Feeling so upset. Advice please (quite long)

[Lovemyvan]

Would appreciate some perspective.- one of my best friends is in hospital having surgery. One day this week I offered to look after her 3 children so that her dh could visit. Her middle child is 10 (child x) and he is my ds best friend. I have 2 ds ( 10 & 12) Also here for the afternoon was a friend of mine with her ds and dd. bit of background - child x is a handful, can be annoying and takes delight in winding up the others and he will NOT be told. He has a reputation for this and it is also expected in a way. He also has no perception or empathy for how others feel when he is being a clown. So, the dcs decide to have a water bomb fight and child x is annoying the others by bursting the bombs as the dcs are filling them. My ds consequently bursts his in retaliation. Then - it all goes wrong. Child x is furious and bursts into tears and I was not that sympathetic. Then child x enters the house looking for my ds and hits his arm very, very hard on his forearm with a bat. My ds was screaming in pain and his arm immediately started to swell. I really thought it was broken. Child x also hit my friends 12 year old hard on the back. I will admit I was totally out of my depth with all this. I dealt with it by taking child x down the garden to sit on a chair and told him that it was wrong. His response- ' they deserved it' When my dh came home from work I burst into tears because the whole thing upset me but didn't want to tell my friend in hospital ( or her dh)Any way the siblings told their dad and so my dh explained what had happened. Child x was in big trouble and had games etc removed. The issue is that since this my friend and her dh have been ignoring all my attempted communication, texts, phone calls. It is clear that they must hold me responsible for what happened. I feel so sad and tearful about this. I feel so so bad that my friend was worrying in hospital and all the extra stress it caused as friends dh is not coping well. I am on ads as it is for anxiety and this has not helped. On reflection maybe I could have prevented the violence earlier by intervening ( child x said the others were picking on him) I may also may have said some things in the heat of the moment that have been taken out of context if repeated. Did I leave him sat on the chair too long ? I really do not know where to go with this. I am desperate to make amends and I have not had the opportunity to even talk about this to child x parents.

Hoe long has it been side this all happened?

I'm wondering whether you just need some space. If he's hitting people with bats then he needed to be stopped, firmly! By not reporting it to his mum I guess his parents now only have his interpretation. If it's just a short time since this happened, give it time to settle. If it's a whole, I'd write a letter or something.

Ultimately though she may just stand by her son and not believe the extent of his bad behaviour.

It sounds as though you took the fairest and most sensible course of action. Did he seem contrite at all or was the 'deserved it' his only response?

Is the hospitalisation for something serious? Could he be very worried about his mum? Does he even know?

What are the things you said in anger that he may have repeated?

You do sound distraught over this and agree with pp that perhaps you may have another perspective in the morning when everyone has calmed down.

The main thing is that no real damage was done to your son's arm or this could be a very different evening for your family.

Hope you feel calmer soon.

Less than a week Bees.

OP I understand why you are so upset over the incident but it's quite possible they are not reflecting on it because they are dealing with a lot. Leave it a few days then reach out again.

I think if you feel you have something to apologise for but they won't respond to calls, texts etc then maybe post a short note explaining that whatever went on, they are dear friends and you would appreciate the chance to either chat it over, or forget and forgive on both sides and move on especially in the light of dealing with being in hospital etc. If you get no response from that there's not much you can do than maybe send some flowers with your number and a note saying "always here for you" and leave it at that, for the time being. Maybe they are embarrassed. Maybe they have too much on their plates right now.

I wouldn't leave this too long before talking to your friend.
If she is still in hospital or only just home and not responding then leave a message/text. A heart felt short explanation asking her contact you at her earliest convenience.
I would say I was really sorry (if you are, it sounded so from your op) that her son was upset, but he can't whack people with a bat. Say what you have said here, out of your depth did what you thought best. Honesty is best, if she is a decent friend she will understand.
You dont say how serious the operation was but maybe her son was anxious about his mum (???) it's very hard to understand things from everyone's pov when kids vie to be "top dog" try not to beat yourself up.

Oh OP you didn't do anything wrong! I think they're being really unfair

10 is old enough to know not to pick up a bat and hit another child with it. He was out of order and whilst you might have overreacted he shares part of the blame also with his behaviour. 10 is not 3 and while the Mums illness and disruption at home will have thrown him out of his normal routines he still knows that he was out of order so may be covering his tracks now and spinning a yarn to his Dad. I'm guessing you should take some space for now, let the dust settle, and let them get on with things.

