To not stay at PILs because of MILs smoking

[sheeplikessleep]

I've been with DH for 19 years, married for 7.

PIL live about 4-5 hours away and don't really do travelling (pets), so we visit them 3-4 times a year. Our relationship is fine, DH isn't massively close to his parents, but we all get along OK.

We have 3 DCs, youngest is coming up to a year old. Gradually, my MIL smokes more and more in the house (her own mum used to live with them and didn't know my MIL smoked. Since my DHs nan has passed away, MIL now smokes everywhere in the house).

The smoke has always bothered me, we always come back smelling of fags. Even the baby Grobags. Guess I've got to the age now where I can't be bothered to just happily accept it. It's her house, totally and utterly, but I no longer want to stay there or bring the kids back stinking of fags.

At Christmas, we stayed in a B and B down the road. We spent the whole days in their house, but headed off about 7/8pm and returned the following morning. I would like to do this again. It just felt that we all got some smoke free air overnight, which made the whole experience much nicer.

DH hasn't been honest with his mum, just says it's about space (sort of falls flat on its face, as they have 2 spare bedrooms), being easier for them etc. however, this time, his mum has said "I'd be really upset if you don't stay with us". DH doesn't feel as strongly as me about the smoke, it doesn't bother him that much.

AIBU to ask DH that we don't stay there?

I acutally think telling her the truth would be less offensive than having her think that you don't like her, which is the situation DH has allowed to happen. It'll be clear to MIL it's not his decision, so she must think that you don't want to stay with her because you don't like her.

Why not call her, say you are concerned about the children - particularly the baby - sleeping in a house where people smoke and there's been lots of studies to show this is a problem, and that you understand she didn't smoke in the house when DH was little (perhaps word it as you are sure she did that out of concern for him, rather than because she was scared her own mum would tell her off!). Say that you love spending time with them, but this is the compromise, that you stay in a B&B, because you'd never be so rude as to tell someone not to smoke in their own house (get that in first that you aren't asking her to not smoke before it gets interpreted that way).

That gives her the opportunity to offer to not smoke in the house, but also means she doesn't take it personally that you don't like her - stress that you really want the DCs to spend time with her and FIL, that it's really important to you, so the B&B is the best way around that for you. (Also make sure you invite them to you too, she might not want to come because of the pets, but be sure to keep offering - it'll reinforce the fact it's not about avoiding spending time with her and FIL)

Mary talketh sense.

Well I think I will be the lone voice saying I think YABU here. As long as she isn't smoking in the same room as you or the kids I think it is a bit much to refuse to stay on the basis of "third hand smoke", especially as your main concern appears to be that you dislike the smell, not any supposed health reasons.

I wouldn't be surprised if she is upset to be honest.

If you feel that strongly why not stop at home and let DH take the kids?

MaryWestmacott
I acutally think telling her the truth would be less offensive than having her think that you don't like her, which is the situation DH has allowed to happen

agree.

We're in a similar position but luckily we can hide behind the lack of space thing. FIL does try not to smoke around us when we're there but YEARS of chain smoking mean we're hit with a wall of smoke as soon as we enter and everything from the curtains to the (freshly washed) tea towels reeks.

In your situation, for the reasons MAryW says above, DH is just going to have to be honest. but I'm glad we don't have to be

YANBU but surely spending the day there is still going to expose you to smoke so the problem remains. I wouldn't go there with children at all.

LongTimeLurking how would that keep the DC away from the smoke?

YANBU... At all

I wouldn't want to stay in house where people smoke inside.
It's a horrible smell when it sticks to the fabrics and furniture.
You smell of it, your clothes do too.
It's just nasty.
And... I smoke!

longTimeLurking

You don't really get the point that the OP is making, do you?

I have never taken my kids to stay at my parents' house (about an hour away) because of the smoking. My Dad is like a lab monkey and has a fag going at all times (he must smoke 60 a day). Even my Mum finds it discussing and she is a smoker.

They have visited, once, for an hour.

Sorry, I mean disgusting.

YANBU, personally I wouldn't like to even visit a house, especially with children, where people smoked that much inside.
Most people I know only smoke in their own gardens even if no-one is visiting! My parents used to smoke when we were growing up and they even went into in the garden to do it!

