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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to think that just because no-one's complained

46 replies

twofingerstoGideon · 21/07/2014 14:43

Just because no-one has complained about your behaviour doesn't mean there isn't a problem with it.

I'm always amazed at the threads on here where people think their loud music, barbeque smells, bonfires, cigarette smoking, etc., are fine because 'no-one's complained'. The threads that insist 'my garden/house, my rules...'

Have some consideration, folks, especially if you live in a terrace/flat/semi/anywhere else where your neighbours can see, smell and hear you.

AIBU? Obviously I don't think I am!

OP posts:

settingsitting · 21/07/2014 15:24

Boundaries about noise are difficult imo.

There was a thread on here recently about buying a house near a railway line.
It was 50/50
Some wouldnt touch it.
Others said they lived there, and it didnt bother them. It included those who couldnt hear that well, those who barely noticed it, those who were not bothered etc.
Everyone is different.

Anarchy99 · 21/07/2014 15:31

Exactly, setting

What drives one person up the wall wouldn't even register with another.

It is, in general, not worth engaging over that kind of thing (unless you are happy to risk an escalation in problems, which I have seen can happen)

If one of my neighbours DID make a noise complaint against me, I wouldn't just think "meh, okay" and try to sort it out, it is more likely that I would make a complaint about their noise, and it just goes on and on.

chockbic · 21/07/2014 15:46

I guess people are either apologetic or affronted in these circumstances.

PeppermintInfusion · 21/07/2014 15:57

It's difficult because it would be very annoying for someone to complain about every little thing but at the same time people don't voice their annoyance until they blow up which just inflames the situation...
Unless it stops you sleeping/aggravates your young children/you can't hear yourself think/potentially damages your property/stops you going outside for long periods I would just suck it up.
My opposite neighbours were playing bizarrely loud music (90s dance, the sort chavs listened to in their cars in car parks) at what appeared to be an otherwise sedate party with children present. I could hear it across the street but I just sat out my back then watched the TV slightly louder than normal... If they did that every night I'd be raging but I'm sure we aren't always as quiet as dormice when people are over/we're getting work done/etc either. If I'm going to make noise, I let my NDN (we're a semi) know.
People have to live, in the summer it is outdoors more often so just suck it up unless it's something serious.
On that note, don't go complaining to the council etc, just knock on the perpetrator's door and explain nicely!

LarrytheCucumber · 21/07/2014 16:03

What drives one person up the wall wouldn't even register with another.

Precisely. I have just been to stay with DD. Her neighbours sit on their front doorstep all day smoking and talking loudly (it was a weekend, they do work) and the other neighbours play loud music. Drove me mad. DD doesn't mind at all.

OneDreamOnly · 21/07/2014 16:16

In the exams of the bonfire given above, can you imagine what would happen if the poor guy was going round once to be told by one person 'oh no I've just the washing out'.
I'm so sorry, he replies, will do it tomorrow instead. But tomorrow another has family visiting f and finds it annoying and so it goes. And then who us bring unreasonable? The neighbourhood who wants to do donething normal or the whole community around that can't be arsed to make any small adjustements?

I have to say the comment of 'well it's within the law so it's ok' is IMHO a good starting point. Otherwise 1- you can see how we would all end up walking on egg shells all the time just I case what we would consider normal/enjoy would annoy the neighbourh or 2- how someone with stupid expectations could stop you from doing very normal things (eg invite friends over for a BBQ, children maying in the garden or even having your wo does open as said neighbour can then hear the music)

In the examples the OP has given, none of them wod cause me an issue. If I want a BBQ everyday I am pretty sure I should be 'allowed' to. If I want to eat outside for our evening meal everyday, I'm pretty sure that should go under the 'normal things people do' but I can feel the OP would get annoyed at the noise etc etc

Crinkle77 · 21/07/2014 16:22

I agree with Worra. She has said exactly what I think but put it much better. We all have different levels of what is acceptable. Some things you have to let go but then there are times when enough is enough and you have to say something.

Original poster

twofingerstoGideon · 21/07/2014 17:09

OneDream - it's not about preventing people doing things, though. It would be crazy if people only lit a bonfire after obtaining full agreement from all their neighbours, as in the example you gave. No-one's suggesting that. I'm certainly not. I'm just asking people to be considerate when doing things that impinge on other people's enjoyment of their homes/gardens.

I suppose it was inevitable that someone would come onto the thread and make out that the spirit of the OP was to suggest that nobody should be allowed to do anything at all...

OP posts:

OneDreamOnly · 21/07/2014 18:25

And I think you haven't understood the point I'm making. Nothing to do with the 'spirit' of the thread unless the spirit was to moan about how inconsiderate people are.

The fact us not everyone has issues with the same thing. Some people are ok with daily BBQ, some aren't. There are do many different scenarios that if you really want to be sure you aren't bring inconsiderate to your NDN then there isn't a lot you can do. Or maybe we should go and ask them first as there is such a big variation in what people think us considerate.
Or you stop doing anything in fear of being inconsiderate.