In a week or two you could send a get well card to your friend and pop in a note to explain what happened this week and why. Let her know whether you still want your DS to be friends with child X.

If it was me tbh I'd see this incident as a red flag and perhaps use this as the excuse to find another pal for your boy as child x has a lot of anger and aggression in him. Your DS might be better off with other mates for the teen years ahead so maybe in the long run it was a good thing this happened so you saw what child x is really like.

I think perhaps you're over thinking the matter. Your friend is recovering from surgery, she and her husband are focused on that. It sounds like you handled everything well-in hindsight maybe you should have intervened, but from what you've said about child x, he would have gone on to provoke events anyway.

Perhaps they are absolutely mortified with their sons behaviour and don't know what to say to you?

Perhaps your friend can't cope with dealing with this situation right now so is burying head in sand until she gets better, esp if husband isn't coping?

If my ds was to behave in this way I'd be horrified. I'd also feel bad that you had to deal with this behaviour.
Given the circumstances though, maybe they just haven't got round to replying or feel embarrassed that he was so awful?
I'd send some more texts but I certainly wouldn't apologise as you haven't done anything wrong!

I may also may have said some things in the heat of the moment that have been taken out of context if repeated

I suppose it might depend on exactly what you said?

I said ' I should have known this would end like this' ( directed at child x) cringe at the thought and I also said to my ds ' I think you need to find a new best friend' said this kind of tongue in cheek and under my breath but I think child x older sister heard me. Thanks for all your support.

I feel for you. This is a tricky one. I was in a slightly similar situation our good friends' 2 children were always appallingly behaved but to save the friendship I never said anything and dreaded looking after them. After one of them completely ruined Dds bday party I finally snapped and it all came out. To cut a long and painful story short they never spoke to me again.

I felt mortified but at the same time totally justified in speaking up, sad to lose their friendship but relieved to not have to look after the kids again. My advice would be to leave it a few days, then try to contact them.again, if the mum is well enough offer to go and talk it over with them. You actually did nothing wrong. All 10 year olds know you don't thump people with a bat. To be honest though I have learned that when push comes to shove people with badly behaved kids will go to any length to avoid admitting that their behaviour is out of order. Be calm and measured but don't take the blame for this.

Or possibly they are mortified that their child has caused such chaos and injured two other children while you were doing them a favour with free childcare
You don't need to "make amends" - step back, take some deep breaths, and get on with life. Either they will pop up and apologise to you, or they won't get in touch again. Neither scenario is a loss for you, really.
They will either realise their child needs help/discipline/boundaries or he will never be your responsibility problem again...
This was NOT your fault

You haven't done anything wrong! He nearly broke your son's arm! I think in the circumstances you showed admirable restraint. I would hope your friend is mortified that her son behaved so appallingly when you were doing them a favour by looking after him and she is just waiting till she feels better to deal with it. Or they might be projecting some of the stress of their situation on to you but that is not your fault. I would send them a text saying you are here for them when they want to talk and then leave the ball in their court.

I doubt this is about the length of time their ds sat on a chair. It might not be about you at all. They have a lot to deal with just now.

If it is about the incident then it's probably about what you said to and about him, and the fact that their ds told them about it and you didn't. The latter means they have no idea of knowing how angry you are about the incident.

I'd send a card to your friend saying that you're thinking about her and are there for her if she needs you. Then I'd wait for them to get in touch.

It's not always the case that parents with badly behaved children are defensive or oblivious about their behaviour. If they are struggling with their ds then they will be embarrassed but probably don't have enough energy to focus on chatting with you about the incident atm.

Once they are less stressed hopefully you'll be able to have a chat and get your friendship back on track.

My 9yo ds has one mutha of a temper on him* and if he had acted like this at someone's house, I would be so ashamed, I would struggle to face that person again for quite some time. That may very well be why your friends appear to be avoiding you.

*My ds is undergoing assessment for ASD, which most likely explains his anger and why he lashes out. Is it possible that child x has similar issues that his parents haven't told you about/haven't gotten their heads around, and that that's fuelling their reluctance to talk to you just now?