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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

iiiiiiit's another wedding thread! AIBU?

57 replies

MoominKoalaAndMiniMoom · 28/07/2014 07:59

A family member's wedding is coming up. They've asked for money but we really can't afford to give any money at the moment. I know turning up without a gift isn't the done thing, but if everyone else is giving money, a nice photo frame (pretty much all we can stretch to at the moment) isn't going to be any good, is it?

What's the general rule for if you can't afford to give the B&G money?

OP posts:
MidniteScribbler · 28/07/2014 08:55

How about a bottle of wine from somewhere that has some meaning to them if appropriate (or where they are going on honeymoon)? Eg if they had a holiday to Australia get them a bottle of Australian wine, or French, or Spanish, or wherever. Doesn't have to be expensive, just from that region. Write in the card that you got it so they can drink it and share memories of whatever holiday it was. I think that if you include a card which states why you got that particular gift (eg reminds them of a holiday, etc) that it shows you have put effort in and thought about them, rather than just grabbing any old thing that was cheap.

Whocansay · 28/07/2014 09:02

Find out where they're going on honeymoon and buy a travelogue (Lonely Planet or similar).

A nice bottle of prosecco / champagne on offer is also good.

I wouldn't go for anything that's clearly cheap.

KoalaDownUnder · 28/07/2014 09:06

Don't worry about it. Just spend whatever you can afford on a present. Some great ideas on this thread, actually.

No decent person is going to be upset that you didn't give them cash.

Gileswithachainsaw · 28/07/2014 09:11

If they are family can't you just explain?

I can't imagine having a wedding and not having family there, and I'd not give a shiny shit if they turned up empty handed.

Just be honest. If they are family worth bothering with then it won't matter in slightest and they would just want you there.

Audeca · 28/07/2014 09:16

I wouldn't worry. We got married earlier this year and were fully aware that there were plenty of guests who wouldn't be able to afford a gift (we were incredibly grateful that they were willing to spend what they did have on attending our wedding). I'm sure the couple whose wedding it is will be equally as understanding.

If you do want to get something perhaps, as others have suggested, make something? Our favourite gifts weren't the most expensive but those that showed thought and had something about the person/people who gave them (one of our favourites was an old framed postcard that had belong to someone's grandparent and was of an area that we both love).

ChasedByBees · 28/07/2014 09:18

I have had the same situation and bought a cheap present - it was fine.

Also at my own wedding, I asked someone not to get me anything as I knew that attending the wedding alone would cost them a fortune. They wanted to get something though and got me a nice photo frame. For me the most important thing was that they were there. It costs a bomb to attend weddings these days, don't worry about it.

caeleth84 · 28/07/2014 09:21

Something personal would be great, and is often much more appreciated.

And I'd definitely look into getting something together with someone else - that way you can get something slightly pricier. We do that with friends a lot just because I figure it's nicer to get a slightly bigger "proper" gift than 2-3 small ones and for a wedding they're bound to get lots of stuff they don't need/want anyway, so why add too much to that .

Original poster
MoominKoalaAndMiniMoom · 28/07/2014 09:23

OH and I are both quite crafty, so I think making something may be the way forwards :) thanks all!

OP posts:
anotherdayanothersquabble · 28/07/2014 09:25

Possibly slightly mean but perhaps you could not put any money in but a note in the card implying you have. They are unlikely to ask you and you could reply implying they must be mistaken and must have lost it! If another relative questions it, say that you gave as much as you could afford, you can't possibly afford to give another gift and are really sorry that they seem to have misplaced it.

We got married in Ireland and were completely overwhelmed by the cash in the envelope and lost track of who had given what. Thank you cards won't mention the amount you gave anyway.

OorWullie · 28/07/2014 09:31

I got my friends a box for their wedding gift.

it was a really beautiful wooden box painted in their wedding colours and was intended for them to keep all their wedding "memories" in- which they did.

Bride was delighted with it, she kept some photos, pressed wedding flowers, invitations etc in it.

nocabbageinmyeye · 28/07/2014 09:33

Someone up thread said something similar and I think they are right, go with nothing but take your camera and take as many pics as possible, but yourself a livingsocial deal (you the ones) you get them for less than a tenner and go them an album of casual shots, they will get loads of formal ones. If you can't afford something then a thoughtful gift is the best way around this. I did this for sil and she loved it as I had it really quickly so it came before the professional album and she was chuffed to have something to show people

Another nice idea to accompany the album would be national newspaper of the day they married, my friend did this for me, she put it in a nice box and collected bits throughout the day, something from the hotel, a buttonhole etc and made it a memory box for me, I loved it

Another

Picklepest · 28/07/2014 09:34

Photo frames. You get shit loads of photos and no place to put them. Oh and a copy of the Times on the day rolled up with a bow. Damn thing costs a fortune after the day in a ceremony package. About £1.20 otherwise.

