To NOT want to be told my late fathers anxieties?

[Summertimereds]

Name changed.

I have recently lost my dad. He was my only surviving parent.

When my brother and I first heard of the news we went to see our aunt (his sister) who has form for being a bit tactless and kept crying and saying 'Oh, he was worried! He was so worried about you both! So worried!' over and over. It upset both of us a lot to be honest but we put it down to shock and upset.

Anyway, it's now been two and a half months and my brother went to see her yesterday. She started up with the 'he was so worried' thing again - neither of us know why but my dad had become rather fussy as he aged and started worrying about stuff that was a bit silly to be honest.

But - aibu to think this is really tactless and hurtful?

Yes, your aunt should keep her mouth shut. It won't help your grieving to hear that your father worried about you. Is she not telling you why exactly he was worried, or are you cutting her off before she can get into details?

Was it meant as a cack handed way of saying how much he loved you?

he worried about you = he cared so much for you?

when my mum died family would come out with all sorts of things really - they thought talking about anything was 'helping' us.

It was only about 6 month later my aunt came out with something that actually did make a difference to me most 'memories' were not things we needed to hear.

It is tactless and hurtful. But not intentionally so. Old people worry about ridiculous things. My MIL is perpetually worried about us. To the point that if we go away for the weekend and get back late at night she phones us in the early hours of the following morning to ask if we got back OK and to tell us she is VERY worried about us.

Perhaps you need to be clear and firm with your aunt. Say: I have no idea why he was worried about us. It's very upsetting for us for you to keep reminding us about him being worried.

I agree - it doesn't help the situation in the slghtest. But then, she's grieving too and probably geting a bit fixated on the last things he spoke to her about, and the fact that he died with worries on his mind.

Maybe you could just reassure her that, even though your dad was getting fretful in his last days, you're sure that he knew you would be ok really?

I mean, help her to get past something that's obviously worrying her even though it isn't a real thing IYSWIM?

Well, she's not that old

To be honest there's a lot more than the incident I outlined above but I was worried if I explained it all everyone would think I just disliked her and was using any reason to be offended when I'm not - it's just her behaviour has been pretty atrocious all in all (IMO of course!)

I'm able to shrug it off but my brother is really upset by it. The 'worries' are bizarre and unfounded mostly - she said 'he was worried about all that money you borrowed' to my brother, but he didn't! Very strange! Of course my dad could have told her that but we'll never know and it just makes a hard time harder.

Well, she's not that old

To be honest there's a lot more than the incident I outlined above but I was worried if I explained it all everyone would think I just disliked her and was using any reason to be offended when I'm not - it's just her behaviour has been pretty atrocious all in all (IMO of course!)

I'm able to shrug it off but my brother is really upset by it. The 'worries' are bizarre and unfounded mostly - she said 'he was worried about all that money you borrowed' to my brother, but he didn't! Very strange! Of course my dad could have told her that but we'll never know and it just makes a hard time harder.

Gosh sorry - didn't mean to post twice!

Could be your aunt bullshitting, just for the attention?

She needs to be pulled up on your brother borrowing money. It's not nice of her to talk like that, particularly as it seems as though it's not true.

Maybe call her on it?

'OK, so what did he tell you he was worried about?... No, DBro doesn't owe anybody any money.... No, that didn't happen... Nope.... nope... nope' etc until she runs out of things to say.

Then just say clearly 'Dad got fretful about all kinds of things towards the end, we all know that. But don't go repeating those things as if they were real, because they weren't and it's not helpful of you to keep on about them.'

Then stop her as soon as she starts onto this topic from then on.

It's not unreasonable for you not to want to hear about certain things. My dad passed away last year, and TBH I was very hurt by the fact that my mum started bringing up all kinds of stuff including issues they had in their relationship. I did appreciate that perhaps she wanted someone to talk to but sometimes your children just aren't the best outlet for your emotions. There are some things that you simply don't want to hear as a child of your parents, no matter how old. Especially when the parent is gone, so I don't understand why some people insist on bringing things up.

I do agree with the previous post that, perhaps, calling your aunt on this may be one of the ways to deal with it. Otherwise, she may never stop.

If she is saying things that aren't true, then put her right.

I don't know why he said that. My brother hasn't borrowed any money. Perhaps there was a misunderstanding.

Thanks :) I won't/don't really talk to her to be honest. I was annoyed with the first round of 'he was so worried' and commented then (to my brother, later) that it was tactlessness verging on cruelty.

How much more comforting it would have been to have heard 'he was so proud of you/he loved you so/he was delighted when ...'

This on on top of a couple of other things she said that caused completely unnecessary angst and upset, but I find it difficult to understand why anyone would want to go on and on about someone being worried about me/my brother. Hardly comforting

Yanbu. I doubt what she is saying is true actually. Sounds like she is attention seeking.

I've no idea if it's true or not but it's so unkind and upsetting.

It does sound like she's enjoying making it all into a drama. Some people are just like that, and about all you can do is not rise to the bait. But if your brother still sees her, I'd suggest he squashes these things down without making a fuss, if he can possibly manage it. She's either oblivious to the pain she's causing, or she knows damn well and does it anyway. Neither should be encouraged!

Was she always so hideously jealous of her DB?

I'm not sure it's jealousy: she's so lacking in self awareness, tact, diplomacy ... It used to be a 'joke' (admittedly not a very funny one) that if someone interrupted or cut into someone else when they were speaking that they were 'like Aunty X' as she constantly does this - just butts in with totally different topics of conversation.

I used to think she was nice enough just annoying but I've really changed my opinion of her of late!

OK, who talks shite about there DB? Who makes things up to do so?

Socially inept is one thing, making things up to hurt your niece/nephew is another.

Sounds like she was never challenged and her 'butting in' was her way of making things about her, or revolve around her.

Have a small hissy fit. TELL her that she WON'T get to talk about your DF like this and that if she can't say anything nice, not to say a word.

their

Oh the shame

tigger my mum did exactly the same when my dad died!

In the end, I had to stop going round to see her so much. My mum may have had problems with him but he was my dad, I loved him, I'd just lost him and I didn't want to hear it. And it wasn't as though she didn't have anyone else to tell either.

On occasions like this, if you can't say anything nice, shut the hell up!