aibubto feel like i am battling the spawn of satan with a reward chart?!

[bedraggledmumoftwo]

I love my daughter, don't get me wrong, but the terrible twos are terrible and i am continually trying to protect my baby dd2 from being pushed/pulled/squeezed/strangled/hit/kicked or in some way molested. Dh is frankly rubbish because he thinks the sun shines out of dd1s bum and that i am too hard on her because i try to tell her off before we reach actual danger to teach her right from wrong. But she is 2, and very wilful, and we aren't having much luck. I completely understand that smacking teaches hitting is ok, and the old school fear of parents is unhealthy, but she laughs at the naughty step,or takes an extra wilful swipe before she marches there with joy, and i feel like i am left with only the promise of a sticker when she does something good to prevent her becoming an asbo!!

Aibu to feel absolutely frustrated/impotent?!

Is there anything she doesn't like? I must admit to confiscating the dummy sometimes! Hadn't even thought of reward charts, think two is a bit young? (My six year old still loves them).
Have you just had no.2? She may be acting up because of this of course, my dc2 is still very much "the baby" at 2.

And no, yanbu!

Too young - none of mine got the sticker chart thing until three.

I'd go with the lifting up and saying no and then making a fuss of DD2.

Other times and when she's being good make a massive fuss of DD1.

Baby is 7 mo, but i think dd1 has been acting up ever since she arrived, even though she gets all the attention , especially from dh! Still upsetting for her after being pfb though i guess!

No yanbu. I found that stage so hard. It gets easier. I just out her in her room for time outs. A lot.

She was craving my attention and found the adjustment to a sibling hard.

'Put'

Personally, I think on occasion putting a little fear into your child isn't that bad and can be necessary. You obviously don't agree with smacking, but you're saying she just laughs so I wonder are you making it clear you are really really cross.

I used to get the belt and grew up having (and still to this day a good relationship with my parents). I haven't continued their approach with such vigour but sometimes I am a mean mummy. Most of my children are into or nearing adulthood and we have good close relationships so I'm strong on the idea that sometimes making it clear you are the authority is essential, a sticker chart just won't cut it. Plus its important for teaching her things moving forward.

Most two year olds are too young to see the merit in adapting their behaviour to get stickers on a chart. The reward isn't concrete or immediate enough for them.

I a perfect world you would be within arm's reach of your DD2 at all times, concentrating in DD1 and able to redirect her at the slightest hint of a raised hand. In reality you have other things to do.

The best response is a firm "No" or "Hands down", turn her away and engage her in something else. If she persists get her to sit in a different part of the room for a minute away from her sister and explain very simply what you would like her to do, e.g. gentle hands. Then redirect her attention.

Praise her when she is gentle and careful around her sister so she knows how you would like her to behave.

Two is a difficult age because they are so physically independent but still need to be watched like hawks.

Sibling rivalry. She's used to being the baby and by poking (etc) the baby, she gets attention. Even "naughty step" is attention.

You could get her a baby doll so she can nappy change/feed at the same time or involve her as she's a "big girl to help out" by helping you in little ways.

I would put money on the fact that she's not the centre of your universe any more as you have another child. That's a child's perception, not mine.

Have you made special time for Mummy and DD1 and Daddy and DD1 and also Mummy & Daddy & DD1 (with DD2 with a babysitter) so she knows she's still very much loved and cherished? Albeit with the "terrible twos".

Absolutely shocked at"I used to get the belt"

OP have you tried time out?

When immediate punishment does she really really dislike? Do you have the TV on? IF so, turn it off. What could you remove that would really get her attention?

Time out step is good when it works, but if she's chortling as she goes off to sit down for a couple of minutes between incidents then she's making the choice that doing the 'naughty' thing is worth it with the current consequence in place. So, you need to make the consequence one that isn't worth enduring for her - a quick smack seems alluring when you're at the end of your tether but you don't seem to want to go down that route. Avoiding the smack but along the same principle, you need something that effectively puts her in her place to teach her who's boss and stop her in her tracks immediately. After which, the threat of this as a consequence can be used as a preventative.

It is not unreasonable to want to be the boss, you need to be the boss, you ARE the boss...

If only she knew it. But no idea how to convey the message!

yes, we praise her, and have one to one time, and she loves getting stickers. But stop it or you wont get a sticker certainly doesn't carry the same weight as the aforementioned belt, which, even if never used, struck the fear of god into previous generations. All of whom i can hear noisily tutting at the lack of discipline over my little monster!

Piper i haven't said she should get the belt! Don't low why it's shocking at all.

Anyway yes, just to make that clear I am not saying belt her, more that I think you should make it very clear you are not happy. I probably would have given a smack but OP doesn't want to do that so I imagine, next thing would be s severe, loud telling off and (depending on time of day) being sent to bed. As i said I am from a different generation and so yes I'm a bit more into the mean mummy act sometimes than is clearly fashionable.

I know you didn't say that she should get the belt, I was shocked at you saying that it was used on you. I work for Children's Social Care, and frequently work with kids who have had 'implements' used on them, I'm sorry you had to go through that.

Mamapain can I ask how old you are?

I don't think she's heading for an asbo she's a 2 year old baby, and probably jealous of the attention of her sibling. Just a part of the terrible 2's.
I promise you will come through it.

A short sharp "NO!!" in a loud voice every single time?

Agree with others, she's probably not ready for a reward chart yet - it's too intangible for her to grasp the possibility of something nice happening in the future if she's good.

She's not too young to get the idea of something unpleasant happening immediately "I'm taking Teddy away RIGHT NOW!!!" if she does something wrong. She will soon cotton on to that and will learn to behave when you tell her "Don't hit DD2 or I will take Teddy away again" (or whatever it is that she'll miss the most).

I don't need you to feel sorry for me, it's not something I'm in anyway traumatised by. It was a very standard, although rare, punishment for my generation in my social circle, it was the belt, the slipper and the wooden spoon. Yes I am part of the 'it did me no harm' brigade, although I don't preach it as an approach for parents to take now.

I'm over 40, but I started having my children young so I parented with mainly people much older than me and had a lot of input from my own parents and grandparents. I'm not massively strict but I have a slightly old school approach about the fact that I am ultimately in charge.

She is too young for things like time out to be especially effective. Her brain and life experience simply don't equip her to understand what you are trying to achieve and to apply that lesson to future events.
You need to pre-empt her behaviour, it sounds like you are very alert to what she is doing and I think having some distractions techniques up your sleeve would probably work best at the moment.

Have another go at using time out and sticker charts when she is old enough to understand, probably around 3yo.

Mrscakes has it spot on, time out and harsh telling off aren't appropriate at two.

If you could get your hands on.a book called 'The Incredible Years' it has loads of brilliant ideas for managing behaviour in a positive way.

The bad behaviour is just seeking attention, try giving the attention before the behaviour demands it ie use the five minutes it takes you to deal with hitting before the hitting happens.

Impossible not to sound patronising and daft without writing an essay, but good luck. She's only a baby herself at two, it's just that you have a littler one makes her seem more grown up. Hope things get easier.

The best punishment for my 2yo is conspicuously taking a toy he loves (a train in his case) and putting it up high where he can still see it. I've only ever had to do it twice and threaten it a handful of times but he is distraught when it happens and both times it has completely stopped the behaviour. It's immediate, it's there and he cares about it.