Have a good time xxxx

MaryWestmacott · 28/07/2014 09:38

I would actually vote against a photo frame, because it's rather presumptious to pick an item that's for display, you are effectively deciding how their house should be decorated.

I'd go for a consumable (food or drink) or practical gift if you want to give a 'thing' or just a card and no money if you can't afford it - often couples ask for cash because they don't want stuff - when we got married, we were renting a small 2 bed flat with very little storage, while we didn't ask for cash, I only recently felt 'brave enough' to throw out some of the gifts we were given that we've never really used, and kind of wish we had asked for money...

not everyone gave us a gift, we didn't mind, we wanted them to share our day - just go with a card.

LuluJakey1 · 28/07/2014 09:43

We said no presents - money or gifts- because we didn't need anything and we just wanted people to come and celebrate with us. We had lots of friends saying they wanted to get us something so said donations to a charity in memory of my dad if people really wanted to.

Never knew who gave what, if anything, but charity sent us an overall amount and we wrote everyone a thank you card who came to the wedding- just for coming and mentioning the overall donation.

We did also end up with lots of lovely 'token' personal presents- an electronic photo album of the day and one of those frames that runs all the photos, a framed funny congratulations drawing of us done by a friend, hand made bunting with our names and date on, champagne etc which we thought were all lovely.

Bigbottomtwirl · 28/07/2014 09:43

My favourite wedding present is a photo frame my mums best friend got us. It's beautiful and displays our wedding photo. Go for what ever gift you can afford.

LuluJakey1 · 28/07/2014 09:48

Meant to say, what we loved about the photos was the informality, they were photos of the whole day and of everyone. Not 'wedding' photos- which we did not have anyway. SIL took 'wedding ' photos- she did an art/ photography degree so they are a bit eccentric anyway. Smile

durhamgirl · 28/07/2014 09:51

If you're going to get a photo frame, maybe you could do some wordart to go in it about the wedding day? Tagxedo is a site where you can make your own and print it off for free. It would look expensive and be a lovely personalised gift :)

LiquidCosh · 28/07/2014 09:58

Well we went to a family wedding once in a different country. It cost us hundreds of pounds to be there what with hotels, flights, trains and outfits and spending money. They had requested cash presents also but we just couldn't afford it so we gave a card. We were thinking that as soon as we got home and had some extra cash we would send them something nice.

The following week the bride phoned round everyone in the whole family to let them know that we hadn't given any money!! I was mortified and couldn't believe she didn't get in touch with us first and I could have explained what we intended to do. In the end I sent her nothing!!

Gileswithachainsaw · 28/07/2014 10:07
Shock

Don't ever attend anything with them again!!

If you were my friend/family I'd have just been grateful you managed to attend.

I'd not have expected anything on top after you forked out for flights etc.

LiquidCosh · 28/07/2014 10:12

No I would never go out of my way for them again and the more I thought about it I was more embarrassed for her than me. She must have sounded so greedy phoning up my DP's family to gossip about us.

cheerybear · 28/07/2014 10:19

When I got married I asked for money, my husband and I owned a house each, we both are 30's and 40's we both have everything we need and in fact two of everything. I would have prefered somebody just to stick a couple of quid in a card or not put anything at all if money was that tight, as the guest coming was the most important thing, I would rather that than even more stuff we didn't want Xx

BlackeyedSusan · 28/07/2014 11:22

making stuff sounds lovely. I wouldhave loved to get a gift that was home made.

I went all bridezilla on my inlaws and insisted on not having a wedding list at a department store and did a list of things we genuinely needed much to the delight of my side who were short of cash. rather be able them spend five quid on a discount store sheet/set of towels than on one flannel.

we also got several surprises that were not on the list.. probably some people came without giving stuff but so what?

GemmaWella81 · 28/07/2014 12:10

Another vote to say a photo frame isn't the most exciting idea. It's become the cliché £5 present. We got 8 frames at our wedding and I still have half of them in the drawer unused.

Put the fiver in the card instead or do something else

Good luck

ChillySundays · 28/07/2014 12:31

A bottle of Prosecco or champagne on offer.

SmallBee · 28/07/2014 12:40

One of my fav wedding gifts was really thoughtful but probably really cheap to make. One of our friends had framed a collection of things from our wedding, our wedding invite, saved some flowers from our day, the box the favours were in & added a couple of photos she took.
It's a beautiful gift & we have it displayed at home. Much better than cash or something off a list!