to be fed up of being asked 'when's the next?'

[oneandnotlonelyk]

I've had three ivf attempts this year, none successful. I have one three year old dd, whom I adore. I may have another child or may not, but it's clear there would be a few years age gap, maybe even five or six years if I don't do ivf again for a while.

I keep being asked why I haven't had a second, told of the advantages of close age gaps etc. Aibu to be fed up of being told small age gaps are best, when's the next etc? Please can you tell me some advantages of bigger age gaps, so at least I can have some positivity and tell the nosey ones that I'm happy to wait.

Thanks

Are these people who know you've been having IVF or just randoms?

Both people who know and who don't. A few times I've been told to 'hurry up' or the age gap will be too big

I'm not sure they understand ivf very well though, they seem to think it's a magic wand to a child. I can't afford more for a year or so though, so the age gap will definitely be bigger

I had several MCs between my daughters. When faced with those type of questions I found it easier sometimes to be honest and say that we were trying but having a few issues (maybe not to a stranger in a shop though).

Good luck. Very stressful time.

You could just say 'it's a work in progress' or something. You don't have to go into detail about anything else.

I'm now beyond having any more but if people ask me and I don't want to discuss it I just say 'we tried, it didn't happen, aaaanyway, moving on....'

I don't know about age gaps but I do know having one is just lovely. Good luck with everything.

YANBU have step kids, DD(15)'s eldest half brother is 18 years older than her he's 33. DH gets told about the age gaps but he doesn't care

Ah OP I have a cousin with secondary infertility who is asked this & her answer is a level stare and 'what would you say if I told you I can't have another one'.

Mine have 3.5-4 years between them depending on the time of year & they are fine. Plus my DS1 didn't get jealous when DS2 arrived & was able to 'help' me by bringing me things ( nappy wipes, cotton buds) & felt important.

What is it about this small age gap preference? Young babies are hard work why mKe it harder for yourself? Why Miss out on lovely time with them while small? If all goes plan here I'll get pg next year ds will be 4 when baby born he will be more independent potty trained (hopefully) and appreciate what's going on more.

To the people asking you that knowing your circumstances are insensitive and ignorant

I've a big age gap - nearly 24 to nearly 16. It's great :) built in babysitter and they don't fight because the gap is too big for DS to care.

Now she's older, he lives away from home and when he's back they do everything together. He does "hunky big brother" for when she and her friend who fancies him rotten need lifts, they go to things together and they're very close. They text a lot and she knows more about his life than I do and vice versa. I know he's very sensible and would always be looking out for her. And he gets away with saying things to her that I couldn't!

When people ask me I just tell them when DD is in school we plan to try again. When they ask why that long I reply that we can't afford to have 2 in nursery and can't afford for me to give up work either.

It really bugs me when people do this, it's the same people that ask at your wedding reception when are you having babies!!! I wish they would all just mind their own business!!!

When asked if I'm having more I say "well I'd like to, but you never know", then if pressed "we don't always get what we want, do we?".

That usually works. If people are insensitive enough to keep going I look them straight in the face and say "I had twins last year, but they died". The subject gets changed pretty quickly after that.

ive an eight year age gap small age gaps are overrated

im sure you will be successful soon

I gave up worrying about the age gap - like you we went through IVF and had lots of miscarriages too, and ended up with 7 years between our dc's. It's a great age gap actually - ds is a wonderful helper and there's been absolutely no jealousy on his part. I don't know how friends with small age gaps between their dc's did it tbh!
Good luck, hope the next attempt works

Could say I don't feel like talking sbout this

that usually shuts the idiots up

people are so rude thoughtless n nosey to ask imo

I have read that a 4 year gap is the least damaging emotionally for the older child.

We planned for a 4 year gap, it took 2 years to conceive ds so we figured if ee started ttc when ds was 1 it would probably take 2 years ( at least as we didn't have as much time for sex, tracking cycles) and ds would be about 4 by the time the next baby came along, as it happens I got pregnant on the first cycle so we are going to have 2 under 2, people ask why we wanted such a small age gap and I just tell them you can't always plan these things.

Hi, we've an 8 year gap, ds is 11, dd is 3.
Amongst the mums I know at playgroup, there is an 11 yr gap and a 13 yr gap.
There are lots of positives so please don't worry.
My late nan used to say "what's for you won't go against you "

My brother and his wife had a 14 month gap between their 2, finding it really hard with 2 toddlers.
There is no right or wrong, stay positive:)

I used to get the opposite. I have an age gap of 12 months and all I heard when pregnant was "you'll regret having a small age gap" or "you'll have a nightmare with two so close".

People always have something to say and an opinion they feel the need to express.

My brother is 3 years older than me, my sister is 18 years younger than me. Eventhough she's only 13 I get on so much better with her than I have ever done with my brother.
People should mind their own business!!

Of course you are not being unreasonable OP! Honestly people are so rude and insensitive! I had exactly the same issue, it took us 4 years and many IVF cycles to conceive DS2 and now we have a 6.5 year age gap (DS2 is nearly 6 months now so my eldest is turning 7). One of my friends who had similar issues used to say in response to these sort of comments 'well you can't buy babies from the supermarket can you' which I really liked! Of course there are pros and cons of any age gap and although we didn't plan such a large age gap, my older DS has been absolutely amazing with his baby brother. He couldn't adore the baby more. He constantly wants cuddles, he can chat/sing to the baby whilst I have a shower, makes him laugh, he helps by getting nappies etc, and now we are weaning he loves to feed him. Whilst they will probably never play together equally like children with a 2 year age gap might do, I think they will have a lovely kind of relationship and am really looking forward to seeing how it develops as they both get older. Very best of luck OP and I hope you get the BFP you want soon xxx

I'm 3.5 years older than my brother.

DD is 3.5 year older than her brother.

Everything has worked out fine.

People can be stupid, there's no wrong or right age gap.

Thanks, there are lots of helpful ideas for responses to questions about 'when?' it is really great to hear positive stories of bigger age gaps too, and I really enjoy having one child, so perhaps a big age gap would be nice so I can spend more time with her :-)

I feel for you. I have PCOS and it took 2 years to conveive my gorgeous boy. He's now 20 months and we've been trying for number 2 for about a year now. We've had the same questions as you and my response has changedfrom yeah maybe to if only it were that easy - my new response certainly takes the wind out of peoples sails and shuts them up.

YANBU, they are being insensitive. My rule is NEVER NEVER NEVER ask anyone when they're going to have children, or a second child or even if they want kids. I might (might) ask a close friend with a baby who is one or two years old if they fancy having another one, but only in a casual way so they can deflect it easily. I
know too many couples who are having fertility issues to want to exacerbate things.

There's a 2.4 year age gap between my DDs and it's bloody tough. I feel guilty every day that I am not giving either of them the attention they deserve.

I sometimes think a > 4year gap where the eldest will be at school would have been preferable.

Good luck with the IVF if you decide to do it again

I really don't understand this at all. Firstly because of the insensitivity, but also because I've seen so many friends struggle with a toddler and a newborn - they are both such demanding ages. And financially it makes much more sense to wait until one child is in school, if you work.