to ask what you tell your dc if you are nc?

[kawliga]

This is following on from that great thread going on at the moment about people who are nc with their siblings/parents. Just wondering what you tell your dc when they ask 'why don't we go and visit grandma' or 'where is uncle x why doesn't he visit' or questions like that.

I've really learned a lot from that thread, seeing my own family dynamic is the same as so many people's experience but I think I 'pretend' to my dd that all is ok which is silly because when she's older (she's 6 now) she'll realize that her extended family is not close?

In my family we 'just fell out of touch' 'busy' et . The real reason is absolutely awful (criminal matters) and would not be appropriate for a child to know.

I worried about this for a while but in the end we just told them a watered down version of the truth - the grandparents are not interested in their Daddy and were not very nice to him when he was growing up.
We coud not pretend as the ILs don't even send birthday cards. The children are fine with it.

We've been nc with DH's parents for 11 years, since Dc were 3 & 1. I thought they'd have lots of awkward questions as they got older but they've never asked and showed no interest whatsoever on the one occasion DH tried to talk to them about it.

I do worry though that if it was "Ok" for us to cut off Dh's parents, then it would be OK for our Dc to do it to us. It could never happen in my family because although we're not in each other's pockets and we do fall out we're normal and "someone" will get it sorted as necessary. In Dh's family it was/is completely normal to sulk for months. I really don't want my Dc to think that's OK but it is the example we're setting them

well my son knows why we dont speak to his grandad and granddads wife as unfortunately he was there inches away on the day he battered his great uncle in front of his face he knows nothing about my mother and sister as he was only 6 months old when we stopped speaking to them no idea what to tell him when he asks about them im still hoping he never does

I tell mine about my 'Naughty Mummy' who made me sad when I was little and who used to hit me. I've said that I don't want them to ever meet her as she will hit them too.

When they're old enough to understand more, I'll tell them in greater detail ie that she is a sandwich short of a picnic.

Granny is a liar.

NC?

No contact

Thanks for sharing, you are all braver than I am, and honest with your dc. I generally try to be honest with my dd but this is one thing I have been dishonest about. I say things like 'when grandma visits we can show her what you made' when I know hell will freeze over before grandma visits. DD hasn't seen grandma since Christmas two years ago. So I've set myself up for awkward questions. Will definitely never do that again.

My son is still too young yet but its something me and hubby discussed in a counselling session, when things with his parents finally became no contact.

The counsellor said tell them honestly but in an age appropriate way - i.e. when they are little just "nanny is mean/nasty", but as they get older let them know a bit more and once they are teenagers tell them pretty much what actually caused it. She said if you dont theres a high chance that they will choose to have contact with the person during late teens because they wont understand why its a bad idea.

Also in the case of my mil, my ds will need to be prepared with how to deal with her when she approaches him, with a financial bribe and emotional abuse (we expect her to try during late secondary/college)

Like some previous posters, my DS is too young now but DH and I have thought about what to say when he is older.

I plan to say that his grandfather says nasty things to make people cry and we don't have to be with people who hurt us.

As he gets older I'll tell him more.

Tricky though as my DBrother is still in contact and blissfully yabbas on about our 'D'F and what he's up to. I know that DB shows his DF photos of my DS and talks about him. But that's another story and another bridge to cross :(

I just told my DD that they were more hassle than it was worth.

This is a touchy subject for me atm as it's my mums parents and mum asked if she could take DD to visit, mum and DD are very close.

I've said yes so DD is there now. I never did tell her why I was NC and when she asked I said it's up to her to make her own mind up. It wasn't anything serious, just hated their superiority complexes which negatively impacts on everyone else and then I'm the one that has to cope with the fall out!

I never even mentioned my dad who I went NC with 10 years ago.

My DS suddenly asked one day if my dad was dead. Tempting to say yes, but I just said he is alive but lives too far away to see!