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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want DH to stop eating with his mouth open

24 replies

masticophobe · 25/07/2014 03:19

DH eats with his mouth open. He also picks his nose (or teeth/ears/eyes) constantly.

I want him to stop, partly because I find it gross, and partly because other people must do too. He has a high-profile job involving plenty of public speaking and high-level socialising. He touches his face so much that I can't imagine he notices he's doing, so it will be hard to stop even if he tries. He is 50 and this has got worse over recent years.

Now if I ask him to shut his mouth when eating he just gets cross and says I'm turning into a nag. He's not thick and does realise that nose picking and noisy chomping are not really socially ideal, but like most people is highly defensive when criticised and completely lazy about changing personal habits.

I know I'm NBU for wanting him to stop, but I'm not sure of what to do. I don't actually want to be a nag, and my current strategy has made zero progress in getting him to stop, so it's not at all effective. When he says I'm nagging I say the problem is not me, it's his open-mouth eating. Then we are back to square one, but with an atmosphere of resentment lingering.

Any suggestions? Either for how to stop it bothering me, or for how to stop him doing it.

OP posts:

OldLadyKnowsSomething · 25/07/2014 03:40

I suspect things are rather deeper than how your Dh eats; you knew that before you married him. Divorce him and have done with it.

Original poster

masticophobe · 25/07/2014 03:45

No, not deeper than that. Everything else is good. There's no chance of a divorce!

OP posts:

Player67 · 25/07/2014 04:04

Oldlady is that really a reason to divorce him?!

pinkdelight · 25/07/2014 07:00

Are you sure it's that noticeable to anyone else? There's lots of habits like this that get on a partner's nerves but aren't even noticed by others. When you say he has this high profile job, are you actually saying he'll be picking his nose etc while giving a speech or meeting and greeting? That sounds hard to believe. If he is and if people are disgusted or laughing at him then yanbu and he probably needs a bit of hypnosis or something to help deal with them as ticks. But honestly it sounds like a partner's particular irritation at a middle-aged man's habits. Which is a valid irritation, but can see why it spirals into you irritating him/nagging accusations. If he's not bothered by it and it's not affecting work or seriously affecting your relationship (as all else is happy), I'm not sure how you can get him to change his habits. You could look on the bright side that at least he isn't burping and farting and constantly with his hands down his pants!

Fairylea · 25/07/2014 07:10

I agree with pink delight.

Scabetty · 25/07/2014 07:11

My dh talks with a mouth full of food!! I refuse to understand a word he says and after years and years he will now try not to do it. Our dcs are teens and they make fun of him which he takes in good spirit. I notice all his family do it, even his niece. I am not an etiquette freak but some things are simply not cricket lol.

reallywittyname · 25/07/2014 07:11

Film him eating then show him?

Eat in a different room til he gets the message?

YANBU, it's gross.

Alisvolatpropiis · 25/07/2014 07:20

Yanbu it is vile. My dp occasionally does the same

I have seen men pick their nose/teeth in a workplace setting including in meeting it makes me want to vomit so OP is not necessarily being fanciful to suggest that her husbands co-workers have noticed it.

GoringBit · 25/07/2014 07:52

YANBU, it's unpleasant and unnecessary - and pointing that out isn't nagging.

Personally, I'd keep on and on possibly to the point of nagging, I'd point out that seeing the food that he is chewing is revolting . And if there are noises as well, I'd comment on them, too. If he wants the atmosphere to improve, he knows how to make it happen - eat like a civilised man, not a slob.

I'd also be bluntly gently discouraging of nose- and teeth-picking, because they're gross. I'd be more relaxed about, otherwise there's a danger that you'll be on his case all the time, which will be very wearing for both of you.

GoringBit · 25/07/2014 07:53

I'd bd more relaxed about other face-touching.

Original poster

masticophobe · 25/07/2014 08:52

Thank you for replies. I'm sure it's more obvious to me than to others. I don't mean he actually yanks out a big bogey in a meeting, but he does often go for a quick inner nostril scratch or whatever when talking to people. And yes, chewing with mouth open includes noises - I think it's always really noisy if you chew with your mouth open.

