Bit of back story before I launch into recent events. Dsis has 4 children. Each by different fathers, none of the fathers involved as they were all losers (sorry to be frank but true). So dsis is on her own with 4 kids. I have had issues with her in the past continuing to make the wrong choices jumping into bed with no hopers and ending up bringing fatherless children into the world.
For the record I am not at all berating single mothers I think they so an amazing job. But my sister has chosen this lifestyle by choice rather than bad things happening to her.
This in itself would not actually be a problem if she were maternal. We all know that as a single mother you have to give twice as much out at least. You have to make up in time and love for the absent parent. Unfortunately for my sister this is not the case.
Her oldest dd (14) practically lives with my parents who are both on disability benefits due to various illness. My mum runs her to school and takes her to any appointments she may have. I have had to bite my tongue when visiting my mum and dad and hearing my niece asking her mum if she can go home for the night and my sisters response is to make every excuse under the sun not to have her home. She is very blunt in her tone with her daughter as well. The child has had numerous meeting with mental health professionals and is clearly troubled, and I firmly believe it is because she doesn't feel loved or valued by her mother. I have said something before and my sister didn't speak to me for a very long time. When I question my mum as to why she won't say anything she says it's because my dsis will stop bringing the children around and they will be worse off. So my parents allow my dsis to treat her children how she likes and don't say anything at all.
My dsis has been doing some good work for a charity lately but it eclipses everything her children do and it breaks my heart that she can be so passionate about something not related to her yet have so little time for her own children.
They have been left at my parents more and more. Her youngest does a full day in nursery but she doesn't use that day to help she uses another day which means mum and dad having to do school runs and have her youngest all day while she is out. Plus having the rest until 6/7 in the evening. There have been times when mum has had to pick her children up an hour or so early as she can't make the normal pick up and my sis is not prepared to leave her voluntary work early to pick her own children up.
This really is just a snippet of what gpes on (there is so much more) I haven't said anything because last time we fell out it was horrible.
But there is only so much as a mother that I can watch and be silent about.
Last week her dd2 was supposed to be attending a leavers ceremony at primary school. Her dd2 suffers from extreme self esteem issues and has been under the school counsellors and mentors due to her issues. She was put up for an award which would have done her the world of good to stand up and receive. But her mother had been working for the charity during the day and was tired, so she didn't go. My niece missed out on all the year 6 celebrations and receiving her award because my dsis didn't think she was as important as her charity work.
I spoke to my parents first to see if they would be willing to speak to my dsis but their view was that it was her choice. So, not wanting to ring her (don't forget been there and done that, her vileness is just horrible and I don't like confrontation). I pm'd her via facebook...
I know I shouldn't have done it that way but honesty know one is ever allowed to question her she has such a temper on her. I didn't want an ear bashing down the phone.
I was very very careful to choose my words. I said that it was a shame that her dd had missed the celebrations as she has received said award and it would have been good for her confidence to collect it.
Dsis response was all "well I have been doing all this fantastic work for this charity".
I wrote that I agreed that her charity work was great but she would be going to the charity again on Wednesday (it was only Monday) and it just would have been nice if she had gone to dd's leavers celebration as dd will never have that opportunity again.
Well that last comment unleashed the gates to all fury. You would have thought I was the worst person in the world! She accused me of looking down my nose at her she said a few things about what she thought of me (despite the fact that I have often picked her children up from school for her also when needed) she was as I expected her to be just horrible to me and is now not speaking to me at all.
So should I not have said anything at all?
On the one hand her children are fed and clothed and not neglected and it is none of my business.
On the other hand her dd1 lives with my parents most of the time and has mental health issues and her dd2 (11) has already been under counsellors and is showing signs of going the same way as her sister.
I am worried that each of her 4 children will grow up in the same manner and I wish that I could say or do something to stop that from happening.
Surely a child should feel that they have value, that they are loved and yes that they are the most important thing in their parents world.
These children are growing up feeling unloved and undervalued and nothing I can say will change how their mother treats them. And my mum has admitted to being too scared to say anything herself.
I just feel so sad for them :-(