To be hurt and angry that I wasnt told about my Mums 2nd heart attack?

[Duunowaddathink]

I have spent the week seriously concerned for my mother after she had a heart attack. I have done all the ambulance riding, corridor pacing, fetching of things from home, phoning every morning, driving the 40 mile round trip 2x a day to visit etc etc ...and find out tonight that the one evening I didnt visit because too many others wanted to, she had a 2nd heart attack. She told them not to tell me 'so I wouldnt worry'. Just how great did she think finding out about it from my godchild 3 days later would make me feel? AIBU to feel so hurt that I'm still wide awake at 3am and angry with my family for complying?

YANBU for being hurt and angry but families do this all the time. They were in an awkward position. Your mum, the one in hospital suffering heart attacks asked them not to. It was your evening 'off' and I can see why they didn't tell you at the time when you'd been running yourself ragged. She was already in the best place. They should really have told you once you went back though.

Thanks Waffly...I'm sitting here fighting off a migraine I'm so upset... I genuinely dont know what I'm going to say to her tomorrow. At this precise moment (with a tight band pressing on my forehead) I want to behave like the 5 yr old she is treating me like (grammatically appalling I know but head is thumping) SIL told me I had upset my DB because I said "since when did doing what she told you bother you before?"

Ok, from an objective point on view, her medical information is up to her discretion on who to share it with. You should not have found out from your god child, because she should have honored your mother's wishes. You should have found out from your mother when she was ready to tell you.

Being in the hospital, the worst part for me was having everyone worry and fuss about me. I'm worried enough, and having to reassure everyone that I'm ok is just extra work. Not only that, but seeing other people worry makes me worry even more because it makes it harder to minimize what's actually happening so I can deal with it in my own way. I've kept medical visits and info secret from everyone but DH on certain things until I knew it was alright then I shared a light overview of what happened.

But really, your mother not sharing what happened isn't about you, it's about her and her feelings. Having you worry would have made her hospital visit worse for her. You sound strung out and stressed right now, she might have good reason for not wanting you to stress more. Albeit maybe she didn't go about it in the best way, but and I mean this in the gentlest possible way, but she was the one having a heart attack, if anyone should be upset it should be her, not you. Just don't take it personally.

Go in, tell her you know and then ask how she's doing. Tell her you love her.

As was mentioned above, families do this all the time and when I am told not to tell someone something I keep quiet even if I don't agree and/or understand.
The trouble about this philosophy of not telling loved who are far away when you are ill, is that once they find out, they can't ever again say that no news is good news.

You do sound very stressed out. Do the NHS still have counsellors in the hospitals that you can talk to? When my mother was in hospital, I started to get things out of proportion and just one talk to the hospital counsellor was brilliant and managed to put everything back in its proper place.

When you see her, be calm and kind. Tell her, 'mum, I don't want you to hide things from me. I can handle it. I want to be kept informed if that's ok with you.' I don't think showing her how upset you are will help, in fact it might confirm what she is thinking (that she doesn't want to 'upset' you).

Goddamn...I do see your point of view,really I do...but I AM her next of kin and when the boot was on the other foot and I was dangerously ill I didnt hide anything from her (yes glossed over some of the worst but didnt deliberately omit anything) I wasnt strung out or stressed until tonight (concerned yes but not unduly worried) I totally understand that a very forceful and strong minded person as she is could be frightened by such a sudden if hopefully only temporary loss of independance and think this could be her way trying to take back a measure of control but I genuinely thought we had a better relationship than this episode reveals.

Thanks Mex and However ... I honestly think the stress stems from the secrecy nothing more. I wont be behaving like a petulant 5 yr old honestly...the last thing I want to do is make her ill but I do feel very hurt and excluded at this precise moment and in all honesty if they/she had told me, yes, I would have been worried, but not enough to keep me awake all night as the upset Ive been feeling since someone accidently let it slip has done.

One heart attack is frightening, two is terrifying.

Have you thought that you might be more angry because you are really angry with her illness, which is an inanimate object that you can't scream at, etc. etc.

My uncle, who adored my mother, fell out with me over the stupidest thing after she died of cancer. I can only thing it was as a result of the impotence we all felt, not being able to scream and kick against the cancer.

Yanbu. My parents do this quite a lot and it is really upsetting. They really love you and care about you though and they don't want to worry or upset you. I know you'd probably rather be in the loop and I've told my parents this a million times but they still do it. Any time they keep you abreast of things make sure you lay it on thick how happy you are that they told you!

You don't know what the conversation was in the ward.

Did the others say 'we need to give Duuno a break so we are visiting tonight' or 'Dunno is exhausted' or 'Dunno is worried sick about you'.

Or perhaps with many visitors going on the night she felt a nuisance causing everyone so much driving.

Hence played it down.

She is also not very well and v possibly not thinking as rationally as usual.

yanbu

but while she's still ill is not the time or the place. When she is better, and you are calm point out:

• you felt really upset and hurt at the time
• that you are no longer a child.

Parents always have a tendency to treat you like a child forever. But it was meant will I imagine.

Don't read too much into this. Your DM is unwell, probably on strong medication, out of her usual environment and she made a questionable decision. She is probably not thinking as clearly as normal so fell back on the "lets not make a fuss approach" that I suspect would be her default response if she was well.

It was just her way of coping with a frightening situation. Maybe telling you about the second heart attack would have made it more real for her and she was still in a bit of denial.