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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think hubby not going to asda is not my fault!!!

21 replies

Topsyturvey09 · 26/07/2014 21:44

It is DS birthday tomorrow, he is one and we are having a get together on the beach, we have me mentioned getting DS a bucket and spade but I have not worried to much thinking he is only one and won't use it much and we will be able to get one at the beach
Been with DH most of day, he said nothing about going to asda
Just got back from his parents and put DS to bed- he said nothing about going to Asda
Cleaned the kitchen while he sat watching the commonwealth games -he said nothin about going to asda
Said goodnight and went up to bed- he said nothing about going to asda

I was in the bathroom and DH shouted through the door that he was going to asda to get DS a bucket and spade (this was about 9pm), I replied to him that "they will have them at the beach". Thinking it is quite late and once he twigged they have them at the beach he will not want to be bothered.
Come downstairs to a sulking husband who wanted to go to asda to get DS a bucket and spade as the ones at the beach will be crap. I said well go then if you want. But he said asda will be shut by the time he gets there- not true as it is ten minutes away and is shuts at 10, it is now quarter past nine. He is hardly talking to me
Am I right to think first of all he has had plenty of time to get DS a bucket and spade
second of all he is a big boy and could have replied back to me that he wanted to go tonight and he does not have to do what I suggest.
And third of all after all this he still could have gone but he has chosen to cut his nose off to spite his face.
I can't believe he is sulking over a bloody bucket and spade, I even heard the remote control being thrown across the room in temper as I went back up the stairs!!!

OP posts:

Teddybeau1988 · 26/07/2014 21:47

Yanbu. There will be a wider and better selection along the sea front than in asda. Can he not just go to asda to buy some bread or milk if he really wants to go

ithoughtofitfirst · 26/07/2014 21:49

Childhood trauma. Maybe he was taken the piss out of for having a shit bucket and spade.

LuisSuarezTeeth · 26/07/2014 21:51

How about you both go to bed, have a hug and sort it out in the morning? It's your baby's first birthday!

todayisnottheday · 26/07/2014 21:53

If it was me I'd have been thinking all day about getting my pfb a bucket and spade for his 1st birthday. Secretly enjoying the thought of picking it out ready for the morning etc etc. I probably would be aware it's a bit silly so not mentioned it. I'd then feel a bit like my parade had been rained on when my partner dismissed it off hand. Not because they were wrong or unfair because I'd know that they didn't realise it was important to me but because it had confirmed that it was a bit silly to be built up about a bucket and spade! All of that would make me feel pretty sulky

Original poster

Topsyturvey09 · 26/07/2014 22:07

I have just tried to sort it out but he is still sulking. The thing i bet when we do get the hallowed bucket and spade DS will take one look at it and toddle off to play with the huge stingray inflatable that his cousins are bringing :)
I don't know how men do it, I sulk for five minutes then get fed up, he is a good husband but my god can he sulk. And I wish I had just answered "ok" to the going to asda. Why could I just not say "ok"

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 26/07/2014 22:16

Try not to think 'if I'd done this/that he wouldn't be like this', if he's throwing stuff across the room in a temper tantrum over such a small thing it has nothing at all to do with you.

Him deciding not to go to asda isn't a legitimate reason for all this sulking and outbursts. Either he was in an arse anyway and it's handy for him to take it out on you (does he do that often? What about taking anything out on your DS?), or he's got anger management problems and needs a bit of perspective.

Either way, how he chooses to behave isn't your responsibility.

What do you think it's really about if it's not about the bucket/spade/asda?

AgentZigzag · 26/07/2014 22:22

Just read again about you saying you've tried to sort it out. That's one of the worst bits about living with sulkers, they won't resolve it until they are good and ready (power/control/teaching you a lesson) but then you know if you don't try to resolve it you're left with an atmosphere you could cut with a knife for potentially days on end.

I was brought up in that type of atmosphere and it's fucking damaging, you can try to keep your DC out of it but that's just not possible.

picnicbasketcase · 26/07/2014 22:25

There'd be a choice of maybe two at Asda. How many shops and stalls with every colour and shape of bucket and spade would there be at the actual seaside? And since when was Asda the benchmark for quality sand play equipment anyway? He's being mad.