The problem is that I have pointed it out quite a lot, and the result has only been that DH is annoyed, but no reduction at all in any of the gross habits. (Though maybe he does think about keeping his mouth closed during important lunches - I'm not sure). I like DH and don't want to bicker with him over anything really.

Anyway, I've started thinking it would be quicker and more productive to convince myself not to find any of it gross. Like if I lived in China or somewhere where everyone eats with his mouth open and snots on the pavement or whatever. But I'm not sure how to go about that. I'm all ready to be tolerant until the first washing-machine chew!

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 25/07/2014 08:54

Put a mirror in front of him at the table (whilst you eat elsewhere!)

JimmyCorkhill · 25/07/2014 09:06

snots on the pavement

JellyBeansHaveNoAgeLimit · 25/07/2014 09:17

Could you suggest he takes a public speaking course where they film you for analysis afterwards? I did that & didn't realise how much i touch my face & generally move around when speaking! Perhaps he'll be more open to suggestions if it comes from someone in a professional setting.

If he really won't change then maybe you could go for hypnosis to not notice it!

Easycare · 25/07/2014 09:18

Yanbu. My husband also does this (eats with mouth open) and the noises disgust me! I don't think he was properly 'trained' as a kid as his mum and sister are the same. Especially with crisps- he actually says he does it on purpose with crisps as it makes them taste better! We've got an unspoken system where I look at him grumpily and he shuts his mouth. I'm determined that our 2 dd won't be the same.

Original poster

masticophobe · 25/07/2014 09:39

I think he knows really - it's more that he doesn't want to respond to being criticised. My influencing strategies must be poor. I have just got his hackles up.

There's no way my dcs are going to be open-mouth eaters. I am very strict with them!!

Easy that's actually quite funny about the crisps

OP posts:

windchimes8 · 25/07/2014 09:47

Feeling your pain. Could be worse mine walks round with his mouth open, only little bit and not all the time. Also bolts his food, bites down on the fork and turns his head towards said fork before biting down. I find it fascinating and disturbing equally.

SarcyMare · 25/07/2014 10:33

for my OH i mentioned it to him, and when i see him doing it i tap under my chin at him so he knows he is doing it, it has improved tremendously.

AnotherGirlsParadise · 25/07/2014 10:53

My disgusting ex used to chew with his mouth wide open and talk with his mouth full, facing me - it was fucking horrible. He'd then get affronted when I had a pop at him for it, saying he was tongue-tied and would choke on his food if he didn't eat with his mouth open (long standing attention seeking issue, this was - he pissed off the emergency services several times by needlessly calling ambulances out for it), I told him he'd managed for 27 years and could go to see the bloody doctor and get his tongue snipped if it was that bad.

The desire to smash him in the mouth with a hammer was almost uncontrollable. THEN he'd have a reason to call for an ambulance!

MrsWinnibago · 25/07/2014 10:57

My mate does this....she says "But I can't taste it with my mouth closed"

YUK! YANBU and there's no excuse for him eating badly in front of you.

blanklook · 25/07/2014 12:51

Film him eating then show him?

^
This

None of us realise how we look to other people until a candid shot or video reveals the honest truth.

Bluebelljumpsoverthemoon · 25/07/2014 17:03

Yanbu. It's one thing for people to lack self awareness because nobody's pointed out that they're repulsing people but to continue with disgusting habits when you know the impact they're having on others is lacking self respect and consideration for those unfortunate enough to have to look at you. Your husband is being wilfully obnoxious.

MorphineDreams · 25/07/2014 17:05

It's the ONE thing that can make me want to actually hurt someone. It makes me so angry. I would seriously consider leaving someone over it.

WotchOotErAPolis · 25/07/2014 17:11

My DH chomps so hard his teeth clack and eats so fast you'd think he had a bus to catch! I thought I was the only one! And he ticks me off if I blow a little on hot food to cool it down and picks on the kids if he catches them eating with their mouths open. He's fine at work or in social situations but seems to think anything goes when you're married.

Mind you, he has a go at me if I say 'ouch' when I stub my toe and farts as soon as he finishes work and comes in to the kitchen for dinner [he says it's because he's relaxed when he's with me, so I get all his built-up tension - I am SOOOO flattered].

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