AIBU for being childfree and wanting to stay friends with a mum?

[childfreefriend]

Hello everyone, I come in peace and ask for your wisdom and advice.

Here's my situation: I am a 32-year-old and happily childfree woman. My best girlfriend, from university days, is my age and has a 2-year-old son. Due to certain circumstances, she's the main carer of the child and they developed a very intense relationship.

It has become increasingly difficult for me to spend time with her. Whenever I'm around, her son gets very needy and disrupt our conversations, which in turns annoys the hell out of her. She told me once "It would be easier if you had children, too", which of course breaks my heart because I'm very adamant I won't have children.

Of course I want to have a good relationship with her son, but the problem is, I'm not a kids person, and he senses it. I think he's a wonderful boy and I hope I can be friends with him at some point but for the moment he's a toddler and things are... awkard between us.

I have tried to hang out with her without her son, but then she gets visibly absent-minded and desperate to be with him again.

I don't get mad or judge her for that; I know this is a huge part of her life I can't relate to. I accept that. But I love her and still want to be part of her life somehow. I want to give her space, but I worry if I disappear, our lives will drift apart completely and I'll lose my best friend.

Any thoughts/ comments/ suggestions? I am asking for help because I want to do things in a way that it's comfortable for her.

Thanks in advance.

Oh boy!

I would keep it light and say: My dear, I'm not having children and I'm not willing to let you go, so let's find a way to make this thing work. Can you please carve out some time for us to spend alone as well as with your son? How about I come over after he's asleep?

2 is a tough age.

This happened to me a with a couple of friends who had children before I did, also a sibling. It does create a gulf, even if both parties are trying. Just see her less (maybe an occasional night out if she can get a babysitter, or go round to hers and watch a film once in a while? An offer of babysitting might be well received too?) Once her son is a bit older, if you're good friends, you'll still be friends. By the way it wouldn't necessarily be easier if you did have children - they might not get on, there might be an awkward age gap, or you might disagree over parenting!

The only thing you can do is accept his behaviour is completely normal for his age and relax about it. If you get irritated it will make it hard for her to spend time with you. He will outgrow this but it takes time so just accept it and enjoy getting to know him whilst he's little

Can you go round to hers for dinner/drinks/dvds after his bedtime?

You may just have to put up with it until he gets a bit older and more independent. I don't think it would be easier if you had a child to, you would just be having them both interrupting!

I have a 2 year old and a child free friend, we go out once a month for dinner and cinema and occasionally she comes to my house to see my toddler. It works fine and everybody wins, you don't have to only have friends with children. Often I relish the adult only time, toddlers can be testing and a break away is important. Other than that he'll only be 2 for a year and 3 is another matter entirely.

It really wouldn't be easier.

There'd just be two children after attention rather than one

kids go through clingy phases, that's normal.

I'd say that it'll probably get easier to meet once her child is in nursery.

In the meantime, perhaps a friendly and tactful chat about the importance of friends respecting one another's choices is in order!

Why don't you just make plans for after he's in bed?? I spend time with friends mostly after our kids are in bed - 8pm they come round, kids have been in bed for 15 mins or so, we can put on a film have nibbles and wine for a few hours. Surely your friends little boy is asleep for about 7pm??

Oh and also is he in nursery or play group ? Could you use that time once a week to go for coffee? Or are you both working so can only see each other at weekends??

One thing that really irritates me about having children is that it has put a complete end to good conversations. Either the kids constantly interrupt or are trying to kill themselves which really kills a conversation, or it is the evening and I am too tired to focus on stuff.
One of the main reasons I work full time, is so that I can have a nice sit down with a cuppa and engage in adult conversation. Though the problem is that I find I often announce when I am off to the toilet, which all my child-free female colleagues find horrifying. Slightly less then when I ask them if they need to go when we are out in site.
Anyway, back to the OP, my sister got fed up with this situation, then she started having kids and realised that it wasn't me being distracted but the nature of young children! On the rare occasion we have eaten out with childless friends we have brought DVD players, nintendos, anything to keep them quiet and absorbed but it is exhausting. Possibly what your friend meant was that if you had kids you would be in a similar position whereas now you are the frustrated party. If you value her friendship keep working at it. Mummies love their children, but they love a nice grown up chat just as much.

I am 31 and child free and loafs of my friends have kids and it's never caused an issue. I accept that they are not available for impromptu nights out in bars and that their kids will interrupt our conversations and they accept that I have no interest in talking about their child's bowell movements or debating different parenting styles. We just adapted.

Thanks everyone for your kind replies!
I feel reassured now knowing that me having children wouldn't necessary be a magic solution for the problem.

I work full-time (often long hours) and my friend is a SAHM. I wouldn't mind meeting her after I finish work, but from what she told me her evenings are quite busy. In her words, her son "refuses to sleep" and she has to battle with him everynight. Once she finally makes her son sleep, she does house chores. Then, her DH comes from work and "demands attention and sex" (her words).

It doesn't help that her DH is one of those who leaves all the parenting and house chores for the wife to do. She told me they often argue about it, but there's never any change and he doesn't understand why she is always so tired since "he is the one who works".

In any case, at the moment she is exhausted and completely absorbed into the role of wife and mother. Although despite everything she does want to have a second child! ;)

I will keep working at it - I will suggest coordinating my visits with nap time. Going out once a month would be also a good idea, but she get restless when she's away from her son.

She has her hands so full at the moment. I just hope I'm not being a nag by trying to remain close to her.

When I had a 2 year old, I was unreasonably jealous of people who had a lot of free time. She may feel irritated with your freedom and not even realize it.

Her husband sounds like a twat.

Ahh you sound lovely I don't think you come across as a nag. If anything your friend sounds quite stressed and her husband like a bit of an idiot tbh! So you are right to stay friends with her. Although I totally understand the bubble you get in when having kids and being stressed and busy with the house and everything, I think she's being a bit unreasonable by making it sound like she's just TOO busy to do ANYTHING and her friendships are suffering because of it. I have 3 kids the youngest is 4yrs, I find the time, if just an hour a week to see someone, as maintaining relationships is really important to me, I think you go mad if your alone with kids all day every day! Even an hour a week for her to vent and chill with a coffee would be good for her. And you are allowed to be busy too - your life isn't ANY less important just because you don't have kids. Your job is obviously demanding, don't go breaking your back just to get an hour with your friend!!

I have 2 DC and when I am not with them, I absolutely detest seeing any of my friends alongside their kids. If there's going to be kids, then we all bring our kids along, otherwise, it is just the adults. Perhaps give your friend a little bit of space, make an effort to meet up with her without the little one and in time, when her DS is a little older, she'll come to really appreciate having you as a friend and being able to disconnect from everything 'mummy' related.