Should I start backing away from my mother

[Topsyturvey09]

Name changed in case anyone recognises
My mum has always been a bit of a control freak. I know from anoint he age of 16 that no man would be good enough for me but I have married and up to having Ds a year ago we all rubbed along ok.
Since then she has pulled my hubby to bits at every turn
Eg he was not supportive enough during pregnancy and labour
He is not a good dad and leaves everything to me
His family are taking over etc etc etc
Now I must admit me and hubby have one through a very very rough patch and nearly split up I think just adjusting to being parents but we seem to be coming out of it now
During the bad patch she was-
Saying all the time do you think you should leave him and you need to write down every argument he starts as prove if it goes to court, document all the times when he on his own with Ds he goes to his parents to prove it can't cope (one of the things that was affecting us was that DH did not seem to want to be alone with DS and always seemed to go to his parents) but again we seem to have got past this and DH is now fine with DS
She kept going on about if I leave DH I could get a flat with her and she would leave my dad (they are kind of together because the other does not have anywhere to go.
Anyway since things have been better between us she has been nit pocking at everything DH does such a
Saying he never let me make any decisions and i dominates me (I have a condition which means it takes me longer to process things and make decisions so sometimes DH does take the lead of a decision needs making them and there)
Calling us bad parents letting DS stay a night at his other grandparents for a night
She also complains to me when she disproves of something DH does, like today we had bobbed round there after DH had just driven us for 4 hours in this heat from London. She rang me later to say she was disgusted that DH sat down while i ran around after DS and said the words "your husband is not impressing me and we will have words when I next see you about what you need to do next. She will go on about his faults for a least an hour every time I see her
So- why don't I tell her to bob off you are wondering- because she will make and has made my dads life hell and pushed him on more then on occasion to a nervous breakdown. It like it is punishment that I then have to see him go through it. I love my dad so much which is why I don't distance myself. But I think I may have to
Any advice (sorry it is soooo long but wanted to give the full picture)

I did add spaces between paragraphs but my phone has made them disappear. Also sorry for typos

Yeah, you need to distance yourself. Tell your dad you are there for him, but you're just enabling her by continuing to allow her to treat your DH like this.

I know and my DH does have his faults but he is a good husband and father. I was became disabled just after we got engaged and he has always supported me.

I am gritting teeth for he sake of my dad. My DH says he does not give a toss what she says about him but he can see it is dragging me down.
I think she has a plan to encourage me to spilt up with him and then DH can have me and Ds all to herself. She uses my disability to butt in a lot as well.

I won't have her in the house any more as she always criticises it and says it is untidy and unsafe for DS (it certainly is not, health visitor never batted an eyelid)
I have told my dad in the past that I need to distance myself but he gets really upset

I did wonder when me and DH where going through the bad patch if he was the problem and she had a point but once we got away for a week just the three of us we never had one argument and we were so happy just he three of us. And I did not feel stress at all
Then she makes her remarks and all the stress comes back :(
Just out if interest does anyone think my hubby was unreasonable to sit on a chair and rest leaving me too it after driving for four hours in this heat?

To be honest if I'd driven 4 hours in this heat I'd have collapsed for a bit too.

She's trying to split you up so she can use you to split from your dad. My (now deceased) father tried something similar years ago.

If you can, back off. Don't tell her you are, as she will raise the stakes.

I hesitate to speculate on so few posts, but your DM appears to be a woman filled with hatred and contempt for any man who shows you affection. I'd get your Dad out rather than split with your DH.

Oh dear. It all sounds very familiar to me.

The thing you don't seem to have recognised is that your DF is DMs enabler in this. Why hasn't he ever protected you? Does h just sit back and say helpful things like " that's just the way DM is?"

I would go NC with her and keep your DC well away from her too.

Maybe counselling would help you see things more clearly? Have you looked at the Stately Homes thread?

Iiwy I would definitely distance myself significantly. She won't stop bitching, can you imagine how awful it will be for ds in the future when she repeatedly criticises his father? Presumably if she doesn't say these things in front of ds already then she will.

Could you see your dad separately from her?

My response to this situation is usually that you have raised me to be an independent person who can think for herself and live by my own decisions and that needs to be respected .
You need a few stock phrases to defend yourself and she needs to know she can't keep interfering . I think she is jealous and clearly unhappy herself .are you an only child ?

Mum , this is my relationship , my decisions , my life and I shall run things as I like . These are the decisions I have made and I'm happy with that .suooort and encouragement is always welcome .

Apart from that I don't know am not great dealing with it myself ! After they have gone you think to yourself "
I can't believe she effing said that !!"

It sounds like you tell her a lot about your relationship, I would stop that completely. Do not discuss any problems you are having with DH with her as she appears to take that as an invitation to counsel you on your marriage.

Also driving for 4 hours in the heat! No wonder the poor man collapsed into a chair. Your mums attitude towards men in general sounds unhealthy, your poor dad sounds like he needs help.

What happens when you stand up to your mum? If you came out with some cutting home truths about how the state of her relationship proves she is no expert to comment on yours?

