To not them them go with ex?

[Amarena]

Straight to the point - children, aged 8 & 9 are going on holiday with their father (my ex) for a week. They're going with his current wife and her children and I have been told that his sister and her family are going too. They're going to Ireland.

I have asked him to let me know where they will be staying. He seems to think that I'm being precious by wanting to know this. I just want to know where they are in case anything 'happens'. For background, he lives about 90 mins away and is meant to have them every other Saturday to Sunday afternoon. He invariably doesn't and it probably averages about once every few weeks.

I don't think it's an unreasonable request - or is it? I actually think he doesn't really know where they're staying and cant be arsed to find out for sure. I've told him that if he doesn't tell me, they're not going.

Am I being precious and unreasonable?

Thank you!

You need to know where they are going to stay. He is being unreasonable. Stand your ground. I hope he sees sense.

No you aren't being unreasonable at all! My mum still wants to know where I am going on holiday any I am 39! Stock to your guns !

My ex ...when he can be arsed to take them away...last time two years ago also refuses to tell me where they are, it's infuriating and very stupid and childish. He is a knob. If he won't tell you, they don't go, simple.

Thanks Happy. I just can't imagine not knowing whereabouts they are. It's not like I'm not used to them being away, I am - and am also looking forward to a week 'off' if you like! - but not knowing doesn't sit comfortably with me at all. I hope he sees sense too, else WW3 could be breaking out when he realises I'm serious about them not going.

Hi

Of course you're not being unreasonable. It's perfectly reasonable to want to know where your children will be but I suspect you're right and he doesn't actually know the details. Can you speak to his wife?

Speaking as someone with a very unco-operative ex-husband my advice would be to try to keep calm and keep things in perspective. The reality is that you wouldn't really know if the information he gave you was correct, you would have to trust his word. If you did need to contact the children while they were away then I guess it would be through him anyway - unless they have their own mobiles.

I think the real question is whether you trust your ex with the children. If the answer is no, then you have to ask yourself if you really want them to go with him at all. If you have no doubts about their safety with him then you may just have to take a deep breath and let them go. Things like this will crop up time and time again as they get older, whether you're putting your trust in your ex, other parents or your children themselves when the time comes.

Good luck!

No, refuse.

He won't tell you because it's a control thing. So best practice is to send the message: 'No, you don't get to get away with being petty and a shit co-parent because you want to flex your muscles with me. It's reasonable to want to know where they are and a good parent would totally understand that and want to communicate well. Ergo, you are not acting like a good parent. So, it's good practice for me to refuse to let you have your way.'

He doesn't like it? Smile and say well, as we disagree so completely, the only option is for you to take it to court and see what they say, obviously it's best that an impartial family court makes this decision. And he won't do that, because it will cost him money to be told not to be such a massive twat.

Thanks all.

Sal, wise words. He's almost incompetent when it comes to the children actually. It's a relief that the current wife is going. They don't have their own mobiles and he nearly always screens his calls and doesn't reply to texts promptly. It's a control thing with him, one of the lesser reasons I am glad we aren't together any more. They are 8 & 9; they are my full responsibility. He doesn't know the names of their friends, teachers, doctor etc. If anything happened that meant I needed to get to them I would have to get the information in a panic, under awful circumstances. Ok, hopefully unlikely, but true. Whenever I go away with them I always ensure he knows where we'll be. Why he thinks he doesn't have to extend the same courtesy to me, I don't know. Oh yes...control So yes, he could make up anywhere but he knows it will come out - they will tell me when they are back for a start. But even so, at least my mind will be at rest thinking that I know where they are.

They go on Friday evening. I've asked him today AGAIN for the name of the place (in writing this time) and said that if he doesn't tell me, I'm not dropping them off. I will remind him on Thursday. He's got plenty of time to find out. Otherwise it's tough, they're not going.

Oh - and you also say no simpy to make the point that he does not get to be petty and controlling and for you to suck it up. Ultimately, sending that message is in the best interests of your DC long term. They may miss a holiday, but if their dad learns to treat their mum with a bit of respect - it's very much worth it.

Surely his current wife would agree with you on this? Although I appreciate she may be unwilling to get involved, at least she might speak some sense to.him behind closed doors.

Really hope he can be reasonable and give everyone a happy resolution.

Castlemilk, blimey, you read my mind about it being accontrol thing. We crossed posts.

You're also spot on about him not taking it to court and why. Funnily enough it would save me the job, as he's not paid me properly as per our divorce agreement since last October so we could get that looked at at the same time!

And yet he has money for a holiday. ..and breathe

Thank you. X