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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my four year old DD to go to play dates without me?

24 replies

Meandbobbymcgee · 21/07/2014 15:35

My youngest DD won't go on play dates without me. She is just finishing school nursery and starts reception in September. She is very happy separating from me to go nto school. She gets picked up by two different friends on two days after school whilst I finish work and is also happy going to their houses.

However she won't go to a kids party without me and won't go on play dates without me. Just plain refuses and is outright rude to any mums who suggest it.

All of her friends seem happy to go solo on play dates and this helps their mums when they have eg gp appointment , work to finish etc.

I have no family nearby and whilst I don't want to push her to do things she is genuinely anxious about ( she is only four after all) it would be useful if she would start to take up the offer at times when I've got essential stuff to do / am unwell etc.

Anyone got any advice or words of wisdom please?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 21/07/2014 15:44

My advice (and I mean this kindly) is not to confuse her social life with your child minding needs.

When she's feeling confident enough to attend parties without you/play dates, she'll let you know.

She is only little after all and hasn't even started school yet.

PedlarsSpanner · 21/07/2014 15:47

I know it's hard but she is communicatiing her discomfiture very clearly

Children so young will not have the social skills to demur gracefully

She will get there, in her own time

And, what Worra said

heraldgerald · 21/07/2014 15:49

Yabu. As above.

RiverTam · 21/07/2014 15:49

DD is 4.5 and starting school in September and I must say that it hadn't occurred to me that I should be dropping her off at parties or playdates at this age. I know some of her chums are fine with this but she isn't, and it doesn't seem to be the norm round here.

If you need someone to look after your DC because you specifically need to do something then that's fine, but a playdate arranged for her benefit isn't that and if she wants you there you should stay - it's meant to be fun for her after all, not an endurance test!

rookiemater · 21/07/2014 15:50

Ds still insists that I come along the first time he goes to someones house and he is 8 !

Unfortunately DCs all mature differently and I don't think it's unusual that she doesn't want to go on her own to others houses or to parties without you at that age.

Mcnorton · 21/07/2014 15:51

No advice I'm afraid, just to say that I don't think she's unusual in general, even if she is amongst her peer group. My son is in year 1 now, but in reception quite a few of his friends wanted their parent to come on playdates. We hosted a couple of first-ever solo playdates, their parents warned us and we made every attempt to be welcoming/non-frightening (as we would be anyway of course!), but with the knowledge that if they were upset it was fine, parent would be called. They're all happy on solo playdates now.

My point is that I think you might just need to be patient a bit longer. My son can't wait for me to leave, the idea that i might stay at a party is horrendous to him (and I'm not even THAT embarrassing!) Grin

Would an interim option be for you to take her and stay for a short while, then go? Maybe that would settle her enough and eventually she'll be ok to stay on her own?

fledermaus · 21/07/2014 15:53

I think she's a bit young for lone playdates if she isn't even at school yet.

KirstyJC · 21/07/2014 15:55

4 is pretty young - it took my eldest two boys until 5 at the earliest. Most others at that age had their parents with them, at least for the first time, when they went to parties or play at a friends.

I think you need to wait a bit - I know it would be convenient for you but if she's not ready, you won't change that by pushing her.

amyhamster · 21/07/2014 15:56

We went to all parties in reception

Only started dropping off in year one. & even then loads of parents still stayed

Playdates when another parent took your child home for tea only really started in year one

All the kids were too tired when they first started school

Original poster
Meandbobbymcgee · 21/07/2014 16:08

You confirm my instinct that she is just not ready ! Probably cos eldest DD did it at her age, and because it's totally the norm at school nursery - it really is swaps akimbo - and lots of mums have offered to have her as I've been really poorly lately - I've probably started to over-egg it with myself, as it were. You are right - she will get there when she is ready....

OP posts:
Original poster
Meandbobbymcgee · 21/07/2014 16:13

Whilst this is still active - lots of the time when I do go to parties / friends houses with her - even when she has really wanted to go , helped wrap a present , willingly put on her party shoes etc - she gets all angry when we get there, pulling tongues at people ( which obviously I tell her is not kind and she mustn't do) and saying she wants to go home which we sometimes do. If we stay she might play up for a whole hour before joining in. Afterwards she always tells her dad that she had a brilliant time!

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 21/07/2014 16:13

Ds still insists that I come along the first time he goes to someones house and he is 8 !

I can't stop laughing here

I read his age as 81 Grin Blush

Viviennemary · 21/07/2014 16:14

I don't think that this is unusual at such a young age. I wouldn't worry about it too much.

WorraLiberty · 21/07/2014 16:15

My eldest DS used to act like that OP

I think the tongue poking and face pulling was to mask his nerves at being in a new situation with so many children.

He used to settle down eventually, but I used to cringe Blush

NickiFury · 21/07/2014 16:15

Dd only started going alone aged 7. I think 4 is really young tbh, though obviously depends on the child.

Original poster
Meandbobbymcgee · 21/07/2014 16:20

Gosh I hope she's independent by the time she is 81! Yes, I think perhaps she doesn't feel comfortable in a crowd / new environment and acting up up a way of dealing with it. I do cringe though when I see almost all the other kids happily getting on with it and she is having a massive tantrum even when I'm two feet away eg at nursery leaving picnic last week.

OP posts:
Original poster
Meandbobbymcgee · 21/07/2014 16:22

Worra - did it take ages for your DS to come round? My other theory is that DD is a fecking genius who thinks it's all a bit stupid!

OP posts:
Original poster
Meandbobbymcgee · 21/07/2014 16:25

I think I'm going to start using the line ' she's not ready yet' when people invite her. And of course an emergency is different ... Eg if I need to leave her somewhere...

OP posts:
rookiemater · 21/07/2014 16:29

I think that's sensible OP, it never seems to work if you push them.

DS still doesn't fancy doing sleepovers although I have had a few of his friends at ours and it is annoying when you hear of the other DCs who are happily sleeping over at friends houses, but I'd hate him to feel uncomfortable so I don't press it.

Original poster
Meandbobbymcgee · 21/07/2014 16:30

How old is DS rookie. And thanks.

OP posts:
rookiemater · 21/07/2014 16:35

DS is the 8 going on 81 year old !

I think he just likes being at home as I work 4 days a week, so even when he plays with other children in the street he always prefers that they come to our house.

RiverTam · 21/07/2014 16:37

Although DD gets excited by party invites, she really struggles at bigger parties where half the time she barely seems to know either the birthday child or the other guests, and the parents seem to think that as long as there's a bouncy castle that's all that needs to happen - I can see a generation of these kids growing up not knowing how to play any traditional party games bar pass the parcel! When I see her struggling I just want to wrap her up and take her home for cuddles on the sofa!

WorraLiberty · 21/07/2014 16:37

Yes I don't think he acted 'normally' at parties until he was about 7yrs old

He's not at all shy, he just used to feel really odd/out of sorts until he settled in.

Original poster
Meandbobbymcgee · 21/07/2014 16:42

Sounds familiar worra. Mind you DD can act up and want to go home when we pop next door for a cuppa and we have been doing that since she was two days old!

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