It doesn't matter if she decides not to smoke while the OP is visiting. The smell will be in all the rooms and clinging onto fabric and furniture. Smokers houses stink, and as they live with it they never realise dont want to admit it. I recently stood at the door of a smokers house ans was hit by a wall of stench and had to wash DS's clothes when we got home

Thank god my chain smoking mum had kicked the habit by the time my children came along or it would have been a huge issue as she refused to take others into consideration at all. Smokers houses stink if they smoke inside, smokers often stink even when they aren't smoking - the smell can be overwhelming.

Just be honest, stay at a B&B and meet her outside her house or sit in the garden if the weather is nice.

I'm a smoker (outdoors only) but if I smoked inside it wouldn't offend me in the least if someone chose not to sleep at my house.

"MIL, I completely respect your right to smoke in your own house. I'm sure you respect our right to minimise exposure, so we'll stay nearby rather than in your spare room and everyone can have a lovely time together."

No need to bang on about health dangers etc etc. No smoker is unaware of these.

YANBU. My parents smoke and I hated it when I lived at home, it does get absolutely everywhere. It's all about the smell for me, the health thing is obv important but being able to inhale non-stinky air is the only thing I care about at the time! My DPs stopped smoking in their own home entirely (they go outside in all weathers) when my DBs had kids, even though the GC are only there once a week or less.

Some of DH's friends smoke and we've never stayed over at their homes, and always said it's because of the smoke. AFAIK no one has taken offence! We usually say it's partly because DH has given up but mostly because I loathe the smell. If that has offended anyone, I'd be sorry, but not sorry enough to sit in a smoky house and come home smelling of it, let alone for children to do so when they don't have a choice.

Just to add, smokers really don't think they/their houses smell. Even though my parents smoked when we were younger (always outside), it wasn't until my niece (then about 4/5 years old) said to her 'Nana, why do you smell funny all the time?' (My dad had given up before this) I don't think my mum realised until then that she always smelt of fags!

We do encourage the kids to play out a lot in the garden whilst there and take his mum out shopping to get out the house. They don't drive far, so wouldn't visit us. So it's either trying to minimise exposure or not see them at all. It's only 2-3 times a year and ideally I wouldn't expose the boys, but I have to be pragmatic too. Even though I feel very guilty about taking our boys there. We tend to sit in the conservatory (she doesn't smoke in there as too hot, so we can also leave the door open too).

I agree that MIL doesn't realise how much it smells and would be very unaware of third hand smoke effects. I think she just thinks as long as doesn't smoke in front of them, all well and good. I don't even think she would necessarily listen if I said about third hand smoke. You're right, I shouldn't say much about health reasons, but just say the smoke exposure makes me uncomfortable, about the kids sleeping overnight, so a B and B seems a sensible way around it. And stress how much we enjoy visiting them). She does take things personally though, so I will need to word it carefully.

My SIL is afraid to say anything to her, she hates it too (she visits much more frequently than us, but her kids are teens now, so not quite as bad as our crawling ds3).

I'm grateful that we don't live nearer and this was a more frequent problem!

Thanks all for posting

We haven't visited mil for 5 years because of the smoking. She has a small flat with only a door to her bedroom. Although she smokes in kitchen it gets everywhere. She has started smoking more too.

We still see her regularly at our place or other places but I won't stay there and whenever we have visited her town we stay in a hotel.

She's never asked why but I would have no hesitation telling her, just as I had no hesitation telling her to smoke outside and not in front of the kids (although she stopped that when ds (3 at the time) asked her why she wanted to hurt herself). I don't think she has any doubts as to how anti smoking I am (although didn't need ds to enphasise it!)

I do worry that when we do talk to her, she will offer to smoke outside whilst we are there. But I still don't want to stay as risks/smell will still be there.

Longtime, it's the health risks that concern me the most and the health risks to my kids first and foremost. Particularly my 11 month old who is still crawling.

Sending DH with the kids doesn't solve it at all.

Hi Sheep, same issue for us -MIL smokes and DH HATES it. He has told her not to come and stay if she smokes at all. He feels if she loved the DC she would give up. Very hard line but he remembers growing up with smoke and hating it. He also asked her as a teen to smoke outside and was told 'when you have your own house you can make the rules'. He does and his rule no smoking! We would not stay with her for same reason.
If I was you no way would I stay there. He needs to tell her why.

At least your DH is on side. My DH isn't off side as such, he just wants a quiet life really. He hates the smell when we are there and is always opening windows, taking boys outside etc. But he just doesn't want to face the conflict about talking about it. Though I know he will talk to her when I ask him to (I will offer to do the talking).

I think you should call her and have that conversation rather than CIA your DH if he's not going to find that easy.