It's not easy when your own relationship is going through a rough patch, but her continually using this to make you doubt your DH will only mean that in the end she wins. Lots of relationships will suffer around the birth of a child, it's the lack of sleep. But she sounds like she is trying to turn this into more than it is. She has a motive for splitting you up and you need to remind her of this each time she starts expressing her opinions.

My dad does anything for a quiet life, he knows he could not
cope on his own so takes a lot from her
He does stick up for me but gets the flack
My brother has already distanced himself not completly but only sees her once a month and has been cut out the will ( not that I give a shit about that but just so you know how vindictive she is)
I think the problem comes is when my disability is bad I need help when DH is at work. It's MS

Also I can't see my dad on his own as he does not drive and I don't drive and dues to my Ms I really struggle to use public transport.

As I said if I stand up to her my dads life gets made hell. Also I get no help with DS when my MS is bad as there are times I can't walk and DH needs to work

your DF also has choices. He is an adult, not a powerless child. How many years has he stood by and allowed your DM to behave like this "My mum has always been a bit of a control freak" No matter what the impact might be on you?
You still aren't seeing the full picture OP. I wish you luck.

your husband is not impressing me and we will have words when I next see you about what you need to do next

This is extremely bad behaviour by your mum, your relationship is simply none of her business. You need to find a way to re-establish the boundaries of polite acceptable conversation- so when she mentions your husband- say 'thanks mum, but I don't want to talk about him or my relationship, it's not helping' and then repeat every single time she starts to mention him.

Your husband must be very long-suffering to put up with this. If my MIL was slagging me off every single time she saw us, I would be very angry and expect my husband to back me and do something about it. I can't imagine this is helping your relationship at all- I think you need to make it clear to your mum that it is simply nothing to do with her, no discussion, no anything. Do not tell her anything about your relationship otherwise you really do risk this exploding if your husband decides he's had enough of being the whipping boy for this particular family.

I suggest you repost in relationships, I agree with hamptoncourt that you don't seem quite ready to accept that actually your dad is allowing you to be treated very badly in this situation too and the best thing will be to distance yourself from your mum, trying to protect your dad is going to destroy your marriage and I don't believe it will keep them happy anyway.

Perhaps you also need to think about other ways you can get support/childcare other than from your mum. It won't be good for your children to be around someone who openly spits poison about their own father and would like them to have divorced parents.

My MIL I'm sure wistfully wishes me and my husband were split up but we are a team, and that's the message that gets back to them- you are not giving that message every time you listen for even one second to your mum's nastiness.

When she starts up about your husband, you need to stop her in her tracks. You say she can go on about it for an hour? You need to cut right in and say "No. We're not going to talk about that" "No, Mum, I am not going to sit here and listen to you talking that way" etc. She does it because you let her get away with it.

And, sorry, but your father needs to find his own ways to cope with the situation. He can equally well say to her to stop what she's doing. You can't take responsibility for everyone else in this - you have to think primarily about yourself, your children, and your husband.

OP all of your posts sound very familiar to me and are pretty much exactly what I've been through with my mum. From the remarks about DH to getting a flat together with the DC when you leave him.

My relationship almost didn't survive my mother and her interfering. After almost 20 years of it I went completely no contact with her last year. It's been fantastic not having the stress (I completely relate to the going on holiday and feeling the stress slip away as she wasn't around) of her in my life and my relationship has improved. Sadly the damage she's done runs very deep so I'm honestly not sure if we'll survive.

But, after lots of reading on here about toxic parents and then some googling I finally realised my mother was a Narcissist. I found this website really helpful and it led to me reading a lot of books; this is good, so is this, and this.

It's good that you're starting to recognise the effect your mother has on you and your relationship, it took me years to realise the damage mine had done. I would suggest starting another thread about it in relationships as I got some great advice and some good links from people over there.

Oh, forgot to add...your father sounds like an Enabler. Someone who enables her to continue her abusive ways towards to you and throws the guilt trip at you when you try to deal with it. There's a lot of info on Enablers on that website I linked to.

Thanks everyone, especially Scarlett dragon.

She tried it today again by ringin me and I told her I would no longer be listening when she slagged off hubby and told her to back off (actually said the words back off) phone went down in a huff so we shall see.
I guess up to now I have always felt guilty as a was in and out of hospital as a teenager with kidney problems and my mum gave up a lot to be with me including her career. But enough is enough

Also Scarlett I hope everything is ok with you and your partner :)

This is the right way to go- stand firm, every single time she starts saying something negative, just repeat 'mum, please back off, I don't want to discuss my husband with you' or 'mum, he's my husband, I won't be listening to any discussion about him thanks'. Put phone down, get up and leave if she persists.

I don't see you have a choice, really, otherwise your children will hear her negativity about their dad and your husband might well wonder whether you are defending him in this situation.

They call that sense of obligation you feel to your parents FOG- Fear, Obligation, Guilt. You certainly don't need to feel guilty any more, your mum did a good job of looking after you, but it's not fair to let her have this level of influence over your marriage.

If she dropped dead tommorrow, how would you and DH manage your illness?

That is your answer. If the only thing keeping you in contact is that, what would you do? You would have to manage.

DH comes before DMum, if you have to choose.

Limit contact then drop it.