about her job, flat, etc., whatever is going on in her life. She might moan a bit at first but if you keep showing her you care she will gradually feel more secure and, I hope, happy. Try to organise a few little things she'd like, going to her favourite restaurant, a film night with a dvd she loves, etc. Show her you understand that she has a life that's going on all the while you and your fianx.plan your wedding.

Kazzie101 · 28/07/2014 22:59

Very good point. I try to do this but will try to be even more mindful now.

OP posts:
choochootrain1 · 28/07/2014 23:41

She sounds very draining, and your at different stages of life now but I think you do need to emphasise with her insecurities (as her friend)

The single life is very odd once you settle, I have friends who still want to go to certain places because this or that guy might be there and it's alien and childish to me now - but 7 years ago it might not have been (before I got married) in fact there are many things I now find alien but have to remind myself were important before I settled and had the responsibility of a family. I appreciate it's very draining though when these things can seem petty and childish to you.

SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker · 30/07/2014 00:50

Has she always been like this or is it just lately? If she is always draining to be around and the pros being friends with her don't outweigh the cons I would let the friendship go. If the opposite is true (pros outweigh cons) or it is just a recent thing then I would try and continue to be a good friend and try and be supportive.

SqueakySqueak · 30/07/2014 01:53

I draw the line when people make their issues my problem. If someone's issue is going to interfere with my plans and ruin my day, I don't invite them around. I also tend to distance myself from people that are negative or suffering depression. I don't have the energy for it, and I don't want to. Saves me so much headache.

That said, is she just having a bad night, or is she normally like this? Everyone is allowed a bad day or two. If she's constantly like this, I'd ditch her. You don't want her to ruin your big day.

Appletini · 30/07/2014 08:15

SqueakySqueak, I hope you never have a bad day or a spell of depression and need your friends around you...

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