To need advice on responding when my dd is treated differently

[Waspishbee]

My family is very close and I have a dneice who is a few months older than my toddler dd, inevitably we see a lot of each other and spend quite a bit of time together. While the children generally get on well there are the usual toddler tussles over toys. Dd and dn have very different personalities - dd is a gentle, sensitive little soul while dn is more confident and boisterous.

Over the last while I've noticed that my dd is treated quite differently to dn. It sounds so petty but DD is always the one told to hand over a toy to dn, even if she has it first. If dn hits or pushes dd this is generally ignored, but if dd retaliates she is told off. If dd becomes upset as a result of something dn has done (this happens lots) the the focus is on why she is crying rather than what has caused it. It honestly is one rule for one. I feel like I am constantly watching the children when they're playing to try and avoid or head off any possible issues or to intervene to prevent a drama. Time together usually ends up in a drama and I find I'm purposely avoiding get togethers. We don't have any of these issues with other children or when dd is at nursery.

I am always consistent, if dd needs to be told off then I will but if I tell dn off then her parents become annoyed and in the past it has escalated into a grown up bitch fest, usually by then the kids are happy and content again and the adults are sniping at each other. We have some occasions planned for the rest of the summer and I'm dreading these as I know how it will end up. I stand up for dd every time but then get accused of being over protective and over dramatic.

So, wise mumsnetters - any advice on best way to move forward? By nature I'm quiet and unconfrontational which my family use to their advantage and get flustered in an argument so am easily walked over and shouted down.

If dd becomes upset as a result of something dn has done (this happens lots) the the focus is on why she is crying rather than what has caused it.

Can you elaborate on this bit? Is DN teasing your little girl? What sort of things does she do to make her cry?

Nothing huge, just little things like running off with her toys, pushing, grabbing toys from her etc. Minor in the grand scheme and common toddler behaviour but dd still gets upset

Who tells off your dd?

Do you tell your DN off for doing these "not nice "things cos I would.

This happens time and again in families when 2 kids are really close in age. It happens also, between friends who have kids close in age.

Take both sets of parents aside and they'll both swear they are in the right. A lot of the time they both are in the right because its 6 of 1 and a half dozen of the other.

All I can advise is that you carry on supervising and try very hard not to fall out with your DNs parents.

Otherwise, instead of the problem going away when they get past toddler stage, it could carry on forever...right up until teenage years and beyond.

When DN is trying to take toys from DD have you tried saying something like 'no dn, dd is playing with that. why don't you play with something else or offer dd a different toy and see if she wants to swap'?

I would try to nip this in the bud now. I needn't mean falling out with anyone, just calmly and assertively defending your DD with a smile on your face.

If your DD is crying, comfort her and calmly say "she is crying because X pushed her/took the toy from her", then change the subject. I would also do as Eatriskier has suggested and say something to your DN when she takes things from your DD.

Is your DN's parent the golden child in your family, out of interest?

I think it is because the quieter character is usually more biddable and therefore peace is easier to restore through having that child acquiesce than through clashing with a more forcefully child. I think it is a bad lesson for a young girl and would probably reduce family occasions when this happens as it teaches her that people
Pleasing is more important than fairness.

My DS and his cousin are very similar in age. When at my Pils she would demand a toy, spoon etc that DS had. When I was there one day she did this with a blue plastic spoon. Pil squirmed then eventually DS said to him just give her it, thats what you would usually do (they were 5). I was . On the way out with DS he handed me the spoon to take home. I basically threw it back at him.
This was one incident in many over the years. They are 10 now and she still calls the shots at pils where she is at constantly at.
DS and us? We live about 10 minutes away and see them very occasionally.
No real advice but nip it in the bud if things happen in your house and avoid them at grandparents.
My pils have missed out on DS childhood through their favouritism to sils family and helped create an unpleasant, entitled and increasingly untruthful little madam.

I agree with cithkadston.

Calmly point out the truth, and don't engage in sniping.
Well done for standing up for your DD. It's important that you continue to do so and don't let them create a horrid, unequal family dynamic between your DD and her cousin.

Thank you all for replying, it's heartening to hear that I'm doing the right things so far and not being over dramatic! I am afraid of it escalating so really want to nip it in the bud now, Definitely before dd becomes aware of it.

Off now to practice my assertive do not mess with us face on the cat

Yes nip it in the bud now, I didn't with my dis and dn, and have only done in the last six months, I went from trying to understand dn to getting annoyed to stopping seeing them and telling my brother exactly why I refused to let me son see theirs, (mine was always crying literally every time he got hurt) to now where my partner will not have them in our house, honestly they are that bad, they younger nephew has obviously learnt the eldest behaviour same as my youngest and my eldest, both of mine will not retaliate or stick up for their selves.

I'd keep being firm, I've stopped now commenting so nicely, I'm often told to bite my younger and be the bigger person but I'm sorry when another child is hurting yours and their parents choose to ignore them it's not on, I will deal with it and tell the child their behaviour is unacceptable, shouting if I must. Wins no points but at least my children see mummy will not stand for them to be treated second class.