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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect ordinary sociability from my husband

20 replies

coatless · 19/07/2014 19:22

Don't get me wrong. He's a nice guy, but he is on the autism spectrum and sometimes... sometimes I'm at a loss.

A couple of times recently he has just gone out in the car without a word about where or how long or what doing. He thinks it's unreasonable of me to ask him to just say when he's off out, like "bye, I'm off out for a bit". This morning it was to get some pothole filler for our drive, so not something I'd be likely to object to. He seems to think I want to "keep tabs on him".

It isn't that, I just think it's polite to say hi and bye to family members you live with. Just wanting to come and go as if you were a lodger seems cold and unfriendly to me.

It's an old thing this though it hasn't reared it's head for a while. At one time he was working away and lived away during the week. He would drive to his work town setting off late on a Sunday evening. The drive took about six or seven hours. I asked him to text me to say he'd arrived so that if I woke in the night I'd see a flashing light on my phone and know that he was OK. He made a big fuss about me "keeping tabs" on him. Didn't seem to have any idea of what you might call just oiling the wheels of social interaction with one's loved ones.

Is asking for a text (one word!) after a journey asking too much? Is expecting one's husband to just talk to me about every day stuff expecting to much?

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Original poster
coatless · 19/07/2014 19:24

sorry for the wrong apostrophe

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Timetoask · 19/07/2014 19:28

You are not being unreasonable at all.

Has he always been like this? Or is this behaviour new?

If he has always been like this it sounds to me like he hates being controlled and is interpreting your request as controlling (which of course it is not). I hope someone comes along with the way forward for you.

WorraLiberty · 19/07/2014 19:32

What does 'on the autism spectrum' mean? Does it mean he's been diagnosed with mild autism?

AgentZigzag · 19/07/2014 19:34

Is the problem that he doesn't like you keeping tabs on him or is it his autism? Or are you saying you think it's a combination of the two?

Is that possible? It's not being anti-social or not understanding why you're interested in where he is if he's making a fuss about tabs being kept on him.

I would be a bit unnerved if I thought DH was in the house but found he'd randomly gone out without saying anything. Very odd. I usually have where DH/DDs are plotted on a mental map when I'm not with them, it's got nothing to do with me wanting to control them, I'm just making a mental check as to whether everything's OK (are they late, should I be doing something for them etc).

Why now though? Are you thinking he's up to something he shouldn't be? I'd be wondering the same fwiw.

pillowaddict · 19/07/2014 19:40

If he is on the spectrum then explaining that you will worry unless he tells you/asking for basic social etiquette of telling the other where you are going before leaving the house shouldn't be impossible for him to 'learn'. Have you tried calmly explaining that it's not about control, but concern?

Original poster
coatless · 19/07/2014 19:48

Yes, pillow, I have done that. He just blocks that. He doesn't (won't) accept that all I expect or want is normal social etiquette.

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WitchWay · 19/07/2014 19:50

My DH had to be trained in letting me know where he was when we were first married. He'd always kiss me goodbye but then I'd hear nothing for days if he were away - usually not till he returned home! He'd be late, I'd be frantic - argh! Too much trouble to stop & phone Hmm

Then he got a phone that was blue-toothed into the car which drove me nuts as he gave me reports such as "Just leaving work" (fine), "coming off at the junction" (okay...). ""Driving through the village" ( Hmm ), "Just turning into the drive" ( Confused )

He's got it right now Grin

Original poster
coatless · 19/07/2014 19:54

Funnily enough, when he got back from this morning's outing, I got a blow by blow account of what he'd bought and why and how much he'd put into each hole, blah, blah. He's happy to blether on about stuff like that (whether I want to know or not; he's good at propounding at length on things he's interested in), but my just wanting to know that he's going out is am imposition. Weird.

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AgentZigzag · 19/07/2014 19:58

You don't think he's up to anything else while he's out then coatless? Which would be great, I'm not trying to encourage you to think that for the AIBU drama.

Original poster
coatless · 19/07/2014 20:13

No, I don't think he's up to anything I would mind about. I think he's just clueless, and wishes to remain so in certain areas, about social niceties. He freely admits this at other times. He went along to social behaviour classes when he was at uni because he felt so ill at ease in social situations.