MelanieCheeks · 26/07/2014 22:26

Was he using the bucket and spade as an excuse to get out of the house, or go to asda for something else?

Original poster

Topsyturvey09 · 26/07/2014 22:28

Can't think of anything, he is the sort of person who gets wound up about small things but handles the big things ok.
He does throw things a lot in temper, never at me and never in front of DS. I have told him if it continues he needs to go and see someone. I did have a go at him about a month ago and pointed out it is a form of abuse. He looked shocked and has not done thrown anything again till tonight.

OP posts:

Fluffyears · 26/07/2014 22:28

Tell him to dry his eyes, you'd baby sounds more mature than it's father.

Original poster

Topsyturvey09 · 26/07/2014 22:31

I don't know if he was going to get something else but he just could have replied to me that he was going for a few things and I would have said ok and thought no more about it.
He does not always think locigally you see so hence why I pointed out bucket and spades are a plenty at the seaside.

OP posts:

Fluffyears · 26/07/2014 22:31

My father was an epic sulker and tantrum thrower. It is damaging growing up with that and the resulting three day silent treatment and atmosphere you could slice.

Eventually we just ignored his mood and got on with whatever he was trying to ruin. He had two choices, be an arse and ruin his own time as we were still having fun or join in.

Original poster

Topsyturvey09 · 26/07/2014 22:34

He can be childish at times and I know I am going to sound like I am making excuses for him but on the whole he is a good husband and father. I have MS (was dignosed shortly after we got engaged) and his support and care has been second to none. He has also had to do a lot of the care with DS when I have been unable to do so and had never complained.

OP posts:

Original poster

Topsyturvey09 · 26/07/2014 22:35

That's was I tend to do fluffyears and it seems to work. He had just been up to apologise.

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 26/07/2014 22:43

I've thrown things in the past (at and not at other people), but then I had problems and wasn't very good at dealing with being frustrated.

And what he's wound up about (if it is purely about that) is trivial and doesn't warrant anything more than a passing remark of annoyance to you.

It's only a matter of time until he misjudges it and ends up clocking you or your DS with something sharp. He thinks it's OK to throw things in anger, but it's definitely a deliberate choice, if it wasn't then it wouldn't have stopped for a month would it?

It's the same with the big and little problems, if he's able to cope with the big ones then why doesn't he use the same technique to deal with the small ones? Or is it that the big ones involve people outside your home that he wouldn't be shitty with but he's got you to pick on in private for the little ones?

Original poster

Topsyturvey09 · 26/07/2014 22:47

I never though of it that way agentzigzag. I need to have another word with him about getting help. Maybe i should start another thread about he throwing things issue and see it anyone has advice. Won't be able to do it justice now and reply a lot to questions as it is late. May well do it though Monday after DS birthday.

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 26/07/2014 23:33

It's possible (given his surprise at you mentioning it might be abusive) that he genuinely doesn't think he has a problem, but you shouldn't take that as an indicator of whether there is a problem or not. He doesn't get to define or have the last say on what's causing a problem for you.

If it's making you unhappy then it's a problem, and it's not necessarily about how things are as they stand right now, there's always the risk that things will escalate over time.

It wasn't an option for him to throw things for a month and now suddenly it's all back on again, this isn't going to go away on its own.

maras2 · 26/07/2014 23:43

What a big baby.The theme of your post reminded me of 'Nigel Wants To Go To C & A' by a 1970's Punk Poet, Atilla the Stockbroker.Can't link as too pissed but it's out there somewhere.

chocolatemademefat · 27/07/2014 01:21

Buy HIM a bucket and spade tomorrow as well - and get the bucket big enough to fit over his head at his next tantrum.

He sounds childish - my husband's like this - he can go on for weeks being good natured then something and nothing turns up - like not being able to find his car keys - and he loses the plot and acts as if we've deliberately hidden them so that we can make an arse of him. Then he sulks until i get fed up with it and tell him to stop. Some men need to take the final step to adulthood.

chocolatemademefat · 27/07/2014 01:25

And I'd be telling him in no uncertain terms to get the throwing stopped. I've probably been married longer than you and you're entitled to tell him what is and isn't acceptable. He may not be doing it in front of your child now but if he ever does do you want your DS to think - well this is what I'll do if I'm angry.

You sound too good natured to me - sometimes you have to bite back.

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