To postpone our wedding?

[WhatsGoingOnEh]

DP and I have been together for 4 years. Very happy. Have never lived together. I have two kids, he has two kids. (That's probably not relevant though!)

We got engaged in 2012 (if I remember rightly) but didn't set a date for ages. When we did start thinking about dates last year, we originally said October this year. Then we looked at places, realised how £££ a wedding is, and changed the date to June 2015 to save up.

Then it got changed back again to October. I can't remember why/how, but I change my mind about everything constantly so it was probably me.

I sold my house last Dec and moved to my hometown with my kids, to buy a house we'd all live in together (me, DP, my kids, and occasionally his kids if he ever takes his ex to court to get a proper arrangement that she will stick to, instead of letting her whittle his contact away to nothing).

We've since had such bad luck trying to buy a place. Gazumped twice, messed around -- all truly weirdly bad luck. He hasn't got any capital to put into the house (as his ex still lives in the house they bought together [her deposit, his mortgage]) so I was hoping to buy it alone. Then prices went up and we thought we'd have to buy together, but he has old defaults on his credit record that mean we'd be paying a VERY high rate of interest, so I went back to buying a place by myself.

Sorry it's so long and complicated. Thanks if you've made it this far.

Anyway, we are now 3 months from the wedding. Church, reception (restaurant), photographer and honeymoon flights are booked. We've saved up £2k together but he's paid £350 deposit to the photographer and whatever flights to Italy cost. Nothing else paid yet. Invites haven't gone out but people know the date.

But we still have nowhere to live. And I'm getting stressed. And fat! I can't fit into my dress with all the stress eating. We might have a house by end of Sept if the current purchase doesn't fall apart like all the others did. I'm buying it on my own. (I don't mind that, I like it.)

AIBU to insist we postpone it until we've got somewhere to live, and perhaps have cohabited for a bit? He is lovely but he does come with problems - the ex, old defaults, still a £6k debt to pay off, the mortgage on the old house - and I'm getting frustrated that he is so unmotivated to sort his shit out.

I've been married before, DISASTEROUSLY, and really don't want to make that mistake again.

Yes, he does. Honestly he's not a twat! He's lovely, and incredibly lovely to me, but terrified of his ex and goes into his shell and worries instead of taking calm action.

I stressed to him that it's a postponement, not a cancellation. I can be a lot bit of a doormat in relationships, and ignore my worries etc, so it's a departure for me to be this assertive. I'm a bit unsettled.

Reading your op you didn't sound very committed to this wedding, you are not sure when you got engaged?! even though it was likely only two years ago, you are not certain who/when/how the date got brought back to October, surely bringing your wedding back several months couldn't have been a spur of the moment decision?

We'd had a few talks about it, I can't remember which talk was the one that brought the date back.

We got engaged in July 2012. Im vague because that sounds like years and years ago, whereas it doesn't feel like that long. Years are going by so fast.

I think I struggle with commitment though.

Postpone. Big time.

Buy a house for yourself and your children. If you want to at a later stage, invite him to live with you for a while to see how it goes.

Does anyone think I did the WRONG thing in postponing this?! I know it's a bit late now...

OP it is most unusual for someone to get divorced without a financial settlement dictating when the former marital home has to be sold and how the equity will be divided up etc.

If there is already a court order then you would most likely be wasting money trying to get him off the mortgage.

Definitely right to postpone.

Have you ever seen his divorce papers?

No, because he wasn't married. :)

Don't get married.

Don't tie yourself financially to this man.

He has outstanding debts. He has a problem mortgage with a third party. If she stops paying that they can and will come after him for the money.

If you are married and/or he has any share of your house then that can be at risk.

Protect yourself and your DC by protecting your money!

They never married. They bought the house with her big deposit, and his sole name on the mortgage. I think both names are on the deeds.

She's living there with their 2 kids, and only paying interest on the mortgage, not repaying any capital. The mortgage has another 18ish (I think) years to run.

AIBU to think she should sell the house, take out her deposit, split any remaining equity with my DP and buy her own place? I did that when I divorced my husband.

He needs proper legal and financial advice.

Maybe the right thing is to sell, take her deposit and split any remaining equity. However will she afford anything else? That shouldn't change things but many would be reluctant to sell a property they are paying interest only on to probably pay more rented if they cannot buy again. If they are not being forced to or have an agreement that they won't sell because of the children then that is the agreement they have come to.

Is there any left over if it is interest only? Is your DP agreeable to her having all her deposit back or is he causing issues?

What is your DPs plan? How are they going to pay off the capital in 18 years?

Please don't tie yourself to this man until everything is resolved in cold hard legal documents.

So sorry I misunderstood and thought DP had been married to ex

What a tangle! Best of luck.

You did the right thing.

Why is he scared of his ex?
Why has he not obtained legal and financial advice?