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Original poster

To have searched through DH's stuff?

22 replies

calmcocoa · 21/07/2014 21:13

I have long suspected DH has been secretly smoking. He supposedly quit years ago but I've always been suspicious over the years that he hadn't quite managed it. The odd hint of smoke smell here and there, that he dismissed as all in my mind. But lately it's been getting more obvious and I've been telling myself I'm being unfair and shouldn't accuse without more evidence. But he's eating masses of mints and going out 'shopping' several times a day for really insignificant reasons (he's looking for work so is at home)

Tonight he went out to see a mate and I went hunting through his stuff...and found some e-cigs and some swan filters. So it hasn't all been in my mind. We are literally scraping the barrel with money at the moment and borrowing & selling stuff just to eat & afford our rent...and he's been wasting cash on cancer sticks. I am beyond raged about it Angry

The e-cigs tell me he's been battling this for some time...but they don't make you smell of cigs do they? So he's still actually smoking as well right? I'm torn between offering help and just having a massive rant at him because he's basically been lying to me for ages....what if this isn't the only thing ?Sad

OP posts:
fluffyraggies · 21/07/2014 21:18

You need to speak to him calmly about it.

Wait until you really are calm. You'll say things you may regret if you jump in with a temper on. I've done it myself.

He's hiding it because he knows you'll be angry or disappointed.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 21/07/2014 21:20

The smoking - a tough one, it has to come from him, if he's struggling it's understandable, it's a horrible addiction - it has to be his decision. Etc.

But.

Lying - no. Dealbreaker, destroyer of trust, destroyer of marriages. You do not have to accept being lied to. Ever. There is no excuse - he should have had the balls to tell you.

And - spending family money secretly - on anything! - when you don't have it? I would be incandescent and would ask him to leave while he thought through what damage he'd probably done and whether he seriously wanted to be in the family - because if so, it's going to need more committment than he seems able to demonstrate.

fluffyraggies · 21/07/2014 21:20

What do you mean about is this the only thing? What else do you think he's lying about? Is your anger coming out of fears about something else?

ShakeYourTailFeathers · 21/07/2014 21:21

When I fell off the wagon after trying to quit I didn't tell DH for ages and smoked on the quiet. Sad

Happened a few times - it was horrible, and I felt really bad (and we had no money issues)

There was nothing else though - so don't assume there is. Don't shout at him - it'll just make him go out for a fag. And you're not his mum Grin

Ecigs are meant to be much cheaper so encourage them to help quit for good.

WorraLiberty · 21/07/2014 21:24

Read your opening post back and ask yourself why he might feel he needs to hide the fact he's struggling with his addiction.

Money struggles/stress etc could be his trigger as nicotine relaxes you when you're addicted to it.

In the same way that some food addicts are desperately unhappy with their weight, but they still eat junk to comfort themselves.

Try to concentrate more on his addiction than the fact he felt he had to hide it from you.

It won't be easy but it's probably the only way forward.

Original poster
calmcocoa · 21/07/2014 21:32

Bruno - yes this is why I'm torn...I want to rant and shout and kick him out because of the lying the money. The fact that he's smoking money we could pay rent with or buy shoes for kids with argh!! But He is really down as his job hunting is not going well so I can understand how that might push him towards the cigs again. I used to smoke too until I got pregnant so I understand how hard it is to quit.

The thing that is really bothering me now is the fact that we co-sleep with our youngest (now 3 yrs) and have done since he was born. He's putting LO at risk and I'm not sure I can look past that and stay calm along with the money aspect.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 21/07/2014 21:35

You can buy 10g of Amber Leaf tobacco for £3.40

If he had spent that on donuts and then threw them up in secret, would you still want to kick him out because of the lying and the money?

Original poster
calmcocoa · 21/07/2014 21:36

Worra...we had £30 to feed 4 of us last week...so yes £3.40 would have gone a long way towards that!

OP posts:
Original poster
calmcocoa · 21/07/2014 21:40

fluffy - he is not great at the sharing stuff and has hidden/lied about a few things before so I am doubting a lot of things at the moment. I am not great at reading people in general tho so some of tonight could just be my general paranoia/insecurity.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 21/07/2014 21:42

I didn't ask if it would have gone a long way to towards that...I know it would.

I asked if he were eating £3.40 worth of donuts and secretly throwing them up, would you still want to kick him out?

Addiction can be a very hard thing to battle, so as much as I can understand why you're upset, you should probably try to understand why he hid it from you.

He's not exactly going to be proud of himself is he?

Original poster
calmcocoa · 21/07/2014 21:52

no I wouldn't worra. I can see the point you were making now.

ok so ranting is a bad idea....how would you tackle it? I'm pondering writing my thoughts down so I down and giving him them to read as I'm not sure I will be able to remain calm if I talk to him Sad

OP posts:
fluffyraggies · 21/07/2014 22:03

What are the sorts of things he has lied about before? Big significant stuff?

You have every right to be angry about the money side of it, but it does sound as if allot of this anger is coming from elsewhere. Like you say - insecurity, paranoia. If you've got good reason for these feelings it's no good trying to stamp on them. They need addressing.

I would indeed write your thoughts down and see what comes out. I think when you talk to him about this it needs to be with a mind to supporting him. But to do that you can't be simmering about the past. Perhaps you can tell him you know you are over reacting a little, and tell him why. Tell him you need his help too?

Joysmum · 21/07/2014 22:09

I was going to say the same as worra

Just tell him you know and that he can stop the pretence now and ask him how you can help support him to quit.

ThatBloodyWoman · 21/07/2014 22:12

He is obviously really really trying for you op.

I think he sounds like a good 'un myself.

WorraLiberty · 21/07/2014 22:21

I think writing your thoughts down might help, as long as it's mixed with 'I understand how hard it is for you' etc...otherwise he might see it as an (albeit unintentional) guilt trip and this could make him worse.

E cigs are a wonderful, wonderful invention imo...they were the only thing that made me give up.

Perhaps if you try to encourage him to use that more but only when he gets the urge to smoke, it might help. Along with talking to him of course.

Good luck to both of you. It can be beaten but please don't ever underestimate how hard it can be for some people, just because it's easier for others Thanks

ThatBloodyWoman · 21/07/2014 22:31

And, just as a little note, would you be happy for him to search through your stuff if he suspected you were doing something he didn't like/you couldn't afford?

I'm not saying its not understandable, but he might feel a bit upset, so be prepared.

Original poster
calmcocoa · 21/07/2014 22:37

The lying before has been v minor stuff. I know I'm overreacting about it.

I think I'm disappointed more than anything...and worrying about how he'll react. I'm not especially proud that I went hunting for evidence either. Kind of wishing I hadn't now...

OP posts:
ICanSeeTheSun · 21/07/2014 22:42

Don't tell him you know, the worst mistake ever.

When I have tried quitting in the past and DH has caught me out, I seem to smoke more as there was no secret to hide.

gamerchick · 21/07/2014 22:53

Man, ever felt you're part of an experiment Hmm I need to go to bed.

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 21/07/2014 23:04

The co-sleeping would be a deal breaker for me more than the rest. To put an addiction above a baby is just awful.

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 21/07/2014 23:06

Sorry - that didn't sound right. He's addicted so can't help himself perhaps. What I mean is he should have had the guts to tell you rather than put cosleeping baby at risk.

Original poster
calmcocoa · 21/07/2014 23:10

gamerchick what does that mean?

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