And as others have said, you also need to be realistic and know that there are things you do that they find annoying/inconsiderate too.

GodDamnBatman · 21/07/2014 18:39

I don't complain about my neighbors, and I expect them to extend the same courtesy when I get rowdy.

Maybe I'm used to living in the city in apartments and surrounded by people, but hearing ambient noises of people shouting, laughing, cars beeping, sirens etc... actually makes me feel more at ease. I am wide awake and on edge in the country side where all I can hear are crickets chirping.

ThatBloodyWoman · 21/07/2014 18:43

I think if you move into a house after your neighbours, you should take a time assessing how they live and try to work out what you think is reasonable accordingly.
If you are the senior resident, you get to set the pace (within reason).

OneDreamOnly · 21/07/2014 19:18

How do you do that though?
I moved in an area with loads of families around but as it happens all our NDN had no children at all.The closest one with dcs was 3 doors down. Cue for never hearing a noise in gardens (They also aren't the type of have bbq in the summer or have people around and be noisy for the night).
How am I suppose to know then what is acceptable? Should I decide that actually the rule where I am is no noise? Even thought 2 houses across there are plenty of children ion the gardens and plenty of noise? So no children in the garden as it's noisy, no bbq in our garden?
How do you define what is 'acceptable'? Plenty of threads on MN to show that this is something so difficult to define.
And also how difficult people could be if you let them be ie the thread on bbq and how some people find that really unpleasant and would be happy to restrict the use of bbq to once in a while only or how you shouldn't dry your pants on the washing line or be topless in your own garden to have a sun bath. Where do you stop?

As far I am concerned I first stop at what the law says.
Then I will stop at whatever request a NDN might do and I will take it into consideration if not crazy (eg no noise in the garden before 10.00am as on night shifts).
For the rest, I can't guess. No one can.

GodDamnBatman · 21/07/2014 19:33

If you are the senior resident, you get to set the pace (within reason).

No. When I move in, it is my home too. Being there longer doesn't suddenly give them more say. I paid for my home the same as them. I set my own pace and if there is a problem they can let me know about it or if they really feel strongly they can make a noise complaint.

But really... I don't do loud music or anything obnoxious, but I'm not going to tell my children to play quietly outside. That's their time to get out all their excess energy.

ThatBloodyWoman · 21/07/2014 19:33

How do you mean, how do you do that?

If your neighbours (and by that I mean surrounding houses not just immediate adjoining neighbours) are extremely quiet, then it would be quite a change to their normality if you party till you pop every Friday and Saturday night and have your dc's out screaming in the garden at 6am.

It doesn't mean to say you can't do your thing, it just indicates that excess will certainly be noticed.

I'm working on the assumption that many people try not to purposefully piss their neighbours off, if there's a workable alternative.

OneDreamOnly · 21/07/2014 19:43

Because actually if I had done that, I would have assumed no noise at all.
And then talking to our neighbours several years down the line, we actually learnt that they had no issue with it at all!
The reason for that is simple, it happens that our neighbours have been living there for a long long time. They had children who are now all grown up. So they didn't move there for the quiet place. It became quiet and none of them had an issue with children playing, us having a bbq or whatever else.

So yes, assuming that the place should stay exactly as it was when you moved in is .

Plus as God said, it's my house too. Why should some people be able to decide what is OK or not and other don't? I though I was living in a democraty.

ThatBloodyWoman · 21/07/2014 19:52

But part of the assessment, could be talking to your neighbours, could it not?

OneDreamOnly · 21/07/2014 20:28

Because you go round to see your neighbours like this and put them on the spot to say what they find acceptable or not? Even the ones that aren't your NDN as such?
We have one NDN that we talk to, all the others have their garden touching ours but they are in two different streets so we never see them.
If we were to engage in a conversation around that subject, we would need to go and see them specifically for that. I would actually have thought that was very rude to go in like this and is likely to make our neighbours very uncomfortable indeed. Can you imagine the conversation??
And tbh, I have never seen anything like happening. The people who have moved in (with dcs, finally!) didn't check on the neighbours either to see if it was ok for the dcs to use a trampoline, have a bbq or whatever. They did what they though was an appropriate behaviour in their own home despite the fact the area is still very quiet. And they are the only dcs that you can hear around.

ThatBloodyWoman · 21/07/2014 20:39

Well I do, and have always, communicated with my neighbours, so its not an issue!

A conversation thats all.

Not putting someone on the spot.

OneDreamOnly · 21/07/2014 21:39

I am pretty sure you don't go and casually see your neighbour from the next street though. I can promise you that none of our neighbours have ever done that, regardless of where I've lived.
The one that you see each morning yes of course. But as I said for me it's just one person. They are another 4 gardens adjoining our gardens....

ThatBloodyWoman · 21/07/2014 21:40

Do as you will then One.

OneDreamOnly · 21/07/2014 21:51

Yes I will adjust to all the other people around me and purposely not go and have a chat with people that I would otherwise never see. You're right adjusting to the way people do things is important

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