How do I fix an impossible situation?

[MrsDowneyJunior]

Very long story short exDH and I need to agree on ferrying DD between us. I'm very scared of him, have PTSD because of him & don't want to be anywhere near him. Police or protective orders are not an option. I have to agree to be alone with him for handovers and have him at my house for pick up & drop off or go to his and see him at school events etc. The thought of it alone petrifies me. It's not so much that I think he will say or do something there and then, frankly I'm more likely to given how I feel about him, it's just the thought of being anywhere near him sends me into panic, I can't eat, I can't sleep, I suffer hysterical panic attacks when I think of it, I start catastrophising and thinking terrible black thoughts and having nightmares, I start wanting to escape any way I can... its not good. But I have to agree. How do I do this? Solicitor suggested meeting "outside a police station or McDonald's or somewhere public" - that's not the point! It doesn't matter that it's public, it matters that I'm scared to be near him. He suggested asking for an undertaking but what the hell does a piece of paper do?? We've had them before and he still breaches them constantly and the police say it's a civil matter and the courts do fuck all. Help!

We've used people and places in the past for handovers. He uses it as a chance to stalk me again knowing where I am or get his claws into these other people so they all start feeling sorry for him and start on at me as if I'm the bad guy.

I was turned down for emdr even though it works well because they said it would make me worse before I got better and they don't want to make me worse. And even if it did "fix" it so I'm not in blind panic I will NEVER want to be near him, this will go on the rest of her life - her wedding day, her graduation, her children's births, her birthdays, no matter what "therapy" or "drugs" I'm put on it will not change the past or make me able to sit in the same room and play happy families with him. The only real solution, in the absence of the police or courts actually being of any real use, is if one of us never sees DD again and drops off the face of the earth and that's not going to happen.

I can't believe you were turned for EMDR as it is really great. I've had it and although the PTSD has not totally vanished I can deal with the things that scared the shit out of me and gave me all the symptoms you described. It hasn't taken it all away, can't change what happened and I still don't like certain things but it is manageable. Mine was not DV though.

You don't need to want be near him you just need to be able to hand your daughter over without all that stress. I would try for a second opinion with EMDR.

Look, I was in the same situation. I was suffering from PTSD as well and used to have full blown panic attacks when it came to handovers, but you just have to either bite the bullet (with medications if necessary), or be imaginative with handover technique.

Take your daughter to a supermarket or some other store. Place her outside with instructions that she shouldn't move or go with anyone other than her father, then pop yourself around the corner and watch her from afar to make sure she's safe. She's 8, not 3, so won't wander off. Your ex will collect her and you both go your separate ways. You don't have to see each other.

I used to hand ds over at the motorway services like this. I just hid in my car and watched him collect, then scooted off. I didn't speak to him from ds being about 5 years old. It can be done.

And I've to resign myself that I'll never see ds' graduation or wedding day either. You make your decision and live with it.

OP can you please explain your first post, ' I have to agree to be alone with him....' why do you have to do this ?. I am presuming he has a contact order, but can't believe it says "you must be be alone with him for handovers ". I ME the contact order simply states 'the mother will make the child available between o'clock on (day) and o'clock (day). '. Does your contact order really specify that you the RP has to do the running around.. my dh has been required to do pick up and drop off eos for past decade, if he is ill/can't make it then I go. If that not possible then he doesn't get to see them. Ex wife will NEVER deliver them to us. I assumed it was pretty much the same for all contact orders. Perhaps if you can explain what you are required to do by the court it would help us all understand better and maybe offer some practical ideas for making this less stressful for you.

I think I would be dropping her off and picking up up and your ex's house. At least you know where exactly he is and no chances of him jumping out in you. Agree that when you arrive you will give dd her bag and she will walk and knock on the door while you stay in the car and watch her go in. The same for picking her up. Ring him, tell him your outside in the car and get him to send her out - he's not to approach the car. If he needs to discuss anything regarding her, he is to email you.

You don't have to talk to him, he is nothing to do with your life, he doesn't need to have conversations with you. Get it in writing from your solicitor with a reply from his solicitor that he agrees. If he doesn't then he doesn't see his daughter