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Original poster
coatless · 19/07/2014 20:15

Now, if he would just take off cycling or something... fat chance of that though. Thoughts of tuberous roots on sofas come to mind.

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EverythingCounts · 19/07/2014 20:16

How does he feel about knowing where you are or how long you will be gone for? Is he similarly unbothered or does he want to know?

Original poster
coatless · 19/07/2014 20:20

I'm not being very clear, am I, zigzag? In reply to your earlier queries: he's always had a bit of a hangup about his bloody freedom. Found it hard to accept what being married really means, like having to actually talk to someone else about ordinary stuff. It rears its head every now and then. This isn't the first time.

I was going to make him a batch of his favourite date slices. Stuff that.

It helps to talk Smile

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Original poster
coatless · 19/07/2014 20:23

everything, he said I do it too – go out without telling him. If I do, and I can't recall any instances, it's never deliberate or about not wanting to tell him. More likely is that I have told him beforehand by a few hours or a day maybe and he just didn't take it in. But I normally say goodbye when I'm going out, except if it's just to the garden and, equally, I tell him the wheres whats and whos. If he forgets...shrug.

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AgentZigzag · 19/07/2014 20:32

You don't mention whether you have any children, but it's pretty important when you have small children that you know where the other adult is (if there is one). If I thought DD2 was with DH and he'd fucked off out without saying anything I'd be fucking fuming.

Him trying to turn it back on to you isn't helpful, he has to accept that you don't like it and trust you that it's not about control.

Is he doing it on purpose and deliberately trying to wind you up? If it's not and he's not a malicious twat playing games then he needs a bit of slack cutting him maybe (and his date slices?)

EverythingCounts · 19/07/2014 21:24

So what's the context like for all this? Is this one of several things that he does that he knows you don't like, and you just have to suck them up? Or many things? Or it is just this one? Cos I think that makes a difference, although it remains annoying even if it's just this.

You have mentioned 'talking about ordinary things'. Is he really resistant to doing this, e.g. having a conversation about how his day's gone?

Original poster
coatless · 19/07/2014 21:24

zigzag, I think he just gets this bee in his bonnet every now and then and when he's in a certain mood digs his heels in. Other times, if he's popping out to the shop for some tonic water for the gin, he'll say he's going and is there anything else to get while he's at it. Normal in other words!
Perhaps it's the inconsistency that bugs me the most and leaves me wondering what on earth set it off this time. I honestly don't think it's anything I've done or not done.

We have only one child still at home and she is thirteen and old enough to be okay on her own for a while. I'd have gone ballistic if he'd left her alone without my knowing when she was wee but he wouldn't do that.

What you said about him trusting me that it's not about control hit a spot, the spot that hurts when this happens. I know it's an issue he has with sociability rather than me making an issue out of nothing but, yes, I understand the giving him some slack bit and I shall. No choice anyhow Hmm – he has categorically said that he will not tell me when he's going out if he doesn't feel like it.

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Original poster
coatless · 19/07/2014 21:34

everything, we can talk about philosophical issues till the cows come home, but there has always been a certain 'stickiness', for want of a better word, about something I ask for simply because I like it, such as the social nicety of being told when he's going out. I'm not talking about actual physical presents – he's generous with those.

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AgentZigzag · 19/07/2014 21:38

Your last sentence doesn't sound too good, you can't help wondering what else he's not telling you in his bid for independence.

I've found the same thing with my 13 YO though, I'll think she's got something sorted, like putting the bathroom fan on when she's having a shower, then after doing it for a few weeks she starts 'forgetting'. I always thought that if you've got into the habit of remembering to do something it's stuck in your head for good, it doesn't just disappear one day and your back at square one Confused

It seems deliberate then, they are remembering but choosing not to do it, and that's fuck off annoying. If your DH doesn't like the thought of anyone being controlled by anyone else (which telling you he's off out isn't IMO) why is he controlling the information about where he is?

If he's trying to turn it around on to you just bat it right back at him! (I'd also go down the route of how suspicious it looks, but you might not want to stoop to such levels Grin)

Original poster
coatless · 19/07/2014 22:30

I'm so glad it's not just my thirteen year old who unlearns things like that!!

Thanks for chatting, folks. I feel much more cheerful about coping with silly bloody-mindedness now Smile

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