Sorry if this is a bit jumbled.
I ended my relationship two days ago and I feel like shit. I thought I'd feel relieved that it's finally over but I don't.
The back story: we were together about 2 years. Things were good mostly, he was caring, loving, generous, good with my dc (.most of the time) and I really thought we had a future together. We had been planning on moving in together as soon as we could get the deposit together for a four bed house (I have 2 dc 17 and 2, he has 1 dc 11). We had talked about kids and he knew from very early on that I would've liked to have had another at some point in the future and He agreed.
Things changed dramatically 7 months ago (early December 13). I fell pregnant. It wasn't planned, I was on the pill and it was a huge shock for us both. I told him straight away. His response was. "I don't want it". He then proceeded to completely ignore me, went away to stay with friends across the country, ignored me more (no calls, texts ect).
Long story short, I had a termination. I regretted it instantly (still do) but in the run up to it (2 weeks) he was so unpleasant towards me, angry and distant. I was left to arrange it all and deal with it myself. I felt like I had no other option. I've been a single parent for 17 yrs and I was terrified of doing it all over again. Even as I was waiting in the clinic (alone) I was texting him saying I really wanted to leave and not do it. No response from him. I feel like he lied to me. Just said what sounded good at the time but never had any intention of us having a baby together. I felt/feel like I was tricked into a relationship with him because if he had been dead set against having a dc with me I probably wouldn't have pursued the relationship and he knew this.
Since then things haven't been right. He wants me to be loving and affectionate towards him. I can't. All I can think about is how he treated me and left me to deal with the termination alone. Only one week after the procedure (that he knew I was upset about) he thought it was ok to start telling me that "so and so" is pregnant and "isn't that exciting for them". I still feel so sad about the termination. I feel like crying when I see happy couples with their babies or pregnant women with their partners. I also find myself feeling bitter and wondering what was so wrong with me that it ended up this way.
He's never really apologised for how he treated me, and tbh if he did it wouldn't mean much, words are only words, actions count for more imo.
He tells me constantly how much he loves me and how much he wants our life together but I just don't trust him anymore. If he could do that to me then, he could do anything and I don't want to be in a relationship with someone that just don't trust (or even like some of the time). No one knows that this happened, mainly because I felt/feel so ashamed about it. Most people see him as a great guy. Will do anything for anyone, that type.
I don't know why I feel like shit. I should be happy that I've finally found the courage to end it. I've been wanting to since dec but haven't. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because I didn't want to be alone again. I don't even know if I love him anymore, but even if I do it doesn't change anything. It's a complete mess!
I'm not sure what I expect to get out of this thread but it feels good to 'say' all of this this because I can't in RL.