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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is this rude over confidence or aibu... I hope I'm not

53 replies

Superchop · 22/07/2014 19:09

Genuine question when you have your son or daughter's friends over do they help themselves to things out of the fridge, cupboard or biscuit tin?

Had a 9y o do this today, first time he came at

OP posts:

hoobypickypicky · 22/07/2014 19:51

"It's a bit sad that people say their first instinct would be to not invite the child back sad At 9 years old the child probably hasn't any idea its rude - they're almost certainly doing what they do at home which will seem quite normal to them."

Sad? No! Normal? No! At 9 years old my DC would help themselves to food (yogurts, fruit, cheese pieces from the fridge) in their own home but they wouldn't have dreamed of taking food or even asking in someone else's home. They knew the difference between what they were allowed to do at home and bad manners out of it.

Ilovexmastime · 22/07/2014 19:54

I had this once with one of DS1's friends. I just told him that we ask first in this house and that was that . I'm quite surprised that so many posters are saying that they wouldn't invite him back, surely it's just a matter of explaining the house rules, or one of them at least?

YellowTulips · 22/07/2014 20:00

No and neither do my kids.

They want something then they ask (with the exception being they can raid the fruit bowl at will).

Think it's very rude tbh

purpleroses · 22/07/2014 20:01

But hooby - your DCs didn't know these things were rude by magic - they knew that because you (or possibly other people) taught them.

How on earth would they know that otherwise? So how is the DC supposed to know that it's rude? I'm not sure they're going to figure it out simply because they're not invited back

I do also wonder wither they OP's own DC maybe should have been clearer that the guest was not allowed to do that - assuming they were around at the time?

hoobypickypicky · 22/07/2014 20:02

A house rule would be to always shut the kitchen door. Don't help yourself isn't a house rule, Ilovexmastime. Not here, anyway. It's basic good manners and I have enough to do without having to teach other people's 9 year olds basic respect.

purpleroses · 22/07/2014 20:04

I don't think you'd need to make a big thing of it hooby - simply tell them next time can you ask an adult first if you want something to eat. How long's it really going to take you to say that to them?

Or is this child just clearly the wrong sort of child and we don't associate with the likes of them

hoobypickypicky · 22/07/2014 20:05

My DC were taught manners by me, purpleroses. That's my job as their parent. It's not my job to teach other people's children fundamental courtesies.

I know a lot of people won't like me saying that but really, my house is busy enough with people who do respect it!

Brodicea · 22/07/2014 20:06

This used to be the norm when I lived in the USA (from when I was a baby until 9 years old), we'd help ourselves to the contents of friends' fridges and cupboards - came a cropper when I did it at my auntie's in the UK!

hoobypickypicky · 22/07/2014 20:07

purpleroses, I don't care what sort of people or what age they are. I don't like people who are rude in my house. A sort of "my house, my prerogative", if you like.

I think this may be an area where you and I might have to agree to differ. :)

Brodicea · 22/07/2014 20:08

Therefore I agree with Ilove - you need to explain the rules of your house, he probably just doesn't know! This would be much kinder than banning him from your house - I wouldn't want to spoil a friendship for fear of being upfront.

hoobypickypicky · 22/07/2014 20:08

That's interesting Brodicea. I'm now wanting to call up my family in Italy, Canada, NZ, Germany, Holland and Israel and find out what the cultural norms are there.

scottishmummy · 22/07/2014 20:11

It's not what mine would do,and probably not the norm
But I wouldn't curtail a friendship because if it
I'd say something like,when you want food,drink let's yes know.we'll get it for you

DoingTheSwanThing · 22/07/2014 20:32

Rude. Visiting 6 yo did it - then kicked off when asked not too. Hasn't been invited back. Sadly he's a horrendously over-indulged long-awaited only child, barks instructions to his mum in the playground but apparently can do no wrong.

greedygal · 22/07/2014 20:41

DoingTheSwanThing - I agree it is rude but choosing not to invite a 6 YEAR OLD back because of his behaviour is pathetic. It's not his fault he is that way, why would you exclude a 6 year old because he is an 'over-indulged long awaited child' ?? Surely you would politely say something to the Parents? He isn't being that way deliberately. Its not his fault ffs.

Hakluyt · 22/07/2014 20:45

So am I the only one whose children can help themselves? Mine have always done it- so they know not to eat more than their share/dinner ingredients/something special that someone else has bought for themselves.....

Idontseeanyicegiants · 22/07/2014 20:50

YANBU. The DC's can help themselves within reason but friends are offered drinks and snacks. DS is very good at being host, during the World Cup he regularly had a roomful of friends and half of the kitchen cupboards..

KoalaDownUnder · 22/07/2014 20:51

I think it's really rude. Wouldn't have even occurred to me to do that at someone else's house as a child. (Or as an adult!)

purpleroses · 22/07/2014 20:55

Haklyt - ours are allowed to help themselves to fruit that is in the fruit bowl without asking. Or squash. The older ones (teens) also help themselves to bread and peanut butter without asking, though I'd expect a 9 year old to ask for that.

Hakluyt · 22/07/2014 20:56

"though I'd expect a 9 year old to ask for that."

Why?

Original poster

Superchop · 22/07/2014 20:58

I'm glad it's not average behaviour now days, it's happened twice before. I have no concerns with the child's welfare (but I appreciate that pov- it's important to remember)

He is welcome back, just will have to brief him before he walks through the door. I don't think you should have to do this in all honesty. I would always have to ask before I took in my own house my Dc do the same - I don't think this makes me a controlling parent. Once they get permission they get things independently :)

OP posts:

scottishmummy · 22/07/2014 21:01

Mine help themselves at home,pad to fridge for yoghurt,milk etc
I leave wee pots of yoghurt,water and milk where they can reach them
At home of course they take what they wish

HecatePropylaea · 22/07/2014 21:04

Not until they reach the level of familiarity where I instruct them to. I'd go nuts if someone walked into my home and helped themselves to something.

But regular visitors (and only if I like them ) - it reaches a point where I say to them that they are free to help themselves whenever they want a drink or snack. I like it, I must admit. It feels friendly, relaxed and I feel like one of those mums on tv who gets raided by a swarm of locusts aka teenage friends of her kids. But like I say, it's on my terms.

My parents were at my house one time, years ago, and my friend's children walked in, said hi and that they'd come to play and opened the freezer door and grabbed ice lollies. My mum practically had to be peeled off the ceiling and I had to explain that I had given them permanent permission and they were very welcome.

purpleroses · 22/07/2014 21:06

hakluyt - mainly because I'd only let a 9 year old have bread or something filling if it was a reasonably long time til the next meal. Otherwise they'd not eat their meal. But our teens are always hungry and can judge this better for themselves. My DS can easily eat a sandwich, dinner, and then another sandwich an hour or two later.

ObfusKate · 22/07/2014 21:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hoobypickypicky · 22/07/2014 21:12

"I feel like one of those mums on tv who gets raided by a swarm of locusts aka teenage friends of her kids"

I am that parent!

The boyfriend of one of my DDs is very fussy (polite and lovely but fussy). He knows he's welcome to help himself to whatever he likes and he does, he also brings things in that he's picked up from Waitrose on his way over if he knows that it's not something we have in the house and he fancies it. He will go and cook/prepare whatever he wants and will always offer to share anything he buys or which he's taken from our cupboards and that's fine because he's told he can. It's different when people of any age or relationship outside of immediate family just help themselves imho.

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