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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

he's gone over there to try and make peace.

20 replies

ithoughtofitfirst · 27/07/2014 14:31

Me again!

Dh has gone over to MILs right now to try and see if he can talk some sense into her about her behaviour towards me over the years. I really didn't want him too. She is absolute poison because she has no self awareness, always feel wronged in some way and can hold a grudge like nothing I've ever seen before.

I have been NC with her for about 3 months now but as my due date is fast approaching I think my husband wants to see if he can sort this out once and for all. I don't share his optimism nor do I want her anywhere near me when i'm tired, hormonal and fragile.

What can I do though? Just tell her she can't come and meet her new grandchild. I think that's what she deserves but it still feels wrong.

I think I'm just scared basically. I am literally driving myself crazy over this. The guilt is horrendous.

OP posts:

BackforGood · 27/07/2014 14:53

I'm not sure what you are asking 'AIBU' about ?

HauntedNoddyCar · 27/07/2014 14:58

He's obviously struggling but no YANBU to remain NC.

Original poster

ithoughtofitfirst · 27/07/2014 14:59

Sorry I rambled... that i don't want this situation to be 'fixed'. I appreciate how much nicer it would be to play happy families but I would rather just carry on NC.

OP posts:

hamptoncourt · 27/07/2014 15:00

She is toxic. I have read your other threads. I wouldn't let her anywhere near my DC.

You need to make sure DH understands that if he puts any pressure on you to see her you will not take kindly to it. I cannot really understand what he is hoping to achieve.

Most likely he will come back saying "MIL really wants a second chance blah bah" when what MIL has really said is "I can't understand why you got with ithougtofit in the first place she is nothing but trouble....."

Good luck with the baby.

Smilesandpiles · 27/07/2014 15:05

Don't let her near you or your kids for Gods sake.

Stratter5 · 27/07/2014 15:07

I'm with hampton, there is no need for you to allow her back into your lives :(

Original poster

ithoughtofitfirst · 27/07/2014 15:20

Thank you people x

I dread to think what is being said about me right now. I bet she mentions our small, registry office wedding at least 5 times. Oh the shame.

OP posts:

hamptoncourt · 27/07/2014 15:24

I really think it is time you had this out with DH. You need to fix him with an icy stare and ask him where his priorities lie.

If he wants to remain in touch with his mother that is fine, but he cannot expect you to when she is so vile to you. You cannot expose your DC to her either. If he cannot see this then you have a bigger problem than MIL.

Hope it all goes OK.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 27/07/2014 15:31

"What can I do though? Just tell her she can't come and meet her new grandchild. I think that's what she deserves but it still feels wrong."

Just remain NC. You don't have to have her anywhere near you if that's what you want. DH can take the baby to her if she behaves, otherwise not.

It feels wrong because you are a normal person with consideration and empathy. Qualities which I daresay are alien to her.

Original poster

ithoughtofitfirst · 27/07/2014 15:34

Thanks hampton I feel so bad for him being in the situation but I know if it were me and my family I would back him up 100% and tbh it would make me not want to see my family particularly anyway.

OP posts:

Familyguyfan · 27/07/2014 15:37

I responded to your prebious thread, so I'll sound like a broken record. As the grandchild of a narcissistic grandmother my attitude has always been that you take all of us or none of us. Anyone who was abusive to either dh or me wouldn't be seeing our children. Experience tells me that these peoplr can't keep their opinions to themselves or away from the children. I wouldn't lose any sleep over this, your mil brought it on herself and your dh can try with all his heart but it will almost certainly be futile.

Best of luck!

Original poster

ithoughtofitfirst · 27/07/2014 15:38

Thank you bitter . I'm always amazed by how much people get 'it' on here

OP posts:

Original poster

ithoughtofitfirst · 27/07/2014 15:58

Haha familyguy I think the only.broken record round here is me

And it's probably because I can't get through to dh so we keep going round in circles.

I have done nothing but cry like a little girl since he left because I'm so frustrated.

OP posts:

Familyguyfan · 28/07/2014 15:15

It took my father many years and many arguments to cut ties. My grandparents were emotionally abusive but dad just couldn't see it. I think it was only when I got older and he compared him and mum to my grandparents that he saw it. They had gone nc when I was under 5 and then there was a very serious family issue so contact was resumed in ny early teenage years before being permanently severed when I was early 20s. You have my complete sympathy. I think the whole experience made me more mercenary. If you wouldn't take it from your friends, you should never have to take it from family!

Original poster

ithoughtofitfirst · 28/07/2014 23:08

Sounds rough familyguy it makes me really sad that people behave that way.

I wouldn't take it off my own family or any of my friends. I feel so trapped in it I feel like I'm suffocating.

He came back from the chat and was so full of shit. Whatever. It changes nothing.

OP posts:

sunny67 · 29/07/2014 14:18

There's only you that knows how bad the situation is with MIL. If it's not a personality clash and you honestly can't see there's a chance of her being a good grandma then it's best to keep away.
Sadly, some people are best kept out if our lives and it always seems harder when it's a woman not a man.
I found that to be true of my mum, sad but true.
Good luck with the baby x

hamptoncourt · 29/07/2014 17:31

Oh dear! Was it the, she doesn't mean to upset you, it's just the way she is and you have to accept it kind of shit?

well you don't have to accept it.

what will happen if you still refuse to see her and say you don't want DC to see her. Will he choose mummy over you?

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 29/07/2014 17:48

My sister went through a similar situation with her MIL. I'd met her myself, so I knew she was poisonous and completely unhinged. BIL excused and excused MIL for years, until she really pushed it and did something completely inexcusable and undeniable. Sister said to OH "Look what's she doing to us. We never have a disagreement and we're not going to start now, and especially not over her". Sister never saw or spoke to MIL again, and never had her in the house. BIL took their kids to visit on his own. MIL was never discussed between them again. Harmony prevailed.

The old bitch died embittered and alone (just desserts) and even her own grandchildren couldn't bring themselves to give much of a monkey's.

Original poster

ithoughtofitfirst · 29/07/2014 20:50

Yeah pretty much a 'well I'm just saying what I think and I can't help if she gets upset' and 'i never mean to upset her' and then 'i don't want her to come If she doesn't want to'

Eurgh

Dh was all oh Im surprised how reasonable she was. Well it would take someone with bigger balls than her to badmouth a person's wife to their face.

It's like she's given me nothing to work with. Oh she doesn't mean to upset me. Oh. Let me reassess how I feel... hmm... oh wait... yup, exactly the same.

OP posts:

Original poster

ithoughtofitfirst · 29/07/2014 21:06

bitter that sounds like the perfect arrangement to me. If only. I think dh will be on my case constantly until I cave basically. Trying to decide what is the lesser of two evils. Divorce? Haha.

OP